Can I trust myself?

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  • #130929
    Nicki Alimohammadi
    Participant
    1. I actually never did anything to express my gender until 3 months ago. I have autism and just wore what people bought me. I always knew what I would wear if I was a girl or a woman. Now I shave my legs and chest. I can hardly bear it. I love the smooth feeling of my legs when they are free of hair. I KNOW that I am a woman. For me that label means having bottom surgery and hormones for MtF. I used to think I just was chronically depressed, but the depression washes away when I accept myself without worrying what everyone around me thinks. I keep getting micro cuts from shaving. I hate it. I just want the hair gone. I tried to dress how I feel like with a bra and tight under wear and a wig but it isn’t real enough. It has to be my flesh. It has to be my real hair. I love long braided hair. I feel like I finally understand what it means to accept yourself when even supportive family and friends doubt you. I am starting to hate my maleness like I never have. I want to be me NOW! Its so hard to keep living in this false costume. Can I trust myself to keep it together long enough to get to that place that I NEED to be? Can I trust that I know who I really am and that nobody else has the authority to cast my truth into doubt?

    Ugh. When I can express myself I feel at peace. But every moment pretending I’m confused or not trans I live in confusion and self-hatred. I have to trust myself. I’m the only one that has known my own mind all my life. Right?

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    • #131271

      I have my very first therapy appointment tomorrow with an experience gender affirming therapist that will be virtual.  Was just curious what is asked or said in the first session? Will it be me talking more or the therapist asking me questions?  This will be my first time being face to face with someone using my pronoun she/hers and using my name Michelle.  I’m nervous but I’m truly going into this with an open mind and the willingness to be 100% honest no matter what is asked or how emotional I get.

       

      Michelle

      • #131272

        Well during my first session the therapist listened to me for most of the time we had. I think that one was 90 minutes long. We have since split it into 60 minute sessions, but he made it sound like 90 minutes was the standard. After I spoke, the therapist asked some questions. I answered them. We talked about how we would move forward for future sessions and about weekly scheduling them on the same day at the same time.
        In terms of being gender-affirming, the therapist was very respectful and made no judgements one way or the other. It really was about me and what I was feeling and felt comfortable sharing. I am still confused but the therapist never tried to steer me one way or another. That’s all I can say for the first session. The therapist also mentioned that it was a safe space and you should be alone where nobody else can intrude on the meeting.
        My advice is that you can feel safe and vulnerable and honest during all your sessions with the gender-affirming session. I was using my new name and pronouns and I felt safe doing so. I had new clothes on and some makeup. It felt very safe.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
        • #131275
          DeeAnn Hopings
          AMBASSADOR

          It is completely improper for a therapist to steer a client in any direction regardless of what the fundamental issue is. The idea is all about self-discovery and coming to your own conclusions. Anything else is suspect.

    • #130990
      Brielle
      SILVER

      Hi Nicki, i share your feelings about body hair. that has been one of my issues and became an issue with my wife since she liked my hairy arms and hands. i didn’t have a lot, but she was definitely turned off by me shaving them, my legs, and my abdomen. i hadn’t shaved anything but my chest once up until last year. once i did, i just knee there was no going back. if the razor nicks are an issue, as they have been with me, use nair on your hands, areas where it’s hard to shave close, etc. the best razor and shave cream i found is “pure silk” and i het that at my local grocery store.

      Glad you’re here!

      Hugs,

      Brie

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #130932
      Shiloh
      FREE

      Always try to trust yourself.
      I would recommend a good transgender therapist, they can help a lot.
      Yes there will always be people around you who try to cause problems.
      But you will also find that there are plenty of people that are accepting and caring.
      Here on TGH you will find many friends that will help and encourage. And you will find lots of information here also.
      Each one of us is on our journey of discovery and finding the woman who is inside.
      Shiloh Rose

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      • #130933

        Thank you Shiloh. I do have a good therapist I got lucky enough through a transgender center. He himself is cisgender I think. I’m not sure but he presents that way and uses he/him pronouns. He has had me doing some activities like drawing myself as I see myself rather than what I was assigned at birth, and doing self-concept workbooks as my former self and as my true self. I doubted myself because I never really formed a strong sense of gender identity. I just became what people around me decided I was.

        I think I am grappling with several aspects all at once. Suddenly I am accepting that none of what I was pretending to be was true.

        I trust myself that three things are true:

        1. I have already accepted that I am a woman. I don’t even feel trans. I just feel stuck in this male body. I wish I could get pregnant and give birth. I know that wont happen, but I feel so free that some day everyone will see who I really am.

        2. I have a female identity. I have some masculine identity but not much. If I could choose I would have been born with female anatomy.

        3. I am attracted to women, or at least people that express themselves as women. For me this is in a romantic and emotional sense. In a sexual sense I am attracted to female anatomy. I do identify as lesbian. I don’t think I would care if she were a trans woman or cis woman.

        I know why I am afraid to trust myself. I have lived in denial my entire life without even knowing it. I think that now that I have accepted myself the gender dysphoria is hitting me hard. I think in the past I just numbed myself to it and could not name it. I also know this because after improving from medication for depression and other mental issues, I still had a lingering sense of wrongness.

        It feels like toxins leaving my body. Its horrible but I know I will feel much better afterward.

         

         

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