Autumn’s Dream

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #91932
    Autumn
    Participant

    Hi. I’m Autumn. In the privacy of my apartment I’m Autumn. In real-life I’m Mike. I just joined, and I’m not sure where to begin. I’ve always had a difficult time making friends. By friends I mean people I can be myself around. I’m pretty guarded in real-life because I can’t be myself, but I don’t want to be guarded anymore. So, I haven’t transitioned, I am only Autumn in the privacy of my apartment. No one I encounter outside my home knows who I really want to be. This is a secret I’ve kept for my entire life, and I’m tired of keeping it. I just want to be myself. Thanks.

Viewing 9 reply threads
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    • #110147

      Been wanting to paint my toenails for awhile – no one sees my feet, either. Any advice?

      Excuse me but I couldn’t help overhearing this. Go and get yourself a pedicure Autumn. Best if you let them know what you want ahead of time but most will be cool on the day unless they’re hectic which is understandable. I’d always had pain in my left big toe, I walked out of the salon on air and it’s been the same every time since.

      I think that every body in places like here has a similar back story, I stuck it out at work pretending to be a man until offered a medical retirement. Natasha became full-time as soon as I got in the car to go home that last day. I moved into my flat as Natasha and haven’t looked back since. It was scary at first but also the best thing I’ve done.

      I wish you an equally happy path.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #110133
      Autumn
      FREE

      Hello, everyone. Haven’t checked posted anything in quite awhile. I haven’t been well, and I’ve been isolating from the world even more than I usually do. Still not sure if I should be here because so many of you have transitioned or are in the process of transitioning, and I’m nowhere near even attempting anything like that. I wish I had your strength, but I’ve finally realized that I will never have the courage to do it. So I’ve isolated myself even more over the past few months. The only place I come close to happiness is when I’m safe in my home and can be myself. Closing and locking the door of my apartment, isolating myself from society, makes me feel so good in so many ways I can’t describe. Just knowing that I will soon be dressed the way I want to brings me peace. But I’m broken, I know I’m broken mentally in ways that can’t be fixed. I’ve accepted that, and I think the reason I have is because I finally accepted that there’s nothing to care about anymore. I don’t matter, and I know that now. And that was the exclamation point. Realizing I don’t matter, that I’m not worth saving because I don’t matter. I just don’t care anymore because I’m not worth caring about. I don’t care about myself. Depression and suicidal thoughts are always going to be with me, I’ve accepted that. Just like I’ve accepted how I don’t matter because I’m not worth caring about.

       

      I’m here because I’m hoping that others can learn something from what I’m posting. If you have the strength to be yourself, to be who you really are inside, be proud of yourself. It means more than you can imagine. If you have even one person in your life who supports your strength and loves you for who you really are, cherish that person. Please don’t take things like this for granted. They mean more than you’ll ever know. Unless you end up where I am right now, and I don’t want any of you to end up where I am right now. The thoughts and feelings I live with are things I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

       

      I hope you’re all doing well, and never stop being yourself.

    • #92365
      Anonymous

      Hello Autumn. I had mentioned before I would  get back to you after I got past the crunch of moving, which I have done. I am still getting organized but I have more time now. If you would still like some individualized attention 😁 please let me know and we could chat or talk on the phone. Maybe I can help you get pointed in the right direction

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #92385
        Autumn
        FREE

        Hi, Jamie. Thank you. You’re really sweet. Hope all is going well for you as you settle into your new home. Right now, the one thing I would like to discuss most, did you ever feel like the urge to be the person who was the woman you wanted to be growing so strong that you no longer cared if your secret became public? That’s where I am right now. To start off the new year, I started wearing items of clothing that I normally only wore at home, and it felt really good. I was comfortable, more relaxed than I have been at work in a long time. But there was no chance anyone would ever know I was wearing clothing I wasn’t supposed to be wearing underneath my outward appearance. Then last night, I put on a necklace that I also only wear at home. A small pendant of the female symbol on a pretty silver chain. I put it on underneath my sweatshirt so no one would see it, but I knew it was there. I could feel it, and it felt nice. About half way through my shift, I noticed it came out and was dangling over my outermost layer of clothing. I quickly hid it again, wondered if anyone had noticed, but I realized I was no longer that worried about being exposed for who I really am.

         

        Have you ever experienced anything similar to this?

         

        Thank you. Big Hug

         

        Autumn

        3 users thanked author for this post.
        • #92545
          Anonymous

          Hello Autumn,

          I am new to this forum as well.  Welcome.

          What you described is rather similar to mine although I am still very much in hiding.  What I have experienced is no doubt gender dysphoria, however.  It seems like I am pushing my boundaries just slightly more each time.  I am afraid where this will lead me since I am in no position to transition.

           

          Susannah

           

          1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #92554
            Autumn
            FREE

            Hi, Susannah. Nice to meet you. Sounds like we have much in common. Very much in hiding, pushing our boundaries, scared of where it will lead. I’m also in no position to transition, either. And I’m still coming to grips with weather I have Gender Dysphoria. I have much to learn about myself. All I knew before I joined this site was that I wish I had been born female and that I loved being Autumn in private. But now, this site, the friends I’ve made since joining, have opened my eyes to something inside myself I didn’t know was there. Maybe we could share our journeys, learn from each other?

             

            Big Hug

             

            Autumn

          • #92555
            Anonymous

            Hello Autumn, I am still trying to find out more myself.  About a year ago, I decided to write down every behavior in my life that was considered strange relating to gender issues.  One of these days, I will share that list with people here.  Making that list opened my eyes.  I still consider myself questioning but it may just be a part of myself still denying.

            2 users thanked author for this post.
        • #92390
          Anonymous

          Out of all the many trans people that I know only one trans girl claims she has never had gender dysphoria. Everyone else will tell you that the dysphoria will only get worse with time.  You will finally get to the point that you feel like if you don’t live as your true self you will explode.

          I work in the construction industry and go to a lot of small towns in east and north Texas. We wear jeans and jerseys along with safety equipment. Females that do the same work also wear the same type of clothing. All of my clothing is either female or unisex. I also have less than two years before I retire and I am trying to make sure they don’t have a reason to lay me off. I have waivered back and forth about whether I change my gender marker and officially announce to my company that I am trans. I have decided to wait. If asked about being trans by someone that needs to know I will tell them my whole life story.

          When I started going out dressed in Dallas it was to a LGBT church for Sunday morning and Wednesday evening services. I would dress after I left my neighborhood. This was a year ago. After several months of that and after the service I went all over Dallas in female clothing, but only on Sundays. I never had any issues or anyone asking questions.

          Three months ago I had my ankle surgery. Right before that my wife asked for the divorce.  So I figured what could be worse than her asking for a divorce so I decided that I would go full time female in the house and in public. This medical leave will last two more months. I still dress unisex when I go somewhere where people only know me as male. And I will wear a sports under a thick shirt when I go back to work. I am a 44D and it is getting hard to hide the girls.

          4 users thanked author for this post.
          • #92440
            Autumn
            FREE

            Hi, Jamie. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I never thought about gender dysphoria. Never wondered if I was experiencing it because I had trained myself to just consider what I was experiencing was a fantasy that would never become reality. Unless I found a magic lamp with a genie that was ready to grant me one wish. But thinking about that now, if I wished that I’d been born female, if I was born into the same abusive family I had been born into as male, would I be better off or worse? So my wish would be, I wish I had been born female into a loving family. Would that count as one wish or would that have to be two? Does that make sense? Anyway, don’t mean to ramble, anyway, lol, never thought about gender dysphoria before, but lately I have been wondering more and more about it. Lately, my mind set has been, what would Autumn do? How would she respond, what would she say to this or that? And more and more, I find myself looking more and more forward to being at home so I can be her full time. Looking forward to my next online shopping trip. I’m constantly finding new items to add to my wish list. Things like that. I don’t feel overwhelmed by these feelings, but like I said before, I’m now wearing clothing and jewelry that Autumn would wear underneath the disguise everyone else sees. Thanks again for sharing your story with me, Jamie.

             

            Big Hug

             

            Autumn

          • #92492
            Anonymous

            Hi Autumn. If you start to experience strong emotional fluctuations or distress over your being trapped in a male body then that would probably be considered gender dysphoria. I was out to myself for two years before I came out to my family and then two years before I started HRT. The time before starting HRT was the worst for me. I don’t remember if you have plans for HRT. Within three weeks after filling myself with Estrogen the emotional turmoil started settling out.  I have had several episodes of strong emotional fluctuations since but they have only been every 3-4 months or so.

            3 users thanked author for this post.
          • #92515
            Autumn
            FREE

            Hi, Jamie. Hope you’re having a nice weekend. I have no plans for HRT, but I have had emotional episodes – mostly sadness – about not being able to be myself. Occasional moments of distress. But if I could just be the person that Autumn is, it would help me a lot. Does that make sense? Or is it not possible to be the person she is without also being the woman she is? Would that be considered Gender Dysphoria?

            I really appreciate your insight, Jamie. Thank you. Big Hug.

             

            Autumn

          • #92546
            Anonymous

            Well Autumn, from the information that you have written it is hard to say if your sense of not being who you should be means that you should be a female. You say if you could just be Autumn then you think that could be you; but who do you see that Autumn is? If you truly believe that you are Autumn and that you are a female then eliminating Testosterone from your body and filling it with Estrogen so you can be your true self would be desirable.  If you simply think life would be easier as someone else then only you can decide that. But you may also be at the beginning stages of a self awareness that you have never been your true self.  If after listening to other posts and doing a self examination you still have doubts then you should probably consult a gender therapist. The therapist could help you make that self examination. I was dressing as a girl at every chance I could from age 4 even though I had no words to describe what I was feeling. But not everyone knows from an early age that they are not living in their true body. Good luck and do a lot of reading and self assessment.

            2 users thanked author for this post.
          • #92552
            Autumn
            FREE

            Hi, Jamie. Hope you’re having a nice weekend. My true self…sitting here in front of my laptop…I read your reply but wasn’t able to respond right away because I had to think about what you wrote. In my heart, I am Autumn, and I want to be her on the outside, too. All the time. Not because I think it would be easier to be someone else, but because I love who she is. I admire her, look to her for inspiration. I want to be myself more than anything, and I’m starting to realize that more every day. Maybe that’s why I joined this site. A chance to share who I really was with others who could relate, who wouldn’t make fun of me and pick on me for it. Maybe I am at the beginning of a self-awareness. Never looked at it like that before.

             

            Thanks, Jamie. Big Hug.

             

            Autumn

          • #92542
            Cassie Grey
            BRONZE

            Hi Autumn, for a couple decades I’ve been shaving my legs and people have noticed and one woman ask if I did but I just said I’m never really had hairy legs. Haha, I don’t think she bought it. I also wear clear coat on my nails and my neighbor lady ask about there length and shine and I explained the clear coat keeps me from biting my nails. I don’t think she bought it haha. I also have been wearing earrings more out in public recently but know one has committed yet .All these I do just for me. Some little things for you to try just to feel good. Well tonight I think I’ll paint my toe nails bright red, know one see’s my feet hehe. Good luck 💋

            1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #92553
            Autumn
            FREE

            Hi, Cassie. Thank you. I’ll keep on doing things just for me, to make myself feel good. I also shave my legs, and I never wear shorts outside of my apartment. Been wanting to paint my toenails for awhile – no one sees my feet, either. Any advice?

             

            Thank you. Big Hug

             

            Autumn

          • #92556
            Cassie Grey
            BRONZE

            File to shape and sand top of nail to start with smooth surface and have fun 💋

            1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #92362

      Hi. I’m Autumn. In the privacy of my apartment I’m Autumn. In real-life I’m Mike. I just joined, and I’m not sure where to begin. I’ve always had a difficult time making friends. By friends I mean people I can be myself around. I’m pretty guarded in real-life because I can’t be myself, but I don’t want to be guarded anymore. So, I haven’t transitioned, I am only Autumn in the privacy of my apartment. No one I encounter outside my home knows who I really want to be. This is a secret I’ve kept for my entire life, and I’m tired of keeping it. I just want to be myself. Thanks.

      Welcome darling! So many of us feel the very same way. Hugs, Jessie

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #92386
        Autumn
        FREE

        Thank you, Jessie. You’re sweet. So nice to know I’m not alone.

         

        Big Hug

         

        Autumn

    • #92098
      Autumn
      FREE

      Just edited my profile. First name now listed as Autumn instead of Mike. She is the best part of me, and the girl I’ve always wanted to be. Never considered what her last name would be. Just always focused on Autumn. Like the season. Only one name required. But I put Michaels as the last name. As a way of acknowledging the guy I used to be. And the guy I have to be when I walk out the door.

       

      Big Hug, everyone.

       

      Autumn

      • #92166
        Anonymous

        Most of us keep our same last name.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #92157
        Autumn
        FREE

        Hello everyone. Hope you’re all doing well. Just want to thank you for your kind words and support, and for reassuring me that it’s okay to ask questions. It means a lot to me.

         

        Big Hug

         

        Autumn

      • #92100
        DeeAnn Hopings
        AMBASSADOR

        It always feels so sad to me when trans people separate themselves from their prior lives. It’s like saying that time did not exist. I realize that there were very bad times for some, but for however it happened, the person that you were survived. That is a very powerful thing and I’m glad that you carry the previous part into the future. Although we may look different externally and sound differently, we are the same person inside. We are not any smarter or less intelligent that we were before. We are not any more honest or less honest that we were before. In short, we are just us…

        2 users thanked author for this post.
        • #92153
          Autumn
          FREE

          Very well said, DeeAnn. An important life lesson for everyone.

    • #92054
      Anonymous

      Hello Autumn, you have definitely come to the right place. Your story is very common and so much like mine and many others on this site. I read your profile and it sounded like much of my life.

      I am a 64 year old MTF and have been on HRT for 18 months. I came out to my family when I was 60; so you are not too old to transition. One of my friends started her transition when she was 72.

      If you have not already you should consult with a gender therapist. This person can help you to get started on your transition. Depending on the area you are in most endocrinologist will also require you to get a letter indicating that you are indeed trans and you would benefit from HRT.  Many of us are also open to chatting with you via private message to answer your questions in more detail. Pick someone that responded to your post and send them a friend request.

      Most of us experience severe gender dysphoria and depression, with thoughts of suicide before we start HRT. Usually within a short period of time after we start hormones (for me about 3 weeks) we can feel our emotional state smooth out. Before I started HRT I felt like I was bipolar; my emotions had big fluctuations every day.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #92095
        Autumn
        FREE

        Thank you, Jamie. Nice to meet you. I’ve been battling depression for years. Thoughts of suicide come and go. I have good days and bad days. I hang in there and do the best I can. For me, the biggest issue is wanting to be the person that Autumn is full time. There are times when I want to lash out like a poisonous snake at the hatred I see in society, and the hatred directed at me. But lately I’ve been focusing more on how Autumn would handle it. She wouldn’t want revenge, she would find a gentle way to handle the situation. As Mike, the instinct is to just hate them back, but hate only leads to more hate. I’ve never wanted to be like that, I’ve always wanted a peaceful life, to be surrounded by love. No matter what gender I was. But that smooth emotional state you mentioned is a part of who Autumn is. Who I am inside, that person who wants to smile, laugh, be polite, use words like please and thank you and not get dirty looks for it. To be able to show that I care and not get picked on for it. To be able to cry and not get laughed at called weak for it. To be able to share who I really am, what I like – music, movies, books, things like that – what I’m looking for, the kind of life I’d like to live. To be gentle, to be known as a gentle person. Who loves giving hugs. That’s the person I want to be, the person I need to be. Being Autumn full time in the privacy of my home makes me feel so good, the real me is free to be her complete-self here. And for right now, it would be enough just to be able to be that person outside of my home. No matter how I have to dress. Does this make sense? What I’m trying to say is, male or female, no matter how we identify, to me it’s about being the person I really am inside. Autumn has a good heart, she would never hurt anyone. I want to be the person she is full time. If I’m able to do that, then I might be able to take the next step.

         

        Big Hug 🙂

         

        Autumn

        • #92097
          Anonymous

          Thank you for your reply Autumn. We have kindred hearts. You have put into words the thoughts of my heart.  I could be angry at my parents who sent me to conversion therapy when I was 5 years old but what would be the use; they both passed away 15 years ago. I would only be hurting myself and the people around me that I care about.

          And who in society do we get mad at? When I was 5 years old they were arresting gay and trans adults for being perverts and sending children to either mental institutions or conversion therapy.  The only thing I can be is thankful for is that we live in a better time and to remind young trans people that even if they think things are bad they should be thankful they were not born in the 50’s.

          Because of your compassionate heart and empathy for the problems of other trans individuals you could have a good encouragement mission one day as you progress through your transition.  I started my transition 4 years ago and started on HRT 18 months ago.  When I started transitioning I had trans individuals that helped me early on pointing me in the right direction and providing me encouragement to keep me going.  I think you could be someone like that one day.

           

          2 users thanked author for this post.
          • #92099
            Autumn
            FREE

            Autumn is the compassionate one. She was the one who started crying when she saw the story on the evening news a couple of months ago about a group of transgender women being assaulted on the street while a group of people cheered. There were fans of what was happening to those women, and they were actually cheering. Autumn cried, but Mike wanted more than justice. Mike wanted revenge. Cold blooded revenge against those hateful people. But I don’t want to want revenge. I want to be Autumn. She wouldn’t even think about revenge. She would handle the situation more gently.

            Maybe some day I will be her all the time. That would be nice. Thank you for your kind words, Jamie. Big Hug.

             

            Autumn

    • #91988
      Anonymous

      Yeah I was very nervous, didn’t know what to put really.

      was a huge step for me as Georgie had been for my eyes only for years, so to announce myself on a public forum was immensely important.

      I did the same as Stacey and created email address for Georgie which everything goes through now.

       

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #91939
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Autumn:

      Glad that you could join us! I trust that your time here will help play a role in beginning to help you get sorted with what you need to do going forward.

      I did a bit of research and came up with a couple of things.

      There is a group called the Tennessee Vals that hold regular support group gatherings, but it looks like they have their meetings in Nashville. I’ve sent a message asking for confirmation of that.

      And this:

      Adult Transgender & Non-Binary Support
      https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups/transgender/tn/knoxville/134845?sid=5fe8b795c59af&zipdist=30&ref=1&rec_next=1

      For reference:

      https://knoxvilletn.gov/government/mayors_office/lgbt_equality_in_knoxville

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #91949
        Autumn
        FREE

        Thank you for your kind words, DeeAnn. Nice to meet you. I guess this is kind of first step for me in a way. Reaching out and sharing something about myself that I’ve kept secret for so long. Being Autumn in the privacy of my home is something I’ve been doing for years now, but revealing it is something I’ve only started doing recently. I was nervous setting up my profile, but I’m quickly becoming more comfortable with being myself now. Thank you for your kindness.

         

        Autumn

        • #91951
          DeeAnn Hopings
          AMBASSADOR

          Not a problem.

          The sad thing for me is that so many come here without knowing that other people, with the same issues, do exist. When they discover the site, they are blown away. Isolation is a terrible situation and a very depressing one.

          On one hand I’m very happy that they found us, but on the other hand I know that there are so many that don’t know that we are here…

          1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #91938
      Carly Holloway
      AMBASSADOR - EDITOR

      A big hug from Oklahoma to you, Autumn.  Glad you found the site.  Go ahead and make yourself at home, in the forums or chats.  There are a lot,  (a lot!)  of women here to talk to.  We’re a pretty friendly bunch.   Feel free to ask questions, join conversations, and share.   Here’s to the best New Year to you.

      Peace and love       Carly

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #91950
        Autumn
        FREE

        Thank you, Carly. Big hug back:) Thank you for encouraging me to join and share. It means a lot to me. Hope you had a happy Holiday Season, that 2021 is a wonderful year for you. Carly is a pretty name. Is there a story behind it? I chose Autumn because that season is my favorite time of year. I’ve always found the season of Autumn to be the most beautiful. This is so nice, being able to admit how beautiful I find a season to be. Using words like pretty and beautiful. Sharing how something makes me feel, how it moves me. Sharing feelings I can’t share when I walk outside my apartment. It’s wonderful. Thank you.

         

        Hugs 🙂

         

        Autumn

    • #91935
      Anonymous

      Hi Autumn and welcome to TGH

      Well you can certainly be yourself here. I am in similar boat but just recently.

      There are many people here to ask any questions you have.

      Make yourself at home x

       

      Georgie

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #91952
        Autumn
        FREE

        Thank you, Georgie. It’s so nice finding a place where I can be myself. Thank you for helping to make me feel welcome here and reassuring me that it’s okay to ask questions. Were you nervous, too? About setting up a profile here? I was, but I’m quickly starting to realize that I made the right decision.

         

        Autumn

        2 users thanked author for this post.
        • #91986

          I was really nervous, but I just bit the bullet, it’s time to be my true self.

          To make it feel more real, I also set up a new email address too, with my new chosen name.

          1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #92013
            Autumn
            FREE

            Thanks, Stacey. Time to be my true self, too. No longer nervous about joining this site, but still not ready to share who I am outside of the safety of my home. But would like to get there someday.

             

            Autumn

            1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #92014

            <p style=”text-align: left;”>Absolutely 💯%</p>
            I’ve not managed to build the courage to tell my family or friends yet either..

            But I am hopefully seeing my GP in the morning (if I can get through, as they are bloody useless!!!)

            Currently I am thinking about, taking a change of clothes, going for a drive to another area and going for a walk dressed feminine and see how I go in public.

            1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #92019
            Autumn
            FREE

            I have the clothes, the new wardrobe continues to expand. Would love to go out dressed the way I want. Maybe eventually I’ll work my way up to driving around for a bit dressed the way I want. The next step would be a walk.

             

            Hope your appointment tomorrow morning goes well. Big Hug.

            1 user thanked author for this post.
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