Deep pain – breaking person.

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    Topic
  • #124860
    Abby Scott
    Participant

    I really wasn’t going to write about this. But my heart hurts terribly and my mind is only half functioning at this point. It’s been a few months and my wife is still struggling mightily. I knew she would – it’s the nature of her and it’s the nature of what our relationship has been. 30 years of marriage. 30 wonderful, incredible years. We had a conversation tonight. She cried. She’s been doing that a lot. I think I can count on one hand the number of times she has cried in the course of our marriage other than tears of joy. It’s really just not her nature. She has expressed that she loves me so deeply and I know this is contributing to the pain and sorrow she is experiencing and the tears that she is shedding. In all out marriage I’ve never seen her like this. And we have shared the most intimate things at times.
    She is a very strong woman but I fear at this point she is close to broken. To make matters worse we are about 500 miles apart, she in North Carolina and I in Florida. I moved down to Florida for a while to be with my aging parents who need somebody to be with them most of the time. She said she just can’t take having me around and it was good that we were apart. She just couldn’t stand living with Abby.
    She says she does not want to leave me. Right now things are the way they are. I feel like that by coming out to her I’ve done terrible terrible damage to a woman who does not deserve such things, to a woman who ought to be on a pedestal.
    I am breaking at the sight of her crying. We FaceTime. I am breaking bad to worse that she expresses the things she says because along with the tears I see how deeply deeply close to broken she is. And to think that I have afflicted that pain on her by coming out is breaking me something awful. It is almost unbearable. I too am a strong woman but to see loved ones in pain and think that I had anything to do with it is almost more than I can bear. It is so against my nature to do that. The pain it is inflicting on me in this moment I wish would go away. I don’t know what to do. I try to be supportive toward her to listen and make sure she understands that I care, that I am so sad inside when I see her like that. Not that she shouldn’t be, just that I cry inside. Unfortunately, having been raised as a man I have no tears to give. I wish I did. I wish I could just cry and cry and cry until I’ve made a river with my tears. The catharsis from that would do me some kind of good I’m sure. It would give me some kind of relief. I really just wish I could cry. I’m crying inside. I’m almost dying inside. What did I do? what do I do? 😭

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    • #125899
      Brielle
      SILVER

      Hi Abby, how are things going for you? I hope it is getting better!!

      Hugs,

      Brie

      • #125904

        Things are improving. We FT just about every night. It has helped keep the lines of communication open. She has been more positive to a degree. She asked about HRT. She is waiting to schedule an appt with her counselor. We’ll see what that brings. I still hurt from the hurt I’ve caused. But a little bit less. Thanks for asking Brielle.

        Abby
        🤗🙆‍♀️

        • #125923
          Brielle
          SILVER

          Yes, it’s a problem. Our couple counselor said yesterday that we have to watch how much guilt we allow in our minds. It doesn’t help solve the problems after a while. Some healthy guilt is good I suppose – it proves we aren’t sociopaths (giggle)!

          I’m glad your wife will FT with you. WHen she brings up HRT, just be honest with her. If you’re not sure, say so. If you are, tell her it is essential to your mental and emotional health. I’m sure deep down she just wants what’s best for you. Make sure you have good counsel from a professional so you fully understand and accept what that is. I also agree in large part with Miriya’s comments here. Being far apart won’t help things, except in the short term it does give your wife safe space and time to figure out what she really needs as well. My wife wanted us to have separate bedrooms for her sake, and it’s not been ideal, but it’s not as bad as I thought. If she does come down to Florida, and you can arrange it, offer her separate space so she can adjust.

          Good luck, and keep us posted! We care!!!

          Hugs,

          Brie

          • #125926

            Thanks Brie. You and Miriya both make good points. I’ve actually been working on a couple of the things you guys mentioned. When my wife asked about HRT I was straight up and told her I was probably about 90 or 95% sure that I wanted to do it but I’m not 100% of the way yet.
            I have a wonderful, wonderful counselor who almost exclusively works with the transgender community and in fact identifies as a lesbian and lives with a transwoman. She has lots of trans female clients. It has been wonderful to work with her. We’ve discussed HRT and what it does and doesn’t do for you, drawbacks, etc. Having said that she said she would have no problem with writing a letter for me saying that it is a medical necessity for me to get it.
            My wife is coming down for a week in March for a visit. I’d already suggested that I could sleep in another room and she take the bed but she was adamant that she wanted to share the bed with me. So I would say that’s some sort of progress. She has even said things that have suggested that she might want to be intimate again. I guess we’ll see.
            I think your thoughts on us being separate giving her safe space and time are right on the money. I think it has given her the ability to just think about things and consider which way she wants/needs to go with our relationship. As I said she has said many times that she is absolutely committed to our marriage, that our vows are sacred and that she would never break them. But I think that she is trying like I an to figure out just exactly what that relationship is going to look like now. I think that one’s gonna take time. I think we’re both trying to reestablish our footing having slid halfway down a very big mountain. It’ll take time to climb back up.
            Abby

            🤗💕🙆‍♀️

          • #125934
            Brielle
            SILVER

            Aww, that sounds very promising! I’m so happy for you!!

            1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #124994

      Abby, am am truly sorry for you as I know your pain and your wife’s.  This is not going to be pleasant. “Not all problems have a solution, only the young think they do.” And you are 100% right, your gender is hurting the person you love. I wish it were not so, you your self need to make a decision, who is more important? Parents or wife? Distance is only going to make it worse, either move your wife down with you or go home and be part of the healing. And healing won’t be easy, it is going to bring many many more tears, it is going to most likely take the rest of yours and you wife’s life. Also as others suggested get outside help if you can, councilors or therapist or dam good bar tender and I am not talking about your gender councilor, you need a marriage one who understands and has experience with similar situations as your own, with positive results. And do not ask Abby, I have no clue where to find that person, I at least never found them. Take each day at a time and always work for the best loving solution between the two of you.

       

      Miriya

      Ps. If you like to read get Helen Boyds 2nd book, “She’s not the Man I Married”. The book shows your situation at least similar one from the wife’s point of view.

       

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    • #124899
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Abby:

      Many here have faced the same issue. Unfortunately the outcomes are all over the place. I think that is understandable. Our partners cover a broad range of thoughts, beliefs and understanding regarding the ideas of sexuality, gender identity and marriage. Sadly, while some can go the distance, others cannot. I guess for some there are very particular limits as to how much they can adapt and adjust. While we may be unhappy about how things may turn out, I don’t think it would be right to blame our partners. After all, when someone transitions it is a MAJOR and everlasting change in how life goes forward.

      A number of other members have utilized a therapist to help them sort through what needs to happen. It is not unusual for partners to also see a therapist; sometimes individually and sometimes in conjunction with their transgender partner. It is important to find someone with experience in gender issues as not everyone has this background…

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    • #124898

      Dear Ms. Scott … Abby, I’m so glad you did write, putting it all out there for your adopted sisters and brothers. You took a giant step forward this way. I feel honored that you did this. Talking 1:1 with a psychotherapist and/or a psychiatrist will never hold a candle to sharing with those who are irrefutably your closest peers. …. People change, grow and evolve. That which was endurable at some earlier point(s) in time can becomes supremely unendurable. A cardinal point to think on is one is not responsible for another’s emotions and feelings. She feels as she does from within her own psyche, and for her own reasons. Yes, the status quo was broken, but you wanted the status quo to continue to evolve, yes? …. Perhaps you might spend time in N.C. nearby to the missus, to be accessible, to be closer than FaceTime? To let her see you’re the same person toward her, and to all you love and hold dear? To give her opportunity to relax some measure(s) her intrangience? To let her feel and realize she remains balanced atop pedestal? …. Abby, the cause ain’t lost yet.

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      • #124902

        Thank you Eva. That is so encouraging. I really appreciate it.

        Abby ❤️🤗🙆‍♀️

        • #125490

          Abby I couldn’t reply to the main text so I’m doing it here. I have no idea what to say, because I have never dealt with such a thing. My fiancé left me for meth after 14yrs, and I only have a GF…But I wanted to say that I love you. I think you’re a strong, amazing woman. I’m not sure I could stand up through what you’re going through and I hope one day I can be as strong as you. You have all my love and respect girl. 💋

          💕- Jessi

          1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #125492

            Thank you Jessi. Your post actually did come through but in the middle of the other posts so go figure.

            Your support and love mean so much. I am sorry my about your fiancé. It must be terribly hard for him to have left you like that way.

            Anyway, things have improved a little. Not sure where they’ll go. I think the shock is lifting. Still not a good situation though. Thanks for your response. It means so much.
            Abby.

            1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #125505

            Thank you too Abby. Sometimes I seem like I’m trying to be smart and I’m really not. I’m working on how I communicate, but please don’t think that in this case. I just wanted to clarify. I’m a Trans-Girl/Les… Lol, I want NOTHING to do with penis.. Not mine, not any others… And again I thank you so much for your comment. Just know everything is as it should be at this moment. I fully believe God is in control. He’s got something awesome for you girl. And your wife…I know it. 💕

    • #124873

      Abby, I feel your pain.  My spouse and I have felt many of the same emotions as you and yours.  Our relationship was faltering and it finally got to the point that coming out was more important to my mental health than continuing a dysfunctional marriage.  It wasn’t courage, it was desperation.  To my astonishment, she did not reject me and we began a long, hard, and painful journey to a new relationship.  She is an incredibly strong woman!  Our love has so far proved stronger than her loss of her husband.  Our relationship is still a work in progress, but I am very, very hopeful that we will make it.  It’s not the same relationship, but in many ways it is better because I am able to be fully honest about everything now.

      Hang in there.  Couples counseling is very important in addition to individual counseling for both of you.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #124875

        Thank you for such encouraging words Diedra. They are so good to read. ❤️🙆‍♀️

    • #124869

      Hi Abby.   I can relate to you situation.   For 19 years I had a wife who knew and understood and participated in my being Elayne  . I lost her to cancer in 1999.  From  1999 to 2012 I lived alone  dressed and had my femme time.  My  two daughters never knew and still don’t know . I was living in Reno NV then alone in an apartment.  I actually tried to transition but had a bad reaction to the HRT. and had to stop.  Im 2012 I was in a violent car crash .  8 moths of rehab.  during that time I met  a wonderful woman who helped me with my rehab. Moved in with my and we married in  2016.  She does not know. and I  wont tell her because of the exact same thing your having a problem with.  .

      The stats are against you. Sad to say but true.  Of all the  CD. TV s i have knows very very few who tell their wives  have a successful relation  ship afterwards.   Women are challenged by other women in their lives and more so when the woman is the man they love.  They go through  What did I do wrong to cause this or can’t  O h my GOD why Me .  among other things.   Embarasment of being out in public with you HUSBAND !! who is  now a WOMAN !!    While we have progressed in the LBGT Community  it still Stigma TO MANY who believe in traditional man and wife.  If you fell that your a complete woman then my suggestion is to end things.  Dont try to change things in you wife’s eyes  .. because you can’t!!    The other option is to compromise .  When you can dress, where you can dress, . Being a man  when you are with her  and other times the woman that is inside you .  You may not be able to live like that but that may be how you have to do it.  .  Gender ident Council ing  may be able to assist you also but it cost money to do so.     You made a decision to marry her being a MAN . that agreement is broker because their is another women in you relationship   YOU.   You are behind the  8 ball and between a rock and a hard place.  But you will have to make a decision…  Come to a compromise or  move on with out her..  Sorry but that  is the harsh reality of the situation.  Wish you good luck

       

      Elayne  Edwards

       

       

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    • #124868
      Brielle
      SILVER

      Hi Abby, we are all saddened by what has happened. I revealed my femme side to my iwfe of 40 years last July. We are still in the same place, but she doesn’t feel like she wants to get to know Brielle except as a roommate. It will be like starting over, except Brielle will be trying to date her and not her husband.

      I hope we both can find a way to reach our wives. I know the pain of separation, evn if it isn’t physical. My heart breaks for you since not only are you struggling with your wife, but dealing with your parents’ care as well. Know that you needed to come out to your wife for your own health and sanity. I’ve had second thoughts many times these last few months, but it’s better to be honest with someone than to decieve them with what you think they want to see. It’s incredibly hard, but she must know that this is vital to your person and you wouldn’t do this on a whim.

      I hope you can work things out and forge a new relationship with your wife – as I do with mine!

      Hugs,

      Brielle

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      • #124888

        When I opened up to a friend recently and admitted that it was an aspect of life that has almost exclusively has been private, she reacted with surprise, saying “but it’s you!”  Yes it is.  As I listened to my girl-friend I couldn’t help but notice that along with the tacit acceptance came confusion about the wall behind which I sought refuge.   I think few understand the social calculus we must become so proficient in.  And the danger to the lives we’ve built that can pose.  If only we lived in a world that understood how vital to us the need to align our inner selves with the image we see in the mirror is. Aside from the occasional dress up play,  most of my girlfriends had no idea.  My now ex wife could never ever know.  I have a cis female partner who says she accepts that aspect of me.  It breaks my heart to read stories as this.  Life is the greatest gift we all have, why shouldn’t we live it as who we are?

         

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        • #125898
          Brielle
          SILVER

          Hi Jackie, I just saw your reply here and have to say how much it warmed my heart! The response “but it’s you!” is what I wish every trans person and CD could hear from their friends and loved ones.

          Thnak you for sharing with uS!

          Hugs,

          Brie

        • #124889

          Thank you so much Jackie. “But it’s you.” Sometimes that’s hard to keep in focus but it seems I manage to. Your words are very helpful. 🤗🙆‍♀️

    • #124861
      Michelle Lawson
      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Abby, irrespective of what you did, or how this all plays out, to do what you did took a mountains of guts. There is probably no easy fix for what you two are going through. Though I do think that some counseling might help; for either of you, or both of you. My best wishes for you and your wife going forward. Michelle

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #124867

        Thank you Michelle. I’ve had a counselor for several months now.

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