Can’t help feeling like it’s my fault

  • This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by CJ P.
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  • #116598
    Mallory Barbie
    Participant

    I was awakened a couple hours ago by our police department. When you’re waking up and the police are there, you have so many racing thoughts… None of them good. Thankfully they were kind and respectful. And it turned out that they were looking for one of my adult children. (Who does still live with us.)

    they had been alerted that there was talk of attempted suicide. I let them in and we took them to the room of my adult child, who readily admitted that yes, they had taken a number of pills, and was done living.

    they took my child to the hospital, and here I sit, helpless. Useless.

    We went to the hospital, who only acknowledged their presence because the police told them we were coming. We can’t visit, due to COVID. So we have no idea what’s happening. I found their suicide note, and a text conversation where they told someone what they had taken. I shared that with the security guard, since the nurses wouldn’t speak with me directly. but the guard took the info back to them…See, my child admitted to one medication… but not the others. So I left printed copies for the nurses and our contact information.

    when I returned home, I found the empty bottles. Yes, without intervention, the combo will kill them.

    so we wait. A don’t call us, we’ll call you situation.

    I came out like a month ago to my kids. They took it well, I thought. They all were so supportive. The suicide note, doesn’t say a truthful why… some BS about being so happy that life won’t get better, so it’s time to leave. So it’s not helpful.

    my mind keeps blaming myself. Did I do this? Was it another straw on the camel’s back? I know no one will have my answer. Only my child will, and honestly, they aren’t talking.

    I needed to share this. I have my psychologist appointment this afternoon, so I’m sure we’ll spend time on that today.

    thank you for reading this.

    1 user thanked author for this post.
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    • #116977
      CJ P
      FREE

      Really sorry to hear. But sounds like you are handling this extremely well. I also echo the sentiment that it is NOT your fault. You never know what was going on in someone’s head or heart that makes them say or do the things they do. It may have nothing to do with your coming out. But it’s great that they are getting help and are in touch with you. I’m not an expert, but it sounds like a really healthy first step in recovery. Sending prayers your way!

    • #116624
      RozH
      SILVER

      Hi Mallory

      I’m glad the hospital treatment is working and your child is now safe. It’s not your fault. Many of us parents carry eternal guilt and blame ourselves when anything goes wrong with our kids. It’s common amongst parents to blame themselves. But our kids are their own people with their own problems and stresses that we can often do little to fix for them and have to settle for just being there as a sounding board for them and to give support, love and hugs where possible. There will likely be many stresses in their life that can result in them feeling unable to cope and doing something impulsive that they later regret. We just have to keep supporting, loving and providing something to look forward to in life, no matter how small that might be. Hopefully the hospital has a good counsellor who can help. They usually do. Take care to look after your own health at home so you’re in good shape to help when your child gets home too. My thoughts and best wishes are with you from afar.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #116618

      Update:

      1. I had my appointment with my therapist and we spent our time working on this. She also stated it wasn’t my fault. Its part of who I am to naturally assume that when bad things happen, it must be my fault. So something else to work on.

      2. During my appointment, My wife went back to the hospital, to see if she could get someone to tell her anything. She found a security guard who was empathetic who helped her out, and got things moving.

      a. He was able to find out that yes, our child was being admitted, (to a medical floor ) and told us the room number. Good sign, I was worried about needing an ICU.

      b. By the time she got home, my wife finally received  a call from our child’s nurse. Who let us know that our child was being admitted for medical clearance and had been asking about us.

      c. About dinner time, about 16 hours after this all began, our child called. They had been admitted, and were on the med/surg floor. They had run the tests for acetaminophen and was getting the medication to protect their organs. Thankfully at the hospital, they became very nauseated and began to vomit up a good number of pill fragments.

      d. They were a bit loopy from being medicated but was feeling better. They spent a good amount of time talking to us about nothing important but it didn’t matter. They were alive, and we can work with that.

    • #116614
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Mallory:

      Difficult situation, to be sure. As is unusual for me, I have nothing to add. I do hope that some clarity is gained in the coming days as that would be a good thing for all concerned. I suspect that it is not your fault, but the human mind does strange things and sometimes makes us believe that 2 + 2 = 5.

      Good Thoughts to you and family.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #116619

        DeeAnn,

        I appreciate it. I too am at a loss. I don’t know what to say, what to think, and I’m an emotional wreck.
        I do have a counselor I see for my gender dysphoria, who I worked with yesterday. Plus I can get in touch with her over the weekend if something comes up.

        • #116654
          DeeAnn Hopings
          AMBASSADOR

          The fact that you are already working with someone should be helpful. Often our minds will avoid thinking about a particular topic that is very difficult to consider or might lead to upheaval and increased stress. A therapist can help to maintain focus and gently work through what’s going on. Anyway, I do hope that things will work out and that you get some answers…

    • #116599
      Michelle Larsen
      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Mallory, I am so sorry to hear you all are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in this crisis and time of need. Do not beat yourself up, your child will need your support afterwards. i suspect the reason the hospital is quiet is the nature of the incident, because they are an adult, and because of all this covid stuff. But your child is alive, which means another day is given to you all to build a stronger family. So stay positive, you all will get through this. Hugz, Michelle

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #116621

        Michelle.

        Yes, those are mostly reasons why we heard nothing. That and the nurse “just didn’t get around to calling us back” ( her words)

        I was worried about the being alive after I finally located the pill bottles and saw the amount they had taken. I’ve worked in healthcare long enough to know how easily things get missed.

        my wife and I are working with each other to prepare for what will be needed when they are released. It’s giving us something to do anyway. I’m expecting about 48-72 hours on the med floor. Then transfer to a behavioral health unit which will last about a week. So I think this will give us time to prepare.

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