Coming Out

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #16642
    Tory Bailey
    Participant

    Hello everyone, I joined a few weeks ago but have been afraid to come back until now.  Things have been crazy and frustrating, I’m seeing things both more clearly and yet more blurred.  I have tried to get professional help and have been having trouble.  My wife is supportive some days and condescending on others.  Things are frustrating, but there are a few things I do understand.

     

    I have wanted to be female for a long time.  I am jealous of the way women can wear things to express themselves in their clothing and jewelery and things like that.  The more I think about it the more I realize I have wanted that.  The more I recall past jealousies.  I want to grow my hair out and pierce my ears and wear cute earrings and wear cute clothes.  I want to like the music and literature that I like without feeling that I like stuff aimed at girls.

    And I LOVE girl clothes.  Last week my wife found out that a pair of pants she bought were too long for her and had me try them on.  I NEVER wanted to take them back off.  I have detested my men’s pants for some time, I am forced to wear them for work and tear them off the second I get home to change into shorts.  Now I am changing into girl jeans.  I have even worn them out in public, they are flare jeans but unnoticeable if you don’t look.  I love them so much I never want to wear men’s pants again.

    I tried to go back to the store she got the pants from to get a couple more pair, but we couldn’t afford much.  I ended up getting a pair of capris and a pair of ripped jeans, neither of which my wife says I can really wear in public without coming out.  However, we told the salesperson that I was trans and she gave me a lot of praise for doing so.  It made me feel so good about myself.

    Anyways, part of me wants to start dressing in women’s clothes full time, or at least when I’m not working.  My wife says that I’ll feel much better if I’m not keeping it a secret, but I’m afraid to go that far without talking to somebody first.  I certainly have the desire to do this, but I know there are complications.  Most the people who know are supportive but not understanding.  I have four children who will have to grow up knowing their dad knowingly chose to switch genders.  I may not have friends but I hate the thought of my own kids resenting me.  I am a cashier at the local Walmart, and in our small town it’s where everybody shops.  I am a major face that people see when they shop there, so will people be agry when I show that I’m something that causes controversy?  And if I come out as trans what bathroom do I use?  But then how can I come out publicly when I’ll be shopping at my own place of business in women’s clothes?  Finally, if I come out, I know that I will have to someday find a way to physically transition.  I know that is what I want most and the fact that it is most furthest away is what bothers me most.  Yet my wife has made it clear that if I do she cannot continue our relationship.

    I apologise if I went into too much detail and wrote some things I shouldn’t have.  But I need to get these things off my chest and really need advice.  Thank you.

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    • #18110
      Tory Bailey
      Participant

      FREE

      Hey everyone, after cross dressing in public for the last several days I decided last night to come out on Facebook.  I’m happy to say the response so far has been mostly encouraging and positive, and one of my wife’s friends even knows a girl who runs a nearby transgender support group!  I am so excited to finally meet somebody in person who understands what I’m going through!

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #20926
        CC Webb
        Managing Ambassador

        MANAGING AMBASSADOR

        Congrats Joshua!  Making those local connections is a crucial piece of the puzzle of support.  I’m glad to see you are starting to reach out.

    • #16682

      Joshua.  I think that the MOST IMPORTANT part of being gender dysphoric (notice I didn’t use the term Transgender, because it is not accurate – the literal translation is “across gender”).   that is almost totally ignored is the medical aspect.  We ARE NOT crossing over from one gender to another.  There have been a number of studies that have determined and proven that with gender dysphoric individuals, there are medical reasons that cause our brains to develop with the characteristics of the gender opposite to our sexes.

      When I was finally able to put a name to all the feelings and issues that I had growing up and living as a male, I began delving into trying to find out why I was this way.  After a number of years and running across studies that show beyond a doubt that gender dysphoric individuals brains are just wired differently from their sex, and this is something that happens in the womb, and cannot be laid on our doorstep as either a fetish, or aberration.  If it makes you feel a bit more secure, delve into gender dysphoria on the internet (not transgender) and discover the answers to your uncertainties.  I know that when I did, and was able to explain it to my wife that while she wasn’t exactly 100% thrilled with the idea, she at least did understand it and me better.

      I also prefer the term “non cis woman” to transgender.  Even though transgender is widely accepted in society, there is still a lot of negativism and ridicule attached to it.

      Knowing that everyone is different and are in different situations, in my case once I discovered that there was a medical reason for this, and it was confirmed by medical doctors and psychologists, I began a process of embracing myself and new persona over a period of time and about 18 months ago arrived at being myself full time, and have been accepted as such.

      May your journey be a positive and fruitful one, and I hope you can find the strength to overcome the small adversities (listen to your true self) and achieve the peace of mind you so richly deserve.

       

    • #16675
      Tory Bailey
      Participant

      FREE

      Thank you both for your words of encouragement.  I have a Counciling center that I’m trying to get set up with, I just got the councillor to call me and when I returned her call never got a response.  I have an appointment with my primary doctor tomorrow but I was just getting frustrated and really needed to talk with someone who better understands.

       

      And I think I will continue to keep things small until I can talk with someone.  Thank you.

    • #16673
      CC Webb
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Joshua, you’re not alone in your thoughts and feelings.  Since you mentioned a counselor, we can start there.  Psychologytoday.com is a great resource to find and it looks like quite a few in the city listed in your profile.  You can search yourself by expanding the Issues list and finding Transgender.  I found 2 in your listed town.  But please be aware chances are there will be months of waiting until one has an opening.  You can always expand to nearby cities to see if one is in traveling distance.  If counting on insurance, you should check the counselors website to see if they accept insurance and are in your companies network.  Hope this helps some.

      Cloe

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #16665

      Hi Joshua. Sweetie….you are facing the delemna that a lot of us face. I live in a small town and we have a Pride Day parade!!! I was not born here but just came because I liked it. To-day…..there is much more acceptance of alternative life styles so your worry although, quite valid….won’t be as bad as you think. Your wife is another story. In order to be happy in this life…you must be happy within yourself, before you can be happy with others. Sometimes, this can cause separation…..a fact you must accept. To be truly happy, bind yourself to nothing.

      I suggest you dress at home and go into the yard or little walks in the evening…..be your male self at work. I know small towns and word gets around like wildfire. It make be embarassing at first but it will die down soon enough. As for going full transgender…well….it is very long process and very expensive and hard on mind and body. It is not possible at advanced years and the whole procedure can take 3 plus years. Give it some thought and check out videos on you tune about transgender surgery. Talk to a doctor and see if your age and health could withstand the change. Hope this helps you with your anxiety.

      Dame Veronica.

      Dame Veronica Graunwolf

      1 user thanked author for this post.
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