Bringing your S/O along for the ride

  • This topic has 17 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Seren.
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  • #84268
    Seren
    Participant

    Morning ladies, I hope you’re all keeping safe and happy 😃

    A few months ago I thought of myself (as much as I gave it any thought at all) as a lifetime closet CD with a bit of a lingerie fetish. In March I came out to my wife as a CD (so far so good). Rather than calming my desires this has just opened up a growing flood of dysphoric feelings. I’m now 70-80% certain I want (need?) to start hormone therapy; the question is how do I bring my wife (partner of over 20 years) along? Also have any of you experienced an increase in your gender dysphoria after ‘coming out’? I read that this is quite common….

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    • #91224
      Seren
      FREE

      While I hate to beat a dead horse, I agree with several of the comments above… every relationship is unique, just as the people are that make up the relationship.  While I have had transgender dreams / fantasies / thoughts since at least my teenage years, I only recently (within the past year) identified them as what they were with the help of a therapist.  Unfortunately, like Jamie, my wife has NO interest coming along for the ride.  She wants me to be happy, and we will remain friends (as we have two small kids), but she is not attracted to women…

      All attempts to bring your SO along for the ride are worthwhile, and some succeed… it all depends on the person.

       

      Good luck!!!

      Mikayla

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’m sorry to hear that your wife isn’t accompanying you on your journey. I’m not sure yet if my wife is happy to be seen as a lesbian or if she is able to uncouple the person from the gender. This is in the too hard basket atm….

      S xx

    • #91201

      While I hate to beat a dead horse, I agree with several of the comments above… every relationship is unique, just as the people are that make up the relationship.  While I have had transgender dreams / fantasies / thoughts since at least my teenage years, I only recently (within the past year) identified them as what they were with the help of a therapist.  Unfortunately, like Jamie, my wife has NO interest coming along for the ride.  She wants me to be happy, and we will remain friends (as we have two small kids), but she is not attracted to women…

      All attempts to bring your SO along for the ride are worthwhile, and some succeed… it all depends on the person.

       

      Good luck!!!

      Mikayla

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    • #91188
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Morning ladies, I hope you’re all keeping safe and happy 😃

      A few months ago I thought of myself (as much as I gave it any thought at all) as a lifetime closet CD with a bit of a lingerie fetish. In March I came out to my wife as a CD (so far so good). Rather than calming my desires this has just opened up a growing flood of dysphoric feelings. I’m now 70-80% certain I want (need?) to start hormone therapy; the question is how do I bring my wife (partner of over 20 years) along? Also have any of you experienced an increase in your gender dysphoria after ‘coming out’? I read that this is quite common….

      Seren:

      I would suggest seeing a therapist with experience in gender issues as I think the situation requires being better than “70% to 80% certain”. Also I think professional will help with your partner in terms of creditability…

      • #91197
        Seren
        FREE

        Morning ladies, I hope you’re all keeping safe and happy 😃

        A few months ago I thought of myself (as much as I gave it any thought at all) as a lifetime closet CD with a bit of a lingerie fetish. In March I came out to my wife as a CD (so far so good). Rather than calming my desires this has just opened up a growing flood of dysphoric feelings. I’m now 70-80% certain I want (need?) to start hormone therapy; the question is how do I bring my wife (partner of over 20 years) along? Also have any of you experienced an increase in your gender dysphoria after ‘coming out’? I read that this is quite common….

        Seren:

        I would suggest seeing a therapist with experience in gender issues as I think the situation requires being better than “70% to 80% certain”. Also I think professional will help with your partner in terms of creditability…

        Thanks DeeAnn, I forgot to say that I’d started seeing a gender therapist quite early on, when I was still at the ‘I’m a CD’ stage. She’s been enormously helpful.

        I’m totally on board with the ‘take it slow’ mantra; so far we’re doing ok. Buuut…. m also aware that the current situation is not a normal one, we’re not going out, or meeting up with friends/family. The longer I go only dressing as my true self the harder it will be to go back to pretending. What life looks like ‘after’ (for me/us) is the next difficult convo to have with her.

        take care and stay safe

        Seren xx

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        • #91200
          DeeAnn Hopings
          AMBASSADOR

          Ah, Very Good!

          I think a therapist is an important part in what happens because the human mind will tell us all sorts of erroneous things in an attempt to minimize stress, but for us it is unavoidable as there are some major questions that have to be worked through.

          I agree that these times are an aberration. This effects our thinking and casts a shadow over everything what we do. It also raises its own question in that would the decisions that you come to be the same in more normal circumstances. Sort of the gift that keeps on giving!

          When I was in high school and college my grandmother would often remind me:

          ”Act in haste, repent at leisure.”

          Something I’ve noticed on various crossdressing and trans forums that I’ve been on is impatience; particularly among younger ones. The text often goes something like:

          ”I don’t know what is wrong with me. It’s driving me crazy. I have to figure this out NOW!”

          But, as we know, rushing through significant and potentially life-altering decisions is not a good thing. Complex ideas have to settle in; we have to get comfortable with them. If not, we’re just fooling ourselves.

          Sometimes I remind people that it took XX number of years (ones current age) to get to this point (thinking about coming out and restructuring ones life). So the question is why does it have to be sorted next week? From what I remember, I don’t think that I’ve ever had an answer!?!?

          Anyway, know that all of us wish you well as things progress!

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    • #91160
      Jamie Harris
      SILVER

      I think that every trans girl has a slightly different version of what happened when they tried to take their SO along for the ride. When I originally came out to my wife I told her that I knew she had not signed up to be married to a trans girl and if she wanted a divorce I would understand and not get angry and bitter over it. For the first two years following that revelation she thought I was going to continue dressing in my room. Even though I tried to tell her that would not be the case. When I started HRT it was six months before I told her. That was when she started taking me seriously and she increased her pressure on me to not transition. I had provided her with all sorts of resources about transition from the beginning.  Now 3 1/2 years after I came out to her the divorce is almost final. And the fears I had about being alone have not come to pass. I have made many more significant friends in the trans community and they are actually supportive and not confrontational about my transition.

      Gender dysphoria did progress to a higher level after I came out and for the next year and a half until I had gotten several months into HRT. There were many times early on that I wished I could put GD back into a box and not transition. Once I got the right hormones into my system life stabilized. But GD continued. The early stages of transition were the worse when my hair was short and I had not worked out the right makeup look.  And I had not yet developed the right matching clothes. Now 1 1/2 years into HRT I look female enough to blend into the background when I am in public. Which is what we mostly desire. Starting HRT at age 63 is not going to allow a trans girl to look like she is an 18 year old beauty queen. A lot of blending in is being comfortable in our own skin. Go to the store and look around at the older women. Most are frumpy looking with house clothes on. When we try to look nice we look better than most of them.

       

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    • #91158

      Like so many others bringing your so is like trying to fly a balloon with too much ballast  I got past the underwear thing by showing her pictures of the male models wearing them  she finally accepted that .i sustained a shoulder injury legitimately so I needed a bra to hold my shoulders in place   She accepted that  but since all our kids and grandkids live close by I really need her help to get estrogen because I want to do this slowly  …no kids at home….unless their is another source of estrogen without going through doctors..I believe subtle changes are the best .i guess what I need is a fairy godmother to put a magic acceptance spell on her ….background….she had an affair and has been an alcoholic for eight years because of it …she needs a project and if she could only see that helping me along the path of femininity is exactly the cure that she needs she could climb into the balloon and we could fly away … Yes so’s can be terribly troublesome

      I would even wish a spell could be cast to help me and say mote it be

       

       

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    • #91107
      Terri M
      FREE

      Seren, my wife’s attitude is similar to Dawn’s wife. I am married almost 50 years.  I started going out dressed in 1978 or 9. A couple years later my wife found something and I told her. We had 2 children at the time. I had her meet a couple other wives of CD’s. She wanted no part of my femme side. I tried to stop dressing with almost disastrous results. I started dressing again and Balance became the keyword in my life. I have accepted that my wife will have nothing to do with my femme side.  My family has always been my first concern. I get out enfemme when I can. But my family comes first.

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    • #90885
      Jamie Harris
      SILVER

      Hello Seren. I was married to the current wife for 23 years. She never knew I was dressing. I have been trying to take my wife with me for 3 years and she has finally accepted that I am not going backwards to stop my transition and so the result is that we are going through a divorce now.  We will continue to be friends, although it will not be right away that we start clothes shopping and such together.

      Concerning your question about gender dysphoria increasing, I think you should look on YouTube for Dr. Z, PHD. She is a clinical therapist in California and she address this along with many other trans issues. All of her patients are trans.

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    • #89564

      I recently came out to my best friend as Gender Fluid. They both knew that I cross dressed in the past. After my initial revelation I was able to face up to being trans. This is no great mystery to me. It’s just that I’m now at a place where I can accept it. It’s like watching a large wave approaching and I’m swimming toward it. I’ve made the call to start therapy. I want to begin HRT. I feel so calm about this.

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    • #84932
      Dawn J
      AMBASSADOR

      Maxine, you are correct. My wife is accepting of my crossdressing. She is not real supportive & definitely not encouraging. We have discussed transition. She says she would leave me. Like Charissa says, my wife married a man & that’s what she wants. And even when I dress, she feels “alone & abandoned” because I am the “other woman”, stealing time with her husband. She wants me to drop her off if I’m going to take that ride.

      Dawn

       

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    • #84926

      Hi, I can’t really speak to the SO issue as my wife and I were separated at the time of my coming out.  However, we are still very good friends and she is understanding and helping me along as I go.

      As for the dysphoria, I definitely feel it more as I’ve come out as transgender and started HRT.  It has gotten worse due to this pandemic and the fact that spas are closed.  I can’t get rid of the body hair fast enough.  I haven’t been able to wax or laser the hair since this started and it is growing back longer each day.  They finally opened the spas and I made an appointment to get it all cleaned up and then I had to cancel because I have to go for cancer surgery (prostate) and they will not let you thread, wax or shave any body parts due to the possibility of infection.  I was going to but the doctor said they could send me home and not do the operation until later when it needs to get done now.  I swear I am going to be the hairiest woman by the time I can actually do something about it.

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    • #84894
      Seren
      FREE

      Thanks Maxine xx

    • #84890

      Hi Seraphina,

      Thanks for your post.

      To answer the second (and easier) part first: Yes, dysphoria has incerased since coming out and the more people  I come out to, the more it increases. Whether this is a natural phenomenon or due to increased confidence because the reactions so far have been less severe than anticipated, I cannot say.

      On the more complex issue of your SO I can speak from personal experience that a supportive (and even encouraging) SO when you are ONLY a CD does not automatically, nor even necessarily, evolve into a supportive SO once transition is on the table.

      Small gradual steps, include her in each, encourage her to express her opinion and monitor any changes in her support. Something that is often overlooked when it comes to SOs is that “accepting” is not the same as “supportive”.

      I wish you luck and happiness wherever your journey takes you.

      Hugs,

      Maxine

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    • #84814
      Seren
      FREE

      Thanks Charissa x

    • #84270

      I would leave articles open regarding transgender and any mail with LGBTQ in plain site for my wife to see. She would ask about these things and I would explain I am trying to find my place in the gender spectrum. She knew I was not totally a cis male. As we discussed this topic I would share my real interests little by little. I didn’t want to overwhelm her with such a major change in her life.                                                                                                                        The key in my situation was to respect my wife and give her time to accept my goals. Also, I would slowly grow into my interest at a pace she could accept. I do need to share however, my wife feels somewhat abandoned and alone. I try to comfort her and explain that I am only living as the person I truly am and that I will always be there for her. She tells me she needs a man in her life to love her as a man. We take this one day by day.                                    Good luck and try to be open and honest with her.

      Charissa

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