Confused… and scared!

  • Creator
  • #33929

    Hey everyone, I’m Abby! So nice to meet all of you!

    So here’s (briefly) my story…

    I’ve been cross dressing (MTF) since I was around 17 and it’s always been a very sexual experience for me. It aroused me so much! As I got older, though, this started changing. I’m at the point now where it is just so comforting to be wearing women’s clothes. The more feminine I look and/or feel, the happier I am. It makes me so sad when I have to change back into guy clothes…

    I started questioning my gender and sought out help from a therapist. I met up with her and was finally able to dress girly in front of someone! That was so exhilarating! It really opened my eyes to how much this meant to me.

    I started looking more into trans stories (mostly on YouTube) and I can relate to them sooo much!

    The more I think about it, and even as I’m typing this out, the more I feel like I should be a woman. I’m so so so terrified! I’m 31, married, and have a 9 month old baby daughter.

    My wife found out about my cross dressing about 2 years ago and is 100% NOT accepting of it. I know if I come out to her as trans, our relationship will be over. I care the most about my daughter though. I want to be there for and with her as she grows up!

    Ugh. I’m just so confused and scared.

    Has anyone on here gone through something similar? How dis you handle it? What did you end up doing and how did it work out?

    Feel free to message me! I’d love to chat and get to know you! 🙂

    thanks for reading!


    -Abby <3

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  • Author
    • #33986
      Alana Me

      Abby, by the way i was married for 21 plus years and have 4 daughters, 3 of which know and want to help me in anyway possible, my advice about the kids, they notice if your happy and you are there for them.

      its called unconditional love. and they will always have a way of surprising you in some way.


    • #33985
      Alana Me

      Hey Abby,

      Don’t feel bad in anyway shape or form when it comes to being happy on the inside.

      being in a relationship means that your path and their path are running close and parallel. if the angel is off a little bit, the the path will separate. just enjoy the time you spent walking side by side. life is about getting lost and being found.

      Just turned 54 and i am just now able to let my true self walk the path to happiness and with help from others, my path will not be so bumpy. and as for the rest of them, just grab a big bag of popcorn and watch the show, Karma will dance for you on them. hehehe



    • #33981
      Kirsten C

      Try to remember this one simple fact. If you aren’t happy with yourself, you’ll never be able to make someone else happy.

      we all face similar situations. I’ve lost many relationships due to my trans life. But I still have my kids in my life. They actually both live with me. And one is from a previous relationship. And we have a much much better relationship because I did what I did. I still have no idea if my wife will stay with me or not. Transitioning is a very hard experience. And it’s no easier for those closest to us. But it can work. It just takes understanding honesty and patience. Because the lies will grow. The desires will strengthen and eventually make you crazy. Find a good gender therapist and talk with them. My GT is amazing! I love her so much and she’s helped me is so many ways. Heck even my wife sees her now. It’s so important to have a way to talk through all of this with someone who actually has a clue.

      It’ll all work out how it’s supposed to eventually. Just be true to yourself and find your happiness. Only then will you be able to truly give yourself to others.

    • #33973

      Just my two cents, I am CIS (just learned that), and married for 25 years, I can absolutely tell you that you can not live a life of suppressed desires and wants. You will eventually resent your spouse. Be who you need to be and try to be delicate with the people who love you on the way.

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      • #33980

        Thank you for that, Tomas.

        That is what I’m leaning towards now.  I already feel some resentment towards my wife for not accepting anything to do with my feminine desires… I know that would only get worse with time.  There are also a number of other issues that arise out of suppression… Displaced anger, for one.  I’ve been dealing with that for a good portion of my life but am only recently realizing that it could be from these deep secrets that I’ve been hiding for so long…

        I will definitely keep this in mind when making my decision.

        Thank you for the input.  I really appreciate it.

        -Abby <3

        • #33982

          Marriage at best is a shoot in the dark. I’m not sure what age you were married, but only a few lucky individuals actually can say they know themselves completely in their twenties, especially sexually.  You grow to learn your path, and hopefully your spouses grows with you. However, it has been my experience that is not the likely case.




    • #33952

      Hi Abby. Did you realise before you got married that in your heart you wanted to be a woman? The choices are to be honest with your wife and take it on the chin or spend your life frustrated and bitter. As Cloe alluded too the latter choice could cause more pain and problems for your wife and child in the future. I  would suggest that you make the decision now for the reasons mentioned above as time will not make them any easier. Brave heart Abby and lots of love Amelia.

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      • #33954

        Thank you for the response, Amelia! I love your name! Super cute and sweet! <3

        i did not realize who I was prior to getting married. I knew I liked women’s clothes, but at the time it was only for sexual purposes. I would automatically dismiss any thoughts of transitioning. It wasn’t until recently that I started to really put thought and research into that aspect of life and start to realize who I really am. In retrospect, I really wish I would have done this self reflecting years ago. I might have realized this sooner and been able to spare my now wife and daughter the heartache of losing a husband and father… :’(

        Sorry… I’m feeling super emotional right now…


        Thank you for the feedback! <3

        keep in touch, Amelia!


        -Abby <3 <3 <3

        • #33955

          They wouldn’t lose you Abby, they could gain another wife and mother instead :grin:. I also dressed up for sexual gratification at one time but since I came out about 6 months ago it has become so much more. It’s my personal experience that the anticipated traumas in life are rarely as bad as I expect (it’s usually the unexpected ones that that can knock you). Have a serious chat with your wife  Abby (I seem to recall a forum for wives of transgender on this site) show her some of the transgender celebs on youtube. It must be difficult for her, see her point of view but ultimately you have to be who you are. More love and hugs Amelia.

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          • #33956

            Aw, Amelia. You are such a sweet heart. I love that. <3

            unfortunately I am 100% sure that my wife would not stay with me. Especially after her reaction to finding out about my cross dressing… I really have to decide between my two lives… :/

            omg, I never thought about being a wife or a mother before… 🙂 I feel like the thought of it is melting my heart though! If I do end up transitioning, I would absolutely love to get re married to another woman (trans or otherwise) and be someone’s wife! Then if we could have children (naturally or adopt) and the baby would have two moms, but I would be one of them! 😀

            I get what you’re saying though about things not always ending up as bad as anticipated. I guess I would have to hope that’s the case no matter what I decide to do.

            Ugh… I just feel so lost…

            thank you for your kind words and inspirations though!!! 🙂

            love and hugs!!!

            – Abby <3

    • #33945
      Miss Cloé

      Abby, welcome to TGH.

      I faced a similar dilemma about 25 yrs ago with a 1 yo and 5 yo.  Not having the support mechanisms of today I chose to suppress my true self.  Yes, I was able to do so and raise my children to adulthood, but I became a shell in the process.  The true me was wrapped up like a powder keg inside my hard shelled cocoon.  Once the kids were out of the house I started to re-awaken, but a series of circumstances led to the most stress I had ever faced in my life and I began to explode and worse yet at my family.  In the end it was what was necessary for me to come out and finally be happy.  It cost me a marriage and more, but what I learned was that I really wasn’t making my family happy, I was just making them stable all those years.  You can’t make someone happy of you aren’t yourself.  I implore you to keep working with your therapist to figure out the best solution in your life.  I wish I had done it so long ago.  You can PM me if you like.

      Hugs, Ambassador Cloe

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      • #33953

        Thank you for that, Cloe!

        That is exactly what I am worried about. I can’t help but think no matter what decision I make will have both positive and negative outcomes. I actually made a list of all those outcomes that I could think of and it made me realize that I’m willing to give up everything except my daughter. She’s only 9 months old now and I just love her so much! I actually cried two days in a row now at the thought of not being able to see her any more…

        I do understand that keeping this a secret will also create difficulties.  Especially considering my growing animosity towards my wife’s inability to accept and understand my feminine side whatsoever…

        its just so difficult… I am definitely continuing therapy, and it is helping me so much! I love seeing my therapist. 🙂

        thank you so much for the support though! I would love to stay in touch! 🙂


        -Abby <3 <3

        1 user thanked author for this post.
        • #33967
          Miss Cloé

          Abby, I’m always somewhere around.  You can send private messages too if you want to discuss something out of the public eye.

          1 user thanked author for this post.
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