Am I really mtf? How do I tell my wife?

Do you think I am likely trans?

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  • #124169
    Liviarose21
    Participant

    Hello my name is Jeff and I’m 30. I recently came to a realization in my life that I might identify as a women but want to seek advise because I am attracted to women and married and don’t want to hurt my wife.
    My realization came recently when I decided to shave my entire body. It felt liberating and a little more like who I’m meant to be, I’ve been dressing like a women whenever my wife isn’t home panties, dresses, leggings and ,bras when I do this I feel at home but also repulsed at my current body wishing that I looked how I felt in my wife’s clothing. I have moments of being comfortable with myself but always when I am very busy. I never thought about this until recently but thinking back remember times when I felt this way. Always being the female character in Video games/role playing games as a kid. With that being told, how sure do I need to be or how long do i need to wait before transitioning? am i really trans? When, what, and how do I tell my wife? I want to stay with her, she is my love. What if she hates me or resent me. Thank you for your time responding.

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    • #124441

      I have been fighting with this very topic for almost 15 years now. Fortunately or unfortunately I have been married to a woman for 13 years. Through my life I have felt a persistent feeling of not matching up. As a social leader of my peers and athletically fit, ideal average person it seemed like an odd back of the mind feeling. In my teen years it became increasingly yet silently painful to be seen as a confident and strong male and increasingly rejected by female friends for it. Why would a male friend be simply a male friend and why would “he” want to be included as a girl. The model of male/female romantic interest was constantly forced upon me, and to a degree I didn’t see an alternative.

      Physically, I did not appreciate being male specifically ever. It didn’t become a more distinguishable thing until I became more acutely aware of the female form. This led to an increasing awareness that my given body was not in harmony with my mental position.

      Through college I continued the internal dichotomy, the disparate nature varying at times. Pretty much whenever the female expression came out it would be met with a form of punishment or ostracism. Should be stated that I came from a religious background and my parents were missionaries. At no point was my family unpleasant or unloving in anyway. To this day they are still uninformed, other than my sister being slightly aware.

      In trade school, the first non-religiously linked era of my life, things became a bit more expressed. No family, no linked friends, new town. It was a dark period in school for a 20 year old. As a non-vulgar quiet person I became the brunt of many bully incidents for the 2 year span. By accident it became apparent that these bullies were staunchly homophobic, yet my only friend was not. Neither of us were attracted to eachother, but we found the bullies were afraid of us when we presented as a gay couple. Simple solution to wear pink and femm-ish stuff. Liberating in a certain way in fact. By this point I had already been wearing almost a completely female specific wardrobe, though not apparently to most. Not bra’s and such, but high waist jeans, stretchy fit tops, etc. Comfortable. Still do. In private I would wear bra’s and breast forms. Eventually wigs.

      In the career era the outward expression would increase. As a cyclist and avid mountain bike racer the wardrobe is very form fitting and exposing in it’s own way. That led me to a certain level of shapeware and padding to produce a distinctly female form. Wig optional, but added passability since short hair was forced upon me from various angles.

      When I would go online, it was always in fully female form. I had been doing that since high school on various gaming platforms and chat programs. Present as a male in the same contexts and you are just boring and average. Say the same things as a girl and suddenly you are the hot chick that everyone wants on thier squad. Double standards of society. Even before realizing that, being a male on line did not feel right. It felt like an act of impersonating a male. Online was where I met my wife. Due to not realizing the extent of my condition, I signed up to that site as a male and did not disclose the rest of the backstory.

      For the year that we were dated/engaged I did feel male. Whether it was for distraction or infatuation or not I am not sure. Eventually the reality of my internalized position began to come back out. The thoughts became more intense. I began expressing again, when alone. The wardrobe differences were always a point of conversation. She accepted most of it, but we often argued over the lingere vs menswear topic. A few times when I was out and about en fem I would take selfies to test how well I passed. Sometimes quite well, but passing socially was not really the aim. Most of the time I would just go to a large state park and spend the day in nature, mountain biking and not interacting with anyone in particular.

      Then the selfies became discovered. The level of reaction on her part was on par with discovering an affair. She would say in casual conversation that gay/lesbian/trans people were wierd but entitled to their own lives. However when it was me it was unacceptable and that she was not going to stand for it. I would assure her that I was still the same person and still in love with her as the same person. It would always go to the same conclusion. “I AM NOT GAY” or, “are you attracted to guys now?”  One of her goals in life was to be a foster/adopt parent. Specifically said she did not want to have natural children. Sounds like a perfect situation, right? We have rarely been a physically intimate couple to say the least. We cuddle, spend time together, all that stuff but actual sex has never felt natural to me. For that I do regret.

      In the covid era, I have had the social pressure releived a little bit as far as letting my hair out. Now it is a little past shoulder length and I don’t have to wig. Probably couldn’t wig easily anyway. It was a little bit of a push to get the hair normalized but it is now. Hun still doesn’t like it, but lets it. I wear hip pads and shapewear frequently, which helps with weight loss too. As of the last few months I have been wearing bras most of the time. In the right outfits the appearance is minimal, but feels right. No direct remarks from anyone outside the household. However most of my social/work peers have directly said in response to news topics that trans issues are made up and not valid. For pressure sake I let it go with a simple “People can choose what they choose”.

      More recently I have been gravitating to the non-binary spectrum. To feel female inside and undercover in a male context feels increasingly wrong and self oppresive. However the inverse of it does not. With a simple(I know it’s not so simple) change of being physically female but small breasted and maintaining a male/nonbinary perception in the social side of life would be tolerable. Perhaps that is a compromise in ways, but it seems liveable. That would allow the ability to be body aligned without the massive upheaval of life. The idea of being a non-binary clicks in a way that is positive and affirming.

      However, all roads other than fully cis male do not work for hun in marriage. It is unfortunate, but not surprising. I bear her no ill-will for her stance. As of a couple months ago, I discovered her having an affair with a guy. As odd as it sounds, I was relieved. For a while I did not let on how much I knew of it. Then she issued an ultimatum of ‘this all has to stop or we are divorcing’. I said no. Go ahead. The more we stood our ground on our stances the more at peace I am with it. She gets what she wants and I get what I need. If the divorce sticks to it’s agreed upon terms it will be simple and allow me to save for the future plans. It hurts from my religious and family background to be ok with a divorce, but it is possibly the fourth or fifth time we have been on the fence already. At first it felt like a sense of abandonment, but the “other” guy(I say other because…well 😉 ) is an intensely romantic type and seems to be covering that part well. As twisted as it sounds, I am happy for them.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #124377

      My experience has been very similar. Those few steps taken towards feeling feminine, and good about yourself are transforming in there own right. Although ive dropped a couple of hints, i am nowhere near the point of telling my wife how i feel.

      I empathize with your current situation, and although i dont have the experience to offer advice, this community seems to be the right place for us to gain advice and support.

      Good luck in your journey

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #124378

        Andrea,

        I waited too long to tell my SO.  I can’t say it will be easy.  It was horrible to do it and it is horrible to see the pain that the disclosure has caused.  But I remind myself that I have not done this.  It is a feeling I have and, the longer I live, the more I know the real me is female.  It’s not my fault.  It’s not anyone’s fault.  It’s just how it is.

        Only you know when the right time is.  But I think, the sooner the better.

        Hugs and kisses,

        Grace

        3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #124373

      Hi,

      I have just told my wife. I am TG not TV.  It is not going well.  But I think it was the right thing to do.

      Love,

      Grace

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #124348
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Liviarose:

      Good that you are here!

      It would appear that you will have to come out at some point. It is more a matter of When and not If. A key thing about coming out is doing it on your own terms. If you were to get outed by someone or your wife discovers tell-tale signs of what you have been doing, it becomes a major upheaval and you will be placed on the defensive. At that point, it is VERY difficult, if not impossible, to get to tell your story, your way.

      I agree with writing down what you want to say. It helps to crystallize ones thoughts. However, I would caution against reading it to your wife. Honest communication is the goal, not a script. On the other hand, some may be very nervous about the process and be aided by using written material. In my case, my wife already knew as she had been part of my discovery process. But, I did have the conversation with my grown daughter and son, 7-8 close friends and my department manager at the time. I did not write anything down for any of these conversations and just began as straightforwardly as I could. I had a perfect lead-in as I was planning to be the Mistress of Ceremonies at a public event put on by my LGBT employee affinity group. As there would be people I knew from work in attendance, I assumed that word would travel and I wanted to be in front of that. Therefore, I had the conversations before the event. The idea was to head off any 2nd hand fabricated BS. Clearly, I would not say “Do what I did.”. I think it is best considered as another methodology or road to town.

      A number of members have found that working with a therapist is quite helpful. There are difficult issues to think about; especially since the potential consequences are very significant. Home, family and employment could all be impacted. A therapist will ask the right questions to get you to think about the issues that need to be considered and help keep you focused. However, it is important to find someone with experience in working with gender issues as everyone does not have this expertise.

      I encourage you to complete your Profile page as it really helps others to understand your situation. The page will always be readily available and can be updated at any time. I caution you against using transgenderED. It has fallen from use, even though it may still appear in dictionaries, because the implication is that something happened to make us transgender. However, the reality is that our gender identity and our sexuality are inherent. They are part of us from Day 1.

      If you would like to search for members who may be nearby, click on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #124215

      Liviarose It’s Jessica
      Just Remember to be True To Your Self…some times the Journey.. that We are ON…. is not a Easy Journey.
      For US… or the People We Love…
      But HAPPINESS is There…
      You are not ALONE…
      You have… US… the Members
      Of TGH…
      BE BRAVE…BE SAFE…
      JESSICA 💕

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #124205

      Hello Liviarose Welcome to TGH
      This is a Safe Place to be your True Self. And to find Friends… Who Understand and offer Helpful Advice.
      You have made the First Step ..
      By Joining TGH.. So if you have More Questions… All you need to do is ASK… We Are All Here For You 💕

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #124214

        Thank you Jessica! I can’t say how much better I feel vs yesterday having support!

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #124188
      Terri Anne
      AMBASSADOR

      Hello Liviarose,

      Welcome to our wonderful, accepting, loving, helpful community where you can be safe and be yourself.

      You can read about the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
      My hope is that you will become comfortable here and make many new friends.

      ======== TGH Membership PLANS ===================
      https://transgenderheaven.com/choose-your-plan/#link_acc-1-3-d
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      ============ Uploading Photos =====================
      https://transgenderheaven.com/photos/upload-photo/
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      =========== TGH How-to Navigation ============================
      https://transgenderheaven.com/forums/topic/member-howto-for-navigating-the-tgh-website/

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #124180
      Brielle
      SILVER

      Hi new GF! You are struggling between your desire/need to dress as and emulate a woman. Should you decide that occasionally dressing, using shapewear, breast forms, etc. is enough to allow you to feel more settled and calm, then you would be more a crossdresser, but it’s just semantics to me. I have been a closeted CD for over 60 years (more off than on, but I started as a preschooler).

      I finally revealed the femme side of me to my wife of 40 years in July 2021. We have managed to stay together, and through dressing more often and therapy I have come to the realization I am a transwoman and started HRT in late November. I never hated my male body, but I was so closed off from everyone for fear they would find out what I hid away, I wasn’t really living ir giving my wife and family enough of me.

      My wife is one of the exceptions – most SOs that learn about this after a long period together can’t handle the loss of trust and end up leaving the marriage. If you do decide to reveal your feelings to your wife, I suggest you have a marriage therapist you trust to help you through it. I also Highly recommend a separate therapist that specializes in gender dysphoria and LGBTQA+ clients.

      Telling your wife about this is so tricky. My wife wanted all the details up front and I think I overwhelmed her with how deep I am into it. She was originally empathetic, seeing how broken I was. But that changed to anger and resentment after she had time to dwell on it a bit. She was afraid I wanted to “become a woman” (this was before I found my need to transition), that I wanted her to be like my pictures and be more of a “hottie”, or that she wasn’t enough woman for me or I wouldn’t pursue crossdressing. None of that was true, but with the breach of trust, she couldn’t allow herself to believe me.

      As I got further into therapy, both my therapists saw that I would never be fully engaged or feel complete so long as I repressed my feminine side. Now my wife has accepted my need to do HRT, but she still is adamant that it’s over if I get a vagina. I’m not thinking that for now, but I was honest with her that after being on estrogen for a couple of years, I may have to rethink it.

      That’s the problem with gender dysphoria, you don’t know what all it will take until you get there. I know there are a lot of people here or on the Crossdresser Heaven site that will disagree, but I think crossdressign is part of the gender dysphoria world and CDs are trans people that just haven’t started HRT or had surgeries. It doesn’t mean most CDs will go further – it just means we all have a spot on the spectrum where we are comfortable. Some underdress, some dress fully, some go out and live as a woman, some transition. There isn’t any right or wrong response to our need to bring the womanly feelings out as long as we are honest with ourselves and others.

      We can’t control what someone will say or do, we can only control what we choose to tell them about ourselves. Your wife may surprise you and be willing to stay alongside the new you, she may not be able to handle it. But from what I learned, I took that option away from my wife by hiding all this from her.

      I wish I had a more positive, clearcut response, but this is something each person has to work out with their SO. I do know trying to repress it doesn’t work (believe me I nearly drove myself to a breakdown in trying to fight what I knew about myself versus what everyone else expected me to be).

      Hugs and kisses,

      Brielle 💋

      • #124312

        Good point… I agree with your statement that CDs are on the TG spectrum.  For me that was a hard acknowledgement, and I’ve asked myself why.  Names can sting.  Especially in a world that still fears something they don’t understand.  In my professional mode, I ask questions about gender identity “Male ? Female? Transgender ?” as it states on the form. It’s not mandatory to answer.  I tell them they don’t have to answer or can answer “other” if they wish.   More often than not I’m met with silence.  Many times the reaction is as if I had just insulted them. This always surprises me.  That it’s such an affront to their vision of masculinity.  It took me years to finally understand that the clothes I chose to wear did not define my gender.   That I presented daily as male did not negate that I’ve always felt I am a woman. Self acceptance was the mental block for me.   I think the ongoing public conversations we see now in the media and courts about gender is healthy and is helping.
        But we have a long way to go before women are on the bridge of the Star Trek Enterprise and referred to as “Mister” as a form of professional respect detached from gender stereotypes. When I see a visceral, almost violent response to the question of gender I’m often tempted to ask why the insult, don’t you love your mom? Your sister?

        3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #124181

        Thank you Brielle. I appreciate your response and advise! I like to dress as a women but it doesn’t feel like enough I’m still uncomfortable in my skin when dressed as a women. I want to see the wider hips, rounder face and breasts I will tell her but want to be sure that I am going to fully commit to being my true self first.

        2 users thanked author for this post.
        • #124182
          Brielle
          SILVER

          I can definitely relate! I found it helpful to write a “letter” and read it to my wife so I could have coherent thoughts. Good luck and feel freeto private chat with me anytime.

          3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #124174

      It may seem obvious and not very helpful but only you can really answer most of these questions. As you say you only recently came to the realization and therefore should give yourself time and not put too much pressure on yourself to come to definitive conclusions.

       

      4 users thanked author for this post.
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