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- I actually never did anything to express my gender until 3 months ago. I have autism and just wore what people bought me. I always knew what I would wear if I was a girl or a woman. Now I shave my legs and chest. I can hardly bear it. I love the smooth feeling of my legs when they are free of hair. I KNOW that I am a woman. For me that label means having bottom surgery and hormones for MtF. I used to think I just was chronically depressed, but the depression washes away when I accept myself without worrying what everyone around me thinks. I keep getting micro cuts from shaving. I hate it. I just want the hair gone. I tried to dress how I feel like with a bra and tight under wear and a wig but it isn’t real enough. It has to be my flesh. It has to be my real hair. I love long braided hair. I feel like I finally understand what it means to accept yourself when even supportive family and friends doubt you. I am starting to hate my maleness like I never have. I want to be me NOW! Its so hard to keep living in this false costume. Can I trust myself to keep it together long enough to get to that place that I NEED to be? Can I trust that I know who I really am and that nobody else has the authority to cast my truth into doubt?
Ugh. When I can express myself I feel at peace. But every moment pretending I’m confused or not trans I live in confusion and self-hatred. I have to trust myself. I’m the only one that has known my own mind all my life. Right?
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