CD? Enbie? Who am I?

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    • #137251

      Hi, there.

      In 2012, I was unhappy in my marriage, sexually and otherwise, and got the impulse to wear a pair of my then-wife’s thongs. It felt kinky and sexy.

      In 2022, my wife was away for a month and I found myself first wearing her underwear, then other pieces of clothing. I ordered myself a few pairs of panties. I felt sexy.

      Last week I ordered my first shaping camisole. For the past few weeks I’ve been using my wife’s hair removal laser on my chest and feet. I’ve had long nails on my right hand for years for classical guitar, but now I’m shaping them more aesthetically (instead of only functionally). I feel pretty.

      Last week I also added “he/they” to my work signature. It felt right.

      I would like to thank everyone in this beautiful community for helping me on my journey to finding myself.

    • #137273
      DeeAnn Hopings


      Glad you joined us!

      The question that you asked in the Subject is complicated. Are you still working with a therapist? If not, I would encourage that and particularly one with experience in gender issues as everyone does not have that experience and interest. To me, what you said does suggest something beyond crossdressing, but I (and the vast majority of members) have no expertise in the field of psychology.

      Thanks for completing your Profile page. It is very helpful for other members to understand your situation better. Know that the page will always be readily available and can be updated at any time.

      You may search for other members in your area by clicking on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.

      • #137275

        Thanks, DeAnn!

        Yes, I’m still seeing my therapist and she does know her Butler. And perhaps that’s part of my problem. She has affirmed more than once that I’m trans, and I’m ok with that. Masculinity has mostly been a role I performed poorly, and I don’t have any particular attachment to my male features. But I don’t see myself as a transwoman — hence the “non-binary” identification. My therapist did cover the possibility of my being one during our last session, but I can’t see it even though I do understand that I feel so good whenever allowed (by myself) to explore my femininity. It can be a very calming feeling. Maybe it’s just me shunning the masculinity that has hurt me so much for so long.

        But I do have to be honest and say I don’t want to be a transwoman, because that would mean losing my partner — she likes cis guys and girls, also trans guys, but not trans girls. And that concern can indeed be getting in the way of my “discoveries”. You see, we moved to Canada (from Brazil) 5 years ago because me wanted to have a better chance at life. We also wanted to start a family. On December 1, 2021 our daughter was stillborn at 39 and a half weeks. We still haven’t been able to give or throw away her things. On July 1, 2022, my wife lost her dad. She can’t lose her husband.

        • #137277
          DeeAnn Hopings

          Sorry to hear about the difficulties that you and your wife have experienced. It is a part of life, albeit a very sad part where we can feel totally helpless because there is absolutely nothing we can do to change anything. The only things that we can do is mourn, reset our lives and continue on. It doesn’t make it any easier, but it is what we have to do.

          From my observation of the CD and trans communities over about 10 years, there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of hard, fast lines drawn between thought processes. There appears to be a lot of Gray, or said another way, there may be a lot less rigidity in these concepts than we might think. Non-binary is an interesting concept. Simply put, it means that people fall outside of the traditional male and female gender thought processes. However, what that looks like can be very different in reality. We can be an amalgam of genders or we can have no particular attachment to any gender or anywhere in between. It becomes envelope more interesting when you mix in gender expression.

          You mentioned how family considerations are an important part of your thinking. Many others here have mentioned similar thoughts. Clearly it is a challenge but everyone must solve the equation for themselves in a way that they can live with. For some it has to be full transition which requires acceptance of whatever consequences happen. For others, it is a matter of “close enough” and that’s OK. There is no universal answer and there will never be. But, when all is said and done, each of us has to make peace with our decisions.

          However all this works out for you, there is something to remember: it is not a sprint, it is a marathon. As we work through the combinations and permutations of our lives, haste is not our friend.

          • #137278
            DeeAnn Hopings

            I forgot to mention that my last project before I retired was in Brazil, Rio de Janeiro to be exact. I made a few trips there and one to São Paulo. Interesting place and I’m glad that I had the opportunity. When I was there the “scandal” related to the president at the time (Dilma?) was just beginning to heat up.

            However, there is something about Brazil that many don’t understand. We see the scantily dressed folks on the beaches and we think that the country is very liberal, but the reality is very different. One way that shows up is in the violence against trans people, particularly trans women. The sad reality is that they always seem to be at, or near, the top of the list each year.

          • #137279

            Thank you so much for the insights 💚 I’m still absorbing it all and trying not to get too amped up by this. Like you said, it’s a marathon, not a sprint, and whichever decisions and changes I make today I still want to be happy about tomorrow. That’s one of the main reasons why I can’t see myself transitioning at all, even though I can see myself potentially radically changing my presentation in the not-very-far future.

            I ultimately cannot — and hopefully will not — deny anything about myself to please others or “keep things normal”. No matter how much I hate hurting people, hurting myself for someone else is just wrong.

            Many things you said called my attention, and I definitely see myself not attached to masculinity (because I don’t like it), barely attached to my femininity (which I’m recently discovering), and feeling more like a “person” than anything else.

            It’s interesting that I don’t have to explain to you how “scantily-dressed” Brazilians are hypocritical bigots. My closeted bisexual (perhaps homosexual), pedophile father was the one who, over and over again, would snap at me whenever I “wasn’t man enough”. And yes, Brazil has been the country that kills the most trans people for 14 years in a row. No wonder I never want to come back, not even for visiting. And once I get my Canadian citizenship I will never have to.

    • #137315

      Hello Gigi,

      Welcome to our TransGender Heaven (TGH) site: A Transgender Support Site. We are a wonderful, accepting, loving, helpful community where you can be safe and be yourself.

      You can read about the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
      My hope is that you will become comfortable here and make many new friends.
      Glad you are here. Looking forward to seeing you on the site.
      Terri Anne, Ambassador  🏳‍⚧

      ============ TGH MtF ChatRoom ============================

      =========== TGH How-to Navigation ============================

      • #137326

        Thank you so much, Terri! Already learning quite a lot here 💚

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