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Hello everyone, I joined a few weeks ago but have been afraid to come back until now. Things have been crazy and frustrating, I’m seeing things both more clearly and yet more blurred. I have tried to get professional help and have been having trouble. My wife is supportive some days and condescending on others. Things are frustrating, but there are a few things I do understand.
I have wanted to be female for a long time. I am jealous of the way women can wear things to express themselves in their clothing and jewelery and things like that. The more I think about it the more I realize I have wanted that. The more I recall past jealousies. I want to grow my hair out and pierce my ears and wear cute earrings and wear cute clothes. I want to like the music and literature that I like without feeling that I like stuff aimed at girls.
And I LOVE girl clothes. Last week my wife found out that a pair of pants she bought were too long for her and had me try them on. I NEVER wanted to take them back off. I have detested my men’s pants for some time, I am forced to wear them for work and tear them off the second I get home to change into shorts. Now I am changing into girl jeans. I have even worn them out in public, they are flare jeans but unnoticeable if you don’t look. I love them so much I never want to wear men’s pants again.
I tried to go back to the store she got the pants from to get a couple more pair, but we couldn’t afford much. I ended up getting a pair of capris and a pair of ripped jeans, neither of which my wife says I can really wear in public without coming out. However, we told the salesperson that I was trans and she gave me a lot of praise for doing so. It made me feel so good about myself.
Anyways, part of me wants to start dressing in women’s clothes full time, or at least when I’m not working. My wife says that I’ll feel much better if I’m not keeping it a secret, but I’m afraid to go that far without talking to somebody first. I certainly have the desire to do this, but I know there are complications. Most the people who know are supportive but not understanding. I have four children who will have to grow up knowing their dad knowingly chose to switch genders. I may not have friends but I hate the thought of my own kids resenting me. I am a cashier at the local Walmart, and in our small town it’s where everybody shops. I am a major face that people see when they shop there, so will people be agry when I show that I’m something that causes controversy? And if I come out as trans what bathroom do I use? But then how can I come out publicly when I’ll be shopping at my own place of business in women’s clothes? Finally, if I come out, I know that I will have to someday find a way to physically transition. I know that is what I want most and the fact that it is most furthest away is what bothers me most. Yet my wife has made it clear that if I do she cannot continue our relationship.
I apologise if I went into too much detail and wrote some things I shouldn’t have. But I need to get these things off my chest and really need advice. Thank you.
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