Back from a break

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    Topic
  • #91293
    Michelle M
    Participant

    Hello everyone

    After taking a break for a while I’ve learned a lot about myself. My thoughts of transitioning would come and go. Back in august I left everything be because I was scared and just wanted to go back to my old self. And while I’ve been ok my desire to be a woman never fully left. One day I came across a therapist online and she said something that hit home when it comes to not being sure and being afraid to transposition. She said and I quote “ the tide will come in and go out but the water will never leave”.

    That quote really spoke to me and is so true. After hearing that I entered a couple of therapy sessions. Things now have never been more clear. I have finally come to full self acceptance that I am transgender. All though that was a huge mountain to climb my hardest road is still year ahead. As a husband and father of two I have to stay closeted for the time being. I am going to continue to seek therapy and try to work through this. With that being said, internally I want to know look at myself as a woman and want to continue my journey. Hopefully one day I will be able to start hormones but for right now how I feel inside feels right and feels good.

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    • #93633
      Diana W
      FREE

      Hello everyone

      After taking a break for a while I’ve learned a lot about myself. My thoughts of transitioning would come and go. Back in august I left everything be because I was scared and just wanted to go back to my old self. And while I’ve been ok my desire to be a woman never fully left. One day I came across a therapist online and she said something that hit home when it comes to not being sure and being afraid to transposition. She said and I quote “ the tide will come in and go out but the water will never leave”.

      That quote really spoke to me and is so true. After hearing that I entered a couple of therapy sessions. Things now have never been more clear. I have finally come to full self acceptance that I am transgender. All though that was a huge mountain to climb my hardest road is still year ahead. As a husband and father of two I have to stay closeted for the time being. I am going to continue to seek therapy and try to work through this. With that being said, internally I want to know look at myself as a woman and want to continue my journey. Hopefully one day I will be able to start hormones but for right now how I feel inside feels right and feels good.

      That is a perfect analogy.  And I can identify with it.  My desire to be female is always there in the background.  These days at no time do I feel masculine.  It’s just not there.  Right now I’m firmly in the closet.  At home I can live and dress as a woman and my wife is now comfortable with it.  Often this seems to be enough.  But then I have these episodes of intense depression and frustration and just wanting to practically climb out of my own body.  At those times the tide is well and truly in.  At the moment, while I can dress female and wear makeup around my wife, transitioning is off the table if I don’t want to trash my marriage.  And I really don’t.  The problem is the tide is coming in more frequently these days.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #92324
      Anonymous

      Hello Michelle, welcome to the group. We all transition on a different schedule and a different time in our lives. I started my transition at age 60 and I have a friend that started at age 72. So it will never be too late to start when you are ready.

      If you have not become familiar with the term gender dysphoria then you might want to read about it online.  Gender dysphoria usually gets worse with time and eventually it forces all of us to transition to survive. One comment you made suggests that you are familiar with the unfortunate reality that the marriage survival rate is low.  And the last thing any of us want to do is break up our family.

      You should definitely get a gender therapist to help you to sort through your thoughts and feelings and to help you decide what might be the right time to transition. if at all. You should also seek out some local trans girls that you can meet that can possibly answer some of your questions. None of us can do this transition journey on our own; we all need the support of other trans friends. So getting plugged into a local trans group early on can be helpful.

      Those of us that have been at this for awhile will tell you that when we started we had trans people that reached out to us to help us along the transition path. The fear that we all face when we start our transition is usually self created.

      We will be here to for you when you have questions. Again, welcome to the group and let us know how we can help you.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #92297

      Just want to share some thoughts of how I feel now.  Since coming back here and finally meeting with a therapist yesterday, so many more childhood memories of feelings of wanting to be a girl have become more obvious.  Memories of mostsly wanting to play with girls and girl toys.  So many memory flashes that I ignored or was passive about.  Even as entering my teenage years I went through a time of wanting to grow my hair.  At the time I just thought I wanted a different look.    Times also I would tuck my private area between my legs and wish i looked like a girl down there.

      I always read people say “they just knew they were in the wrong body”.  Until the last couple weeks I never really understood it fully.  But now I do because that’s how I feel.
      Its so amazing how your mind changes.  When I look at girls now, it’s changed from being sexually attracted to them to being I want to be them in the physical manner.
      anyways sorry for the long post just wanted to share my feelings.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #91297

      Thank you for your response. You are so right

      I will get there eveventually I just need to go my own pace.   Self acceptance was a huge step and how I want to see myself

    • #91296
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Glad you took steps towards figuring out where things sit for you! I think many people have an incorrect view of what therapists do. Their purpose is get the client to think about things that our minds will often try to avoid. Change is difficult to consider and even harder to do. Therefore, we tell ourselves all sorts of things to prevent us from thinking about things that we NEED to think about. Sounds like things went just like they are supposed to and that is a very good start.

      Now that you are beginning to understand what needs to eventually happen, you’ve made a conscious decision that the time is not right. Conscious thought is a very powerful thing because it is supported by thought and reason. You are in command of what will happen as opposed to being dragged along by events.

      All we can do is the best that we can, but that doesn’t mean that a given decision is inflexible. If conditions change, we evaluate the situation again and make a decision based on its own merits. Just because we made a particular decision in the past doesn’t mean that it must be repeated…

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