Constant longing

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    • #129906

      I have felt the desire to be a girl ever since I first dressed up with my stepsister on Halloween as part of a dare. But I could never shake that constant longing to live as a girl, and love as a girl. I have lived these 45 years in the dark hiding my secret. Only coming out in the open for a night out. Swearing never to go back only to find myself hating myself and vowing never again to let her have place in my life. My ability to suppress her would very over the years. Reaching a point when I had to let her out or I would explode. Only to feel the shame and guilt later. But as of the last few years the ability to suppress her is waning. It is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of as I fall asleep. And all throughout the day I feel that desire to just be her. Wishing everyone knew and terrified they might. I thought perhaps the increased desire was due to a drop in testosterone levels as we get older, so I tried some testosterone boosters but I still feel that raging desire to face the world as a woman. In every aspect. Sometimes I feel like I will go mad. Or perhaps I already have been turned over to a reprobate mind.

    • #129926

      I recommend you seek a specialist, a doctor trained and specialized in dealing with the ins and outs of our community.

      Feeling one way and living another doesn’t mean you have to choose, but there are many ways to achieve your goals even if you decide for a late transition.

      The questions are:

      Do you really need to transition?
      Would you rather keep yourself in your comfort zone and live your needs (whatever they are) somehow safely?

      To me, personally, self neglect has been a very sore matter throughout my adulthood. It took me a long while to situate, understand and allow myself to anything “me”wise.

      I recommend you seek a gender positive psychologist. Open your heart and hope for the best. Do not look for regular psychologists. They’ll, more often than not, presume you to have a disease than just needing support and understanding.

      Find your local community, go out, try a few things (with tons of common sense please), and try to find yourself and your personal, real needs.

      Fantasy and fetish are easy to have and to play with, but they’ll get old really fast. Understanding your own heart will make you happy and satisfied on the other hand. Take your pick, knowing that what you need is the actual right choice.

    • #129943
      Jo Harper

      Yeah that’s so right! Me too. I’ve known since 4 years old and thought it would go away. Four decades later it gets stronger every day, the female feeling inside. It’s not going to stop so I guess that must really be me. It’s seems that it’s just social conditioning that’s made us what we think other people should see but we hide who we really are. Well, I’m struggling to hide it any longer. I am a woman inside and I cannot face the rest of this life without being her, the truth will out as they say! I’m so scared of revealing her but I think the relief of dropping the lie will compensate. I just wish I had the courage to do it.

      • #133767

        Hello Jo! You took the words right out of my mouth… I am about the same age as you seem to be, and I feel more or less the same… I hope the freedom from this secret might compensate for the trauma of letting it out…

    • #130017
      Lauren Mugnaia

      Hi Angela,

      You will reach a point where the stronger woman inside will over rule the weaker man outside. Then you have to decide which direction you can exist with. For me, there was no longer a choice, the woman inside had to be set free and now lives her life fulltime and is filled with so much joy, happiness and contentment that I wish I had transitioned long ago. I wish you well in satisfying your deep longing.


      Lauren M

      • #130023

        Hi Angela,

        I too dwell constantly on wanting to come out to the world but my wife won’t let me. She is accepting and I get to dress all the time. But even that is not enough. I go out dresses publicly a few times a month but have not had a girls day or night with the ladies yet.
        these desires do not recede. I have learned to embrace that I am transgender and do not feel guilty anymore.

        love yourself for who you are girl and let the woman inside come out!



    • #130381

      [postquote quote=129906]
      I feel the exact same way.  I once read something a therapist said that seems so true when it comes to the desire of being a female never fully going away.  She said this…..It’s like the ocean.  The tide comes in and goes back out but the water is always there.

      • #130397

        Your story echoes mine in so many ways and episodes,  the older I become the more I want to be the women that I feel I can be. My first therapy session is next week and I can’t wait. Stay strong and feel no shame. Katie

    • #130400

      I agree please try to find a very good therapist.
      I came out this time last year, and had it planned out to tell family and then friends.
      That was not the way things went.
      Everyone knew over night. But, then I didn’t have to worry about the problems anymore.
      I have been living full time for a year now. Even though I don’t fit in or pass.
      I have had very little problems with that, I have found out that was more my fear.
      Letting the Lady out to be free, has been the biggest blessing in my life.

    • #133768

      [postquote quote=129926]
      Hi there Anonymous! I really resonate with what you said about neglecting yourself in your adult life.  I feel the very same way: like I’m not programmed to ask for or pursue what *I* want… So much so that often I don’t even know what that is!  But I know I want to be en femme some of the time at least… Now what do I do about it? I am so used to not speaking up for myself that how can I find my voice now to give myself room to run and air to breathe?

      Love and sisterhood,


    • #133776

      This longing to be a woman is something many of us feel.  Counseling would be a huge help to you. You are not a bad person or a reprobate.  Your needs to be your true self is so strong at time —just let her out and find yourself.


      .   Cassie

    • #133818

      Is it age that makes me feel like I want to be a woman? I am in my mid 70’s now, and, more and more, I desire to become a woman, and be a wife to a nice, sweet, strong man! Oh, my!, will this ever happen? Sure, I could spend my time with a good therapist, but I really want to spend my time with a good man! As his woman, his Lady, his wife! I still have many years left, and am feeling more and more like a woman every day! I just want to fall into myself, put on a skirt and blouse, and simply be his wife! Isn’t there someone out there who can help me be a Lady? I love ladies, and I want to belong to a man as a Lady! Oh, maybe I am just being silly, but it is my silliness, and I kow I can make a man happy (or, at least want to try!). I know I can! Please e-mail me at [email protected] and make me the happiest woman in the world!
      Being your Woman,
      Miss Roxanne Lanyon

    • #135758

      Angela, welcome to the club.  hugs, Jill


      ps  go shopping

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