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Hi, I’m Archie, and I’m new here. I discovered I was trans early March 2023, and found Transgender Heaven, looking for online support since there was none here where I live. Well, a little something something happened yesterday, and here I am to talk about it.
Ahem. Story time.
Last night after dinner, I was texting with my younger sister. She’s about to graduate from grad school, and myself and my mother are going to drive up to see her walk (she’s across the country/I’m in the USA). She’ll be introducing me to her professors and other students, and has been wanting to know how she will do it. So, she asked if she could introduce me as her older brother.
I was ecstatic. My sister had accepted me totally. In fact, when I questioned if she was truly okay with that, her response was “I’m not going to misgender you for my own comfort.” I’m not kidding, my little sister is sent from a literal Transgender Heaven and I don’t deserve her.
So I was nearly about to cry from pure happiness, but I had to cook dinner, so I ended the conversation with a big thank you.
So, time skip, it was after dinner, and my Mom had gone upstairs, and I’m back to texting with my sister. Anxiety begins to hit because while I’m ecstatic that she wants to introduce me as her brother…I don’t want to be introduced as her brother with boobs.
All of my thoughts collided.
I wanted to be introduced as her brother. But I didn’t want boobs. I wanted to bind. But I’m supposed to transition slowly, and I had decided to not bind yet. So then roll back and be introduced as a sister. I don’t want to be a sister!! Then be a brother, and don’t bind. Bind! You’re going too fast, you can’t be hasty! You haven’t even come out yet to everyone but your mother and sister yet!
And then came to the panic. I got anxious, and nauseous, my head began hurting, my stomach began hurting. My sister texted me to calm and breathe, and to take one step at a time (referring to transition) but it wasn’t working. I texted her I was practicing my breathing and that I was going to moms room.
I kept texting my sister throughout my panicking because I wanted her to know what was happening and not leave her hanging. So I texted her that it was hard to breathe, and I was mouth breathing, deep and heavy mouth breathing, that I told mom I needed help and I was in panic, and that I was breathing faster again and trying to slow my breathing. My texts were coming choppy and with typos, because I was starting to lose function.
Then my sister texted: head between your knees. In through the nose out through the mouth.
And that’s when I stopped texting, because I had lost the ability to think and move. I was in my bedroom, because my mom had been in the bathroom. And I was just standing still, gasping for air, totally panicking.
Finally my mom came in the room, but she didn’t know what to do. She had never seen me in a full blown panic attack before, and I hadn’t been clear on what I needed when I came into her room when she was busy in the bathroom. And now that I wasn’t able to do anything but stand there and gasp, she didn’t know what was going on.
So I focused on my younger sister’s and slowly sat down, and struggled to breathe in my nose and out my mouth. It took what felt like forever, but the panic attack subsided. Then I began crying. My mom managed to coax out what happened from me…that I didn’t want my sister to introduce me at her graduation as a brother with boobs.
Total trans panic…
If I ever had any doubts that I was trans…I don’t anymore. My mom hugged me, and my sister bought me a pin that says “my pronouns are he/they” and wants me to wear them at her graduation. My mother and sister are amazing. So even with all of their support, I can still end up in a mess. Has anything like that happened to anyone? Where something with your transness overwhelmed you, and put you into total panic mode? Extra points for sobbing at the end…Anyway…I just needed to share my story. I hope everyone else is being safe, and has someone to talk to. Peace, Archie.
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