Dazed and confused, but I’m here.

  • Creator
  • #134970
    Chrissy Malloy

    Hi everyone I’m Chrissy! I have been a crossdresser all of my life and I thought that was the whole story but if I’m being honest with my self it goes much further. Since I was 12 I have yearned to be a girl. I can ignore it for awhile but the feeling never goes away. I am attracted to women but I also find myself wanting to be them. Why am I like this, I wished there were answers. I’m glad to be here to talk with others.


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  • Author
    • #135448

      Hello Chrissy,

      Please excuse me – way behind on my greetings..

      Welcome to our wonderful, accepting, loving, helpful community where you can be safe and be yourself.

      You can read about the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
      My hope is that you will become comfortable here and make many new friends.
      Glad you are here. Looking forward to seeing you on the site.
      Terri Anne, Ambassador

      ============ TGH MtF ChatRoom ============================

    • #134984
      DeeAnn Hopings


      We are glad to have you and I hope that you will enjoy being here. The transgender community is a very broad spectrum and you will likely run across just about every situation that you can image here among the members.

      What you mentioned about your situation covers so many here. And yes, it is appropriate to think of this as a journey. Haste is not your friend. There may be things to do along your journey, but there are also many things to understand and internalize. That takes time. Also, if we are 20, 30, 40 or whatever, it took that long to get to this point and for some of us even longer (including me!). Understanding our situation and what we need to do is not the work of a minute.

      I suggest 2 things that will likely be useful:

      Complete your Profile page. Responses to the questions provides a better understanding of where things sit for you and that is useful for other members. All threads will eventually sink to the bottom of the pile, but your Profile page will always be readily available and can be updated at any time if something changes.

      You can search the member database by clicking on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #134975
      Dana Munson

      Chrissy, the “why” of how you came to feel like this is still the subject of medical research. If you have questions, well, join the club. Just understand that what you feel doesn’t make you “sick” or perverted in any way; you’re just different. “Different” from what “most” other people consider “normal” – but good luck getting any solid definition of just what “normal” is! (Prisons are full of people who would basically meet any basic social definition of “normal.”) I’d suggest that, if you are in a position to afford it, that you seek out a therapist with specific experience in (trans)gender issues. He/she can help you explore your feelings and help you come to a firmer conclusion about where you fit into the gender kaleidoscope. That said . . .

      You wrote: “I am attracted to women but I also find myself wanting to be them.” Holy s**t! That describes me to a “t”! As a teenager, I had to endure the total mind-f**k of not only “wanting” a particularly attractive girl, but also simultaneously wanting to BE her, or at least like her. Whew! Tough gig for a hormonal teen male! My response to this was (ta da!) denial. Played football, joined the Army, got married, had kids, did other “guy” stuff to “convince” myself that I was a real, normal (whatever that is) guy. Yeah . . .

      Well, here I am today, writing this note here on TGH, living 24/7 as a woman, out to all my family and friends, on HRT, and floating in a sort of daily low-level euphoria. The first surgery (tracheal shave) of likely several is on the near horizon. Truth is, I lived in that denial a LONG time, trying to “bribe” myself with occasional crossdressing binges, and only recently chucked it to accept the truth about myself. Long story there.

      Good luck on your journey! There are many here on the TGH site ready to help you with whatever reasonable advice and guidance they have to offer. – Dana

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #134980

        Thank you Dana for your response. Yes “do the guy stuff “ that’s what I did, I grew up in a man’s world full of burly truck drivers , loggers , men who busted rocks for a living . It was no place to show your soft side so I did the guy stuff. Got married had a family worked a farm , drove trucks , welded steel.

        I have to wonder if I was born 40 years later would I have the courage to come out and change myself. Things  are changing fast now, I remember admiring Christian Jorgensen , she was trans when it wasn’t cool. Young people today are doing things that were unimaginable back then.
        I suspect I will live out my remaining time on this earth as I am without any significant changes but maybe I will look into counseling to help me find some peace of mind. Maybe I can find that peace of mind here at TGH by identifying with all of you and admitting that I am part of the trans community.

        2 users thanked author for this post.
        • #134988

          Chrissy, after living almost 60 years with the same feelings, I came out, had gender affirming surgery, and at 68 I am living life as the woman I wanted to be 62 years ago: Gabby Abby

          2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #134973
      Emily Alt

      Hi Chrissy. Welcome to TGH!

      I think most girls can identify with how you feel. I don’t know why I am the way I am….other than this is how my brain is wired….and has been since birth.

      My envy of girls and my drive to be one has been with me since my earliest memories. When I was younger I could ignore/repress how I felt for months or years. But it always came back. As I got older, the need to be myself got much stronger.

      My egg broke 6 years ago….after several years of thinking I was “cured”. I nearly had a breakdown. I was a mess. That’s when I got real and started this long journey. There’s been plenty of bumps in the road since. It took several more years before I accepted trans was the only label that fit. That was about 2 years ago.

      I started my transition 16 months ago. Simply put, it’s the smartest decision I ever made. I’m in a place I didn’t know existed….or was even possible.

      Every journey is unique and there’s no way to predict where yours goes. The important thing is to take that journey. The alternative is a dark place.

      Hugs, Emily

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #134982

        Hi Emily

        thank you for your response, I wonder how the brain is wired? If I were like Lucy (in the movie) and I could access 100% of my brain maybe it would become clear. The power of this compulsion does become stronger with age or least it seems so with me. So where will my journey take me, I guess I can’t be sure but I need to admit that I am transgender.

        hugs Chrissy

        2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #134972

      Hi Chrissy!

      First off thanks for sharing.  I identify with your story so much…. Not sure i can give you any answers but i can tell you that you aren’t alone.  When i used to look at a beautiful woman i thought what i was feeling was attraction.  I have since learned that what i was feeling was the desire to be beautiful like them.  I wanted to look like them, act like them, be looked at like they were, and just be a woman.  I have started to embrace this and am becoming more comfortable with it.  Hang in there…

      4 users thanked author for this post.
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