Deciding whether to transition without being passable

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #111176
    Lufia
    Participant

    Hi, everyone. I am trying to decide what to do. I am 39 years old, and have known that I was trans as far back as I can remember (even before I knew that trans people existed). I have read the experiences of many ladies on this site as they told of their experiences when they passed in public for the first time. I am currently deciding whether or not to come out, but the issue for me is that I will never be passable. I have noticed that many of the ladies that have written on this site were below average size for a genetic male, and fit within the typical size dimensions of a genetic female. I do not. I am a little under 6ft, 4in tall, and currently weigh about 230 lbs. I have a 42in chest, and though I could afford to lose about 10-15 lbs, I cannot be much smaller than I currently am. As an extra complication, I shattered my neck in a car accident when I was 18 years old. My C4 vertebrae and disk were completely destroyed, and had to be reconstructed. Through some miracle, my spinal cord was not severed, and I suffered no obvious permanent effects beyond neck pain and some minor nerve damage. Unfortunately, the resulting surgery required several plates to be inserted into my neck, and due to the location, it impacted my vocal chords. As a result, I speak with an extremely deep voice that I am unable to alter, as some of my vocal chords are unable to function due to the placement of the plates. All of this is making the decision to transition very difficult for me. Due to my size and voice, no amount of hormones or surgeries will ever make me even remotely passable as a genetic female. Though I have an intense desire to display the real me and live freely, I also know that I will never be completely free due to the aforementioned issues. At this point, I question whether transitioning will only make life more difficult for me than it already is. Are there any ladies out there going through a similar situation? Any advice?

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    Replies
    • #119288

      I am not sure that I should comment in this post. I am 5’8″ and have dropped my weight to 170. I have no curves now and my face is that thin old man face (I am 66). However I can see me in the mirror when I put on only my lipstick. I have no doubt that with practice and growing self confidence that I could pass as the woman that I know myself to be. Albeit at my age I understand that presenting age appropriately means sporting more of the grandmotherly image. And I am OK with that. In fact it excites me.

      Why then am I posting here on a question about transitioning and being passable? Because I question transitioning and fitting in socially. I am a very active church member in a very conservative church. I seriously doubt there would be any acceptance into any of the lady’s groups or ministries for me. Socially I would lose everything that I have built my male life around. So I grit my teeth and resist transitioning, growing older and more grandmotherly every day, while finding resistance waning.

      Obviously transitioning to ones authentic self is a seismatic life impacting decision. Whether it is physical size or social / familial relationships, something will be there to overcome in your journey.

      Strong confident women overcome, be they cis or trans. And I suspect strong and confident don’t just happen. Such character develops in the journey.

      Keep journeying. In the future you will know what’s right and therefore possible for you, even if passable is not.

      Blessings,

      Charlene

    • #119120

      This might not help, but it might. IDK. Anyway. Today I went to the Goodwill and spent about an hour looking at women’s shirts. I’ve only been out about 2 months and so I had a bit of the old “everyone is staring at me even if I can see them living their lives oblivious to my existence” feeling. It didn’t stop me from buying some cute tops and putting my amazing fashion sense to good use. Seriously, before I realized anything about my gender my ex-wife knew I knew women’s fashion and would have me dress her. Anyway, on the way home I was decompressing from the bit of inconsequential stress it had caused and I realized something. I’d rather live as a less attractive woman then a man under any condition…because I’m not one. Not to say you shouldn’t care about passing…care as much as you want to…but the point is: I’m going to do what I can to pass and be comfortable being me instead of pretending to be a man and feeling like a liar. Who cares what people think as long as they’re not actively being a prick.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #119137

        Also, something I’ve noticed after coming out: people will always respond so much netter when you’re owning and projecting your true honest self. I got along as male, but in the 2 months since I’ve been out I’ve had more real connections with people than in the 39 years leading up to coming out. If you’re comfortable with who you are it puts people at ease and lets them know you’re not afraid to be vulnerable on some level. It’s amazing. Never would I have ever guessed that just being honest with myself would change everything about how I interact with the world…for the better.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
        • #119141
          DeeAnn Hopings
          AMBASSADOR

          Being proactive demonstrates your commitment to doing what you need to do. Equally as important, I think, is that you get to tell your story, your way…

    • #119089

      i am 6 foot tall. i wear 3 inch heels as often as i can. maybe in a way i can relate to your height. i recently learned something i had not seen all my life. cis women are critical of every other one out their for personal reasons that vary so much it would be hard to state them. there is one thing i heard early in my openness. women i knew questioned why i would voluntarily take on the dragon. that one thing, seen by women who know from experience, will give you strength in many eyes. it can also, in some cases, bring you acceptance.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #112579

      I’ve been wondering the same thing myself. I feel some day I am not going to care what others think about how I look. Even cis girls deal with this daily. Looks are over rated. It should he how you feel not how others perceive you.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #111303

      Lufia,

      I am 39 as well and admire your conviction.  I think we all have different circumstances and completely agree that there will be a wide range of opinions.  I have a cousin who is a cis woman who is 6’3″ or 6’4″ and she has no other choice but to love herself, as they are her genes…So my suggestion would be to love thyself, and do what makes you happy.  I am in the process of atruly accepting myself and have the weight of a family to consider.

      Take care and wish you the best,

      Steph

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #111227
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      I think it comes down to how badly do you need to live your truth. That would be a different proposition for all of us. I suspect the answers for us as a group would range from Absolutely, to Yes to Maybe and all points in between…

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #111185
      Kim E.
      FREE

      Lufia,

      I can relate!

      I am not nearly so tall but very stocky, fat and muscular and I’m very self-conscious about how deep my voice is.

      I have no idea if I’ll ever be remotely passable but coming out for me changed my life profoundly. Accepting and loving myself and living an authentic life has given me back my future.

      It may not make life easy but it can be very good!! Whatever you choose to do please be good to yourself!!!

      Cheers!

      Kim in Calgary

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #111184

      Hi Lufia, A lot of the people that know me at TGH know I hate the word (passing), girl’s, women come in all different shape and sizes and for your voice, for my voice it isn’t very feminine, I don’t care.
      I came out full blast 9 mo. ago and people are very respectable and treat me and address me as a woman, I
      I’m 5’9″ 215 lb I am a remodeling contractor for a living so that is the kind of body build I have.
      I wear very feminine clothing all the time, in every since of my life I am a woman.
      If you choose to come out full time, you will loose things and people in your life and that has nothing to do with how you look.
      With much respect and love
      timmie

      3 users thanked author for this post.
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