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I really wasn’t going to write about this. But my heart hurts terribly and my mind is only half functioning at this point. It’s been a few months and my wife is still struggling mightily. I knew she would – it’s the nature of her and it’s the nature of what our relationship has been. 30 years of marriage. 30 wonderful, incredible years. We had a conversation tonight. She cried. She’s been doing that a lot. I think I can count on one hand the number of times she has cried in the course of our marriage other than tears of joy. It’s really just not her nature. She has expressed that she loves me so deeply and I know this is contributing to the pain and sorrow she is experiencing and the tears that she is shedding. In all out marriage I’ve never seen her like this. And we have shared the most intimate things at times.
She is a very strong woman but I fear at this point she is close to broken. To make matters worse we are about 500 miles apart, she in North Carolina and I in Florida. I moved down to Florida for a while to be with my aging parents who need somebody to be with them most of the time. She said she just can’t take having me around and it was good that we were apart. She just couldn’t stand living with Abby.
She says she does not want to leave me. Right now things are the way they are. I feel like that by coming out to her I’ve done terrible terrible damage to a woman who does not deserve such things, to a woman who ought to be on a pedestal.
I am breaking at the sight of her crying. We FaceTime. I am breaking bad to worse that she expresses the things she says because along with the tears I see how deeply deeply close to broken she is. And to think that I have afflicted that pain on her by coming out is breaking me something awful. It is almost unbearable. I too am a strong woman but to see loved ones in pain and think that I had anything to do with it is almost more than I can bear. It is so against my nature to do that. The pain it is inflicting on me in this moment I wish would go away. I don’t know what to do. I try to be supportive toward her to listen and make sure she understands that I care, that I am so sad inside when I see her like that. Not that she shouldn’t be, just that I cry inside. Unfortunately, having been raised as a man I have no tears to give. I wish I did. I wish I could just cry and cry and cry until I’ve made a river with my tears. The catharsis from that would do me some kind of good I’m sure. It would give me some kind of relief. I really just wish I could cry. I’m crying inside. I’m almost dying inside. What did I do? what do I do? 😭
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