- April 2, 2019 at 11:03 am #33213Miriya ParisParticipant
I was driving the long commute to work yesterday and I had one of those fits of depression, you all know the ones that make you want to swerve and go over the mountain edge. Anyway in an attempt to put it to paper and let it go, I wrote this. Not sure if I need encouragement or just validation, but here it is.
I have a lovely photo on my phone that goes with this but I have no clue how to attach it.
Like a child behind her mother’s skirt,
I just peek out.
I know I should be strong,
I can not,
for all I see scares me.
I am scared.
I stand in the abyss and am reduced to tears,
nothing before me,
behind me I do not like.
All that I am just moves along,
doomed to trudge a thousand years long.
I am scared.
My family will all leave me for what I am,
no loved ones.
Like dying but living,
all is ashes and dust,
blowing in the wind soon to be gone.
I am scared.
I tremble like a frozen flower in the morning dawn,
I am scared to be scared.
The hot sun burns me all day long,
I am scared even to be strong.
I am sacred.
My life will be short,
my body unclean,
I have soiled my self so,
that my soul will be doomed to repeat for eternity.
I am scared.
I look in the mirror and all I can see,
is nothing, not even me.
What I look like I have no clue,
but I wish I could see me as I should.
I am scared.
In the end I ask my self many things,
but all I hear is,
“Is it okay?”
I am scared!
- January 4, 2021 at 4:25 pm #92347AutumnFREE
Hi, Miriya. Thank you for sharing your poem. I also have my own fits of depression, where I fantasize about suicide, think about pulling in front of an oncoming train, things like that. But what really got my attention is when you mentioned how people would turn against you because of who you really are. For being yourself. When these kinds of thoughts pop into my mind, I often think of the song, “Friends will be Friends,” by Queen, and it reminds me that real friends are the people you can be who you really are around. You can share your real feelings around friends and they won’t cancel you. Anyone who doesn’t know the real you isn’t really a friend. Looking back on my life, I realized that I’ve never had any real friends because I’ve never shared who I really am inside my heart with anyone, not a single member of my family, not even my ex-wife. The person I really want to be full time. Her name is Autumn, and I love her, what she symbolizes, with all my heart.
But now I’m starting to make friends. Real friends. On this site and another site I’m a member of where members help each other with depression and suicidal thoughts. Members of these sites encourage people to be themselves. It’s not just acceptance, they embrace who you really are. And that’s made me feel better than I have in a long time. I’ve found places where I feel welcome, where I feel I belong. “Outside the dawn is breaking, but inside in the dark I’m naked to be free.” Another Queen song, “The Show must go On.” I think of that line a lot. This site is one of the places where I can be free. And I’m so thankful for that that.
Anyway, thank you again for sharing your poem. Big Hug.
- January 4, 2021 at 12:45 pm #92344Boyce CoeSILVER
I know I commented on your poem already, but I did not say what I wanted to say about your depression. I used to be a mental health therapist, and I was one for quite sometime…until I too became extremely severely depressed (I’ve save you my sob story). One thing I learned from both my experience as a licensed mental health therapist and my experience of horrific depression is this: there is a huge difference between observing it and experiencing it. I say this, because if you are seeing a mental health professional…don’t be afraid to ask them if they have ever experienced depression. If they him-haw around or try to say that answering that question would cross the boundaries or the client-therapist relationship and have a distant or traditionally clinical response, then my advice is to consider finding a different therapist.
A good therapist, regardless if they have experienced depression previously, should be able to sympathize with you and your experience of depression, on a human level, through their own experiences of suffering. For me, the best provider that I have ever worked with, even in my darkest times, carried a sense of hope with his sympathy, and it was his sense of hope that connected with the inert hope that was buried deep within my own sense of hopelessness, and at the time I hated any concept of a higher power. He was literally my only source. The hope he offered was not in his words, but in his actions and his interactions with me. His actions also helped me feel my life had a sense of worth to someone, and not because he was paid to care. He allowed his own humanity to connect with mine; he was a person before he was a doctor. If I forgot to take my hair ties out before ECT, he would lovingly smile at me, and tell me he would take it out for me. He took his time with me and to hear me, he was not worried about his next patient until we were done talking and he left my room. It was the little things, not just big things. I hope that you have or can have someone in your life (friend, professional, or loved one) with whom you too can have experiences similar to these where, through their actions and interactions with you, you too can find a sense of hope and worth and value in life again, even just a little, within whatever depths of hopelessness, worthlessness, and feelings of aloneness that you may be experiencing.
- January 4, 2021 at 11:13 am #92339PippaFREE
Yes depression is something that comes usually with us, I am taking pills against it for plenty of years, really I am not sure they make me something. I think most of us share similar experiences, but the only peace, real peace , is when I allowed my true interior to take control, and be myself. Then colors, perceptions, everything becomes so beautiful and relax.
- January 4, 2021 at 10:50 am #92338
- December 6, 2020 at 8:10 pm #91389DeeAnn HopingsAMBASSADOR
Whatever we might say about what you wrote is transcended by what it did for you. You’re familiar with the phrase “money burning a hole in your pocket”? Often that is how writing comes to me. I have to get those work OUT!! There is something internal that drives this. Whatever it is, external comments seem to be irrelevant.
So, the significant thing is forming your thoughts such that you could express them. It is YOUR truth. Anything that we would say makes no difference…
- September 17, 2020 at 8:38 am #88856LeslieAnneFREE
Mariya , hi , i’ve suffered very deep depression early on , i have even considered harming myself and have came very close sometime back . I keep a dairy now and write my feelings down , i tell myself to always write it down and then read it , before i act on anything . This keeps me safe and helps me deal with life’s set backs , i would like to have things done to my body , fem things , but realize with this virus and all the horrible things going on and my age it probably will not happen . I guess we just have to play the hand we’ve been dealt . I get a lot of help from the sweet ladies here and am very thankful for them i hope you do also , we all know your pain as its said , and we’re ready to listen . Leslie
- August 11, 2020 at 6:25 am #87695J KeiperFREE
Thank you for sharing this
i struggle with depression too, and I feel like you do, some days are just harder than others
I always remember the advice given to us by flight attendants, that in order to help others, you have to help yourself first. When the masks drop down, put your mask on first, then assist others. Whenever I struggle to allow myself time for self care, I remind myself of that, and take the time to put my mask on first. Maybe that can help you too.
- December 5, 2019 at 7:07 pm #53681Angela RamirezFREE
I understand being, sad, depressed, and scared. Especially scared. I teared up reading your poem. I’m new here and its difficult for me to write my thoughts down. I’ve read some of your posts and responses and think you are a very nice and thoughtful lady. Dont change. A lot of this is new to me as I recently started accepting myself, I dont have a lot of advice but I am a good listener and I’m always willing to help.
- September 22, 2019 at 2:28 pm #52414Lucinda HawkinsFREE
not sure if this fits in the category, but i suffer with depression and anxiety, and panic attacks. take a pill for panic attacks but some times it seems to not work, for i still get them. when i dress up i feel better and panic attack is not there! gee is it because i don’t dress up more then i should be doing? i take one day at a time and do things i love to do while i am on this earth. i am medically retired from open heart surgery. have been since 2011. 8 years now and still here and seeing Dr on a regular basis. but with my panic attacks i just breath in and hold and blow out slowly. i deal with acid reflex also. but i do believe for me dressing up is a relaxer for me with out a pill, helps me be human, happy and relaxed. i also lost my mom and dad in 2013 68 days apart from each other but i have learned to deal with that to a point. i write on the web site of the place where they were shown, called weeks funnel home. i write on the post of each mom and dad on certain holidays and it seems to help. well that’s my side of my short history of depression and why i x dress
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- October 13, 2019 at 6:16 am #52731
yea hun there is a difference when dressed. I suffered most of my life with Social anxiety was very quiet and shy and actually had pain when I had to talk to others. When I started dressing full time as a woman I have noticed that I can talk without pain and hace actually become a chatty Cathy at times.
- October 13, 2019 at 10:53 am #52739
That is quite amazing, Misty. Finding yourself, in a very real sense.
- April 18, 2019 at 12:25 pm #33555
Thanks Misty, a hug always help… I’ve got the Major Depressive Disorder, like youself, and PTSD from a car accident, though I feel the effects a lot less these days.
And you’ve already helped by understanding. Thanks 🙂
- April 18, 2019 at 12:17 pm #33554
Nice poetry and words all. I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome so can relate to bad feelings and bad times. Though I wish I could offer encouragement, I dont really have any but will offer you all hugs
- April 18, 2019 at 8:36 am #33545
- April 18, 2019 at 4:29 am #33527
I had to put pen to paper so to speak, and I’m hoping this is the place to do it. I’ve had to cut a long time friend out of my life recently, we’ve been friends for over 30 years but I can’t take him anymore.At the same time, our band has gone from Hiatus to the point where it feels like it’s falling apart. No one shows up, no one calls, no one is doing anything on our project.I don’t know if it’s the weather, the rainy days and the overcast, but I find myself thinking about all the people who I’ve lost to cancer recently…. I have to face the fact I’m in a funk. I’m trying to keep up on my guitar and going to the gym twice a week, but I’m running out of energy. I’m not sleeping well, and I have no doubt that’s not helping.I find myself thinking, what the heck am I doing with my life? Does anyone else have these times?Stephanie
- April 18, 2019 at 5:17 am #33529
Hmmm… Just saw your msg pop up in my email Stephanie. As much as you are not sure if this is the right spot I am not sure if I am qualified to respond. Crying out is okay, that is partially what this place is for. And as people have done for me I will try and help in turn. I would love to tell you a bunch of nice words and pretty words like it will all be good, you are strong and the such. But those things are in you, for you, and only you can ultimately tell you those things. However I can show you a little trick to help. It is called the Secret Smile.
Find a relaxing spot.
Close your eyes. (Once you have read all the steps of course)
Do those deep breathes all the meditation folk talk about.
Empty your mind of problems. (As best as you can)
Imagine you are in your happy place.
(Here is the secret)
Now, imagine and feel a relaxingness slowly flow up from your feet, up your legs, butt up the spine, as it reaches your arms it flows into them filling them with relaxation. Up to your head and then back down to you tummy, where you store it in a big swirling ball. Do this filling up of relaxation in your body at least 3 times. Each time getting more and more relaxed, feeling heavy with the feeling.
Now try and remember a time when you were most happy. I mean so happy you fell over with laughter, and could not stop. Take that feeling and do the same as relaxation. Fill your self up 3 times and store in your belly.
Here is the next part, remember a time when you felt super confident. You just won the game or saved the day. Got that 110% on a test for school, played the perfect set. Do the same fill you self up from toes to head then tummy. 3 times of course.
Lastly, rememberer a time of organism, right at the moment of ecstasy, your body filled with the mind blowing rapture. Fill your self up again with the feeling 3 times.
Mix all of those feelings in your tummy. Twirl them around some let them flow back out and fill you up some more. Above all if you are not already, SMILE.
This is what I call the secret smile. It should make you feel like that sexy cool confident person we have all seen before. Guess what that person is you. All you have to do is, smile. 😊😃😁
- April 14, 2019 at 2:45 pm #33454Anonymous
Your spirit and sole have much to do. Taking care of the beauty that is you You feel all dark and empty inside The truth is, you’ve simply lost your stride
Your sisters are reading your words of despair. Miriya please listen the world really does care. They beat you down and and make you feel so low. To fill the emptiness of their status quo.
Simply two steps forward and only one back. Before you know it your down the track. Let your good make you smile and bad make you strong The whole world is listening baby so you go on and sing your song.
I shared your discomfort in my past and decided to do something about it. Now I want to say first not me or anyone can or should tell you what to do. Listen to how we dealt/deal with our people of the planet “Hippocrates”
I took the power my family had over me away.
First I changed my name, Last name too. I told myself My life, world, and my name. Second I went on their social site and explained why.
Third I changed my phone # and let them know that it was a privilege to have it as well as to know the real and new me and then stood back and watched. As I went on with life something strange happened. (There kids wanted in), and their friends, their face book numbers went down so they now make excuses as to why they are no longer on line. Miriya, there are 10 Xs more good people in the world than bad and if you let them, Both your inner and outer beauty will attract them an before you know it your life will become full and your next decisions in life will be YOUR choice of friends. (Choose wisely baby). Miriya waking up next to your best friends’ husband or taking a big chance and failing is what people like us feel bad about. Not Bully’s and Bigots. Give your life a chance before you start feeling bad about it.
Much LUV and KiZZeZ baby Tracee Daniels
- April 14, 2019 at 7:35 pm #33457
Tracee, Thank you ever so much for the kind words. I enjoyed the poem. It seems to me depression comes in waves. Fear should not rule my life, neither should pure logic, but I am human so they do. Most of mine were named in my verse. On the other note, I am reminded by an old Star Trek quote, “The good of the many out way the good of the few or one.”. Who am I to think my pain is any greater then an others? I try real hard to do right by people, and if my enjoyment cause pain, why not suffer for their enjoyment. Of course I know the argument against what I just said. Sometimes you have to be selfish. Balance is the key, that I am not right now. Hence the verse.
- April 14, 2019 at 10:54 am #33450
That was beautiful. I have the same type of feelings at times and I’ve often wondered if it is a result of not being able to fully feel like woman. I can really empathize with how you feel and will be here if you need to chat or even vent. You can always come here for validation.
- April 13, 2019 at 5:26 pm #33441Anonymous
Depression is a weird thing; I think. I say ‘I think’ because I’m not a medical professional. Anyway, because of the way I think; I think, and plan, and think, and plan (you get the picture), and then one day, the switch gets flipped, and I just go an execute my plan. I’ve been that way all my life, and I’ve been pretty successful. And then one day, I flipped the switch to get ‘Michelle’ rev’d up and going. And then the depressing things happened. No, not about actually becoming ‘Michelle’, as in fully and completely. But in the ‘having to wait on the medical profession’ depression. For heaven’s sake, no one knows me better than I do. I’m an engineer, and I have noddle this thing six ways from Sunday. So let’s get a move on it “medical folks’; it’s very simple. I want these two things removed, I want these two things ‘enhanced’, I want all of this stubbly mess gone, etc. The having to wait to get it all done seems to be the depressing part. Once I have attained my goal, I will be one happy little clam. Okay, thanks for listening. Hugs to all, Michelle
- April 10, 2019 at 11:29 am #33363
Miriya, I also struggle with depression at times. I highly recommend B12 shots, and for myself, 5-HTP has been of great value in the past. It is the pre-cursor of serotonin, the feel good chemical in our brains. A naturopath could guide you better.
Best of luck, you are not alone.
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- April 10, 2019 at 10:51 am #33362
“I am scared even to be strong. I am sacred. My life will be short…”
A typo, I realized…. I expected an overturn of the theme where you become empowered. A re-write in a better frame of mind, I would find most interesting.
You have a gift for the written word, btw.
- April 10, 2019 at 6:50 pm #33372
Thank you so much Stephanie 😊, not sure if I call it a gift of words maybe one for gab or fits of emotion.
Actually I edited it right after posting. But I do not have the privilege to edit the forums so the other version is saved elsewhere.
- April 10, 2019 at 6:58 pm #33373
- April 4, 2019 at 11:54 pm #33277Miss CloéMANAGING AMBASSADOR
There is beauty in your words for revealing the pain inside. You are loved without condition by us here. We understand the angst of loss and rejection. You stared this journey to be your authentic self. Embracing that is harder than one can imagine, but it is oh so necessary. You are you and no one nor anything can change that. Don’t let depression define and control you, but better yet just know – You are Mariya and you have so much to live for. I and the other moderators are here to talk to if you need a shoulder to lean on.
Hugs, Managing Ambassador Cloe
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