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Hi, Michelle. At 68 years old, I’ve accepted my real self as me, after years of pretending. Personally, I knew something was amiss all my life. I Didn’t have words or concepts to express it until I was a teenager. I heard an underground radio station share an interview with Dr Virginia Prince, one of the pioneers in the 50s and 60s and 70s. Back then, there was no form of support to be found, and being trans was a psychiatric disorder, so I stayed as stealthy as I could manage. But that was the event that gave me a framework to describe who I am and to start learning about myself.
For me, the signs were obvious but I ignored them for so long. Duh – I wasn’t very bright. I loved playing with my sisters barbie dolls. My mom would encourage this. My mom also showed me how to put make-up and nail polish on. She encouraged me to dress when I was bad. So I dressed. A lot! I continued to dress during school, in my marriage. Finally, I have told my wife of my cross dressing and my desire to become Andrea full time. It is a struggle. I am at a cross roads, but finally – after 50 years – of opening up to people including her and letting Andrea out to the world, even a little, is incredibly freeing.
For me it was wanting to wear my friends that was a girl her clothes. Then sometimes I would sneak my moms lip gloss she never used and put it on when I was alone. Then when I was 12 I found my moms tampons and took one and tried it. I had to read the directions to see how to insert it. That memory particularly sticks out because that was the most feminine thing I had ever felt. Over time I would do it occasionally. But being so young it was like I just enjoyed how it felt but I never processed it. Looking bad I wish I had because I would be a lot further along then I am now.
I spent most of my life hiding and denying the signs to myself.
The first sign I remember is being given a childhood practice razor and shaving cream around 5 or 6 years old (mens facial hair style.) at the time I had no name for that intense dread that surged through me about the impending doom. I became afraid to grow up that day.
I have a sister very close to the same age as me and we would play together all the time. In the mud, Lego’s, Barbies, just whatever it wasn’t boy or girl play then. However, I would throw a friggin fit if I had to play with the ugly boy dolls (I want to be the pretty one! Lol) I grew very jealous of my sister.
Nail Polish! Omg since I was like six until I got beat up for it in 4th grade
I always wanted my hair to grow but they kept cutting it on me and it made me so angry.
I started stealing and trying my sisters clothes on privately when I was about 8 or 9. I was caught by a 16 year old female family member once and got a full make over and I luuuuved it. This was also scary. I eventually got into my mothers clothing as I grew and developed an eye for measuring women from a distance eventually picking them for partners and wearing their clothes (I know, I swear I’m really not that creepy)
a friend and I would draw together for fun and while he was drawing hulking men and musculature I would focus on the soft curves of the female body. Even day dreaming a little about being the girls I was drawing. (Come on girl really you didn’t know?)
I had a beautiful singing voice and would sing various female artist (never really chose male songs) and was told I could sing so beautifully then testosterone decided to kill that and I hated my voice from then on.
I never really put any of this together even tho there were numerous signs but as puberty started and my curiosity grew as well Things began to make sense and when I was 12 I was dating a very cute young guy and told my parents about my attraction to boys and girls. Really puberty was not nice I became bitter, numb, upset, confused, hateful and very unhappy
I was over accepted at home for my sexuality (didn’t think it was possible) and I became uncomfortable with the amount of attention at home and bullying at school. There were long phone conversation with my aunt (also a transgender woman) support groups the works. I wish I would have listened to her so much more but I was so overwhelmed and really just needed space and time.
I ended up needing to defend myself in school physically resulting in court cases where I was punished. It became very traumatic and I ran from myself and kept running until about a 1 year ago.
I Joined foot ball, learned how to be a man and played drag king for the rest of my school days. Went off to attempt an easy death in the Middle East with a rifle in my hand but got injured and sent home from basic training. (I was in during the repeal of don’t ask don’t tell we were sat down in the woods and told that won’t be changing regardless of the new policy wooow) I spent my entire adult life running from those childhood signs even tho it was in the back of my mind. It wouldn’t stop and continued to grow.
So here I am 18 years later finally accepting me for me at 30 after all the trauma and unpleasantness. Really wish I would have stayed true to myself and recognized the early signs.
Of course there were signs and some were unnoticed even by myself or at least did not equate to me as my being female. The earliest ones I can remember are giving myself bubble boobies around 5-6 when taking a bath, or playing Barbies with my sister. As I got older I liked to keep my hair long and even got it cut into a girls cut when given the chance until I was corrected. I also liked to wear pants that made my butt look bigger, guess I still do. I used to play a lot of roleplaying games and most of the time chose female roles. Most of my daydreams where of stories where I was turned into a girl in some way or another, silly really that this went unnoticed but transgender popularity back then was really low and not common place. When I started to wear female clothing, makeup and stuff it was a sign alright but was no longer unnoticed.
Hope this helps,
Miriya
I think the signs were there for me — some I recognized, but dismissed, others may have been more subtle that I outright missed, but looking back at it, might have been a sign.
In my case I started presenting in private and experimenting in private beginning at 13 — so I did go into it fairly early, but I dismissed it as me being trans. At that point “trans” was not even a thing (we are talking 1980s here) and it was just not on my radar. I felt like I must be the only “boy” on earth looking to try on his sisters things, or have the feeling constantly repeating inside of me — “what does being a girl feel like.”
I think for some, and certainly in my case, I created excuses and lived in denial for a very long time. I am 50 now, and I am only now really considering myself transgender and saying out loud not that I want to feel like a woman but rather “I am a woman.” I dismissed it even while engaging in it as first a “phase” then a “fetish.”
Subtle signs that were missed (perhaps missed on purpose) I wanted to spend time with my sister and her friends more than I think was reasonable when I was really young (5-10 years old). During that time I also found it difficult to spend time with boys. I never felt like I fit in. They were more rough and tumble and I was far more demure. The earliest sign I missed — which was years before I ever began experimenting was when I was spending some time with male friends, and they said “lets play football.” I had zero interest. I just walked home after a bit, and I distinctly remember using the following statement, ” …why don’t I like to play football? Am I a sissy or something… maybe i am…” I know “sissy” is an improper term and apologies to those who take offense. The point is, for a 7 year old that was the only term I had in 1978, and it was the depth of my comprehension. I did not understand it other than the vision in my mind — i think for the first time was a very basic idea that “I am a girl.”
I am sure many other signs were missed — and it is both unfortunate and perhaps what is just and right for me. Clearly I could not cope with what I felt and my mind invented ways for me to cope. Now, things are vastly different. Where does it end up — not sure. But the journey is what it is.
Wow Andrea I can so relate to this…I myself was probably a couple of years older when I began experimenting (15) and sadly I didn’t have a sister but I did have a friend with one. I remember admiring her in the summer ..tanning in cute bikinis but I was not so attracted to her in them but kept wanting to just try one on. My inner me kept saying that’s not right..it’s not what a boy should do till one day there was one hanging in their bathroom and I did it..I put it on! I must say it wasn’t sexual but it felt right putting it on. I took it off and said never again which lasted all of one day when the opportunity arose again. Each time in my head that question you had “what does it feel like to be a girl and wear one of these”..
I lived till now with that thought in my head while dressing and purging ..dressing and purging. I now know I am a woman regardless of how anyone views my exterior..I always enjoyed time with another girl who was my friend and no interest in playing football (maybe aspirations of being a cheerleader). Now I’m staring my journey to be the girl I’ve always denied being.
n
The part I think I regret most is the “kink” side — allowing myself to deem it a fetish and sexualize it. I think that prevented me from realizing who and what I was as it related to gender identity and had I not dismissed it — sure, I could be in a very different place right now.
That said — “shoulda-coulda-woulda” is an exercise in futility. I can only spend the time I have left and where I am now looking forward, not backward.
Definitely agree girl! No need to dwell on the past…only look forward and make daily progress with being the best girl I can!
I agree with you and the fetish and sexualizing it. With me I was doing that but wasn’t conscious for the longest time as to why is this a fetish to me? Over time I kept finding myself still wanting to be a girl and feel like a girl even after the fantasy was over. After while the arousal of the whole idea went away and was replaced by just naturally feeling like a woman. If that makes sense.
Hi, I’ m Carol a newbe. Happy New Year to you all. Being 73 yrs young over here in the UK. for me the knowledge that I should have been a girl was always there. It was brought home to me aged just 6 when I saw a little girl parading quite proudly in her new best dress wearing a badge which said on it I am 7 years old today. That’s when I knew what was “wrong” with me. That was 1954 and here nothing was ever mentioned about sex, sexuality or anything even remotely pertaining to the subject. I knew to never EVER mention my feelings to anyone. My father was then a soldier of the Queen and he had some ideas about how my life would proceed. Naturally those ideas included at least some soldiering My mother expected me to follow her family’s profession, all her family were in the Navy Royal and Merchant. Tough duty for someone with my feelings. I ended up in the navy aged 15 and a 1/2 Neither of my parents saw me off when I went off to training school. Hey-Ho! Yes it is tough for a kid who doesn’t fit the pigeon hole so carefully selected by parents.
Hello, sisters,
I see this is not a very new thread but I want to add my bit…
I recognise a lot of the stuff here. Between the ages of five and eleven, I was put in tights (pantyhose) and dresses several times for parts in school plays (all boys schools, you see. I also wore a wig to play a secretary once. I accepted this because I knew I had a pretty, feminine face and was also a good actor.
Later, it was mom’s lingerie from the laundry basket, plus skirts and dresses and maybe a bit of lipstick if I had enough time on my own…And I used to like tying myself up and imagining myself as a kidnapped damsel in distress.
Does anyone else identify with the submissive thing? I know this will sound like merely a kink or a fetish but it goes very deep with how I identify as female. I could write more…
And then I started writing endless stories and journals about my life as a woman. That lasted until very recently when I finally decided to do something about these long-repressed desires. Although the stories and the fantasies continued throughout adult life, I never acted on any of them. Until about a month ago…and that opened the floodgates….
I told my SO about these feelings before marriage and we acted them out…a bit. But she never seemed comfortable so everything got buried again for a very long time. But, like those cicadas in the DC area that go into their chrysalises for 17 years, none of this really goes away, does it?
Love to all and hope that some of my words find resonance here!
Grace
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