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one of the parts i struggle with most as i come to terms with the possibility that i am trans and will someday live as such is the effect on my children. regardless of what my truth is, i have and will continue to raise them not only to be accepting, but with a refusal to place any “gender”-based expectations. in my opinion, this is the most important thing with young children, but that’s another topic.
i may not be the perfect father, but i honestly cannot think of a better one. truthfully, i have no reason to believe there is a better father out there and there never has been. my parents were both shit, so i’ve never experienced a good father, but my daughter has and any future children also will. so here’s the problem: what if i am not a father?
i have an incredibly negative opinion of men and i try to not put that onto my own children. it can be hard with a girl when i really want her to be safe, but also not as distrustful as me, but i worry about what i would do with a boy, especially a boy who would not have the same questions that i have. i feel like it’s right to show my children – and the whole world, that a man can be good and i feel like someday going “oops, turns out i’m actually a woman!” would shatter all that.
as more and more authoritative sources tell me things like “if you are questioning this at all, you are trans,” i really wonder if a good man can even exist. i do my best (and when i fail, it so often feels as a result of my masculine training), and i would hate to confirm the reality that i believe myself: “all men are trash.” if i am not trash, then i guess i’m not a man? personally, that’s fine with me, but my daughter has already demonstrated a lot attraction to boys, and what if i have a son who is comfortable as a male? after my wife losing her attraction to me, changes in sexual function, etc. the scariest idea of admitting to myself that i am trans is sending that message: “the only good man is a trans woman who hasn’t come out yet.”
hearts and rainbows,
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