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Hi. I’m very much in the closet. Not just because of what others would think about me, but because I am not sure myself. At times, I’m sure I what to transition, and will feel like that for weeks/months. Other times I’m content to live as a male. But the want to transition always comes back.
I think I need to explore me feminine side more, starting off small, baby steps. I’ve cross-dressed around home when I was alone, gone for drives, walks downtown, but that’s been it. No real social interaction with other people, aside from passing them on the street.
I’m not going to get into too much intimate detail as this isn’t the place for it, but about a year ago, my partner basically dropped a suggestion that I cross-dress in the bedroom, though at the time I was in “I want to be a man mode”, and passed on the suggestion. Also when I shaved off all my body-hair, she asked me if I was trying to be more feminine. I didn’t answer, but she left it at that and didn’t give me any grief about it. And this is hard to put into words without getting graphic, but when we are intimate, she often caresses me more as if I was a female than a male, if that makes sense.
Anyhow, I was folding the laundry, and noticed a bralette that I’d never seen before, unusual for her because she only wears push up bras and sport’s bras. I asked if it was hers, and she said yes. So I folded it up and left it on her dresser. When I crawled into bed, and turned down the comforter, I saw that it had been placed under my pillow. I don’t see how it would accidentally end up there, or why it would be placed under my pillow? So is this a hint, or am I reading too much into it?
My partner is quite open-minded, so I know she wouldn’t end the relationship If I brought it up. I’m confident the absolute worst case scenario with her would simply be she couldn’t share this with me.
So any suggestions on how I should talk to her about it?
Thanks,
MarisaFor me I would ask her about it , and the reason why she did that .
Open communication is key back with being honest with each other . She sounds to be very supportive towards you which is a plus , not many off us will have that but that’s not here or there . We tend to overanalyze the small things and that can in turn lead so in a crazy loop trying to figure things out .
Feels like she is perhaps encouraging you more to explore and have a better understanding of yourself .
Alexis
Wow, Marisa, it looks like your wife is telling you she understands and wants to explore things with you, but respects you enough not to confront you. The only way to know for sure is to talk to her openly. Who knows, you may have the rare spouse that not only is okay with your femme side, but will embrace it and partner through with you.
Take it slow and easy and just ask about the dressing in bed, what she was getting at, how far to take it, etc. Then if you both are good with that, add some makeup or full dressing. If that is good, then you can begin to tell her how strongly you feel about being feminine and that it comes and goes, so you’re not sure what you want to do. You may find that if you are able to be open at home, go on GNO dates, shopping, etc. that it will be enough for you.
I suggest before you get too far into deep convos, though to get a marriage therapist with a lot of experience with CD and TG couples. For me, I have both a marriage therapist and an individual therapist. Do understand a marriage therapist’s prime duty is to the marriage whereas an individual therapist’s prime duty is to the person, not the marriage. So their advice may not snyc, but in my case, both said I needed to transition or live as a woman FT to be a happy, healthy person.
The gender spectrum is infinite and every person needs to find their “happy place” on it, so don’t over-think it. Just follow your heart and keep the respect you obviously have for your wife. It’ll all work out as it is supposed to!
Hugs,
Brie
Gosh, Brielle, I like you. You seem so smart and insightful and caring. I’m one of the lucky ones. My spouse participates fully in my femininity, and since I’m introverted and probably over-cautious about being out, I have a great safe space at home to be Janey. Sounds like Marisa may be lucky too. Only one scary but potentially very rewarding way to find out.
When I had a live in GF of 6yrs, she caught me dressing. Not red handed, but it was only us in the apartment and she noticed her things had been disturbed. When she noticed, she wanted to argue…I think she thought I was looking for something..because she just kept yelling you can look all you want, there’s nothing I’m hiding from you. So I just told her..look, I like to dress. If she’d gotten weird, I’d have told her I was kidding and moved toward something else. Much to my surprise she completely stopped. She told me she was bisexual and that turned her on. You don’t think she may have noticed something that clued her in to what you’re doing? At any rate, it sounds to me like she’s into it.. I think I would most definitely talk open with her. You named the worst case scenario..how bout the best? Maybe she’s into it and stays supportive and together with you as far as you want to go with it? Also she can help you decide if you want to stay CD, or transition. You’ve actually got it made right now…!
In reading your story, it sounds as though you have answered the question to me. In reading a few stories on several different boards I wonder if some of our sisters might be Gender Fluid?? It maybe something you could bring up with your S.O and maybe explore with a Therapist.
It sounds like you are sort of in the same boat as I, one week fem, the next male with maybe a week of ” I don’t care which I am !”
It can be confusing to one and all, but if you can get to understand it, you can live a much better life.
Just a thought
Aria
Apart from hitting you over the head with a cast iron bra, I don’t think that your partner could be any less subtle.
My guess is that you have left the closet door ajar once or twice.
Have you tried on any of her clothes during your crossdressing sessions or even just looked through her clothing that she has noticed was ‘disturbed’ later?
The bralet under your pillow should have at least led you to ask why and ‘do you want me to wear it’
You’ve provided enough evidence to convince a grand jury that you really need to start a conversation with your partner about where the relationship could go .
I can’t wait any longer. Sorry.
Did you have the chat and did you get to wear the bralette?
Regardless it sounds as if you have a wonderful partner who thinks the world of you. I hope everything works out for the best.
I was fortunate to be in a similar position a few years ago and it changed my life completely, I couldn’t be happier now, even though we’re no longer together she is still a very good friend.
Hey Marisa,
I was married and had a similar experience. As I have stated before I have a long history of dressing up in my mothers clothes. When I was a young adult I moved in with my girlfriend and whenever the opportunity presented itself I would dress up in her clothes.
The first tome she caught me she got furious and began to belittle me and basically tried to end our relationship. Over a span of years she caught me wearing her clothes numerous times and eventually began to accuse me of cheating on her with men. Im not even attracted to men. She was a very insecure person and couldn’t understand that I can have issues with gender and still NOT be attracted to men. Anyway eventually we progressed in the bedroom to me fully dressing up but in the long run I believe it contributed to our break up. In the end she couldn’t handle or understand I’m still not very sure. She would encourage me to dress up but then she would put me down for it and tell other people that I would wear her clothes. Turned into a big mess. I guess what I’m trying to say is life is fragile and we should always tread softly and be very aware of who we trust. If you didn’t know you would never guess and eventually she felt betrayed that I didnt just tell her in the beginning but who does that.. either way good luck and IF she is truly understanding then count yourself as fortunate and be careful to not take her for granted
R❤️That’s quite a hint to get things going forward in a positive way!
Years ago I once placed a pair of nylons, nightie and other provocative clothing items on my wife’s pillow just before bedtime. We took turns in the bathroom and I was first. When I opened the bathroom door, my spouse came in for her turn. She had a bit of a sly smile on her lips. When I got to our bed, all the garments I wanted her to wear were on my pillow. So, I got dressed! WTH, eh?
We have a “roll-reversal” thing going on and it works for us. She understands and accepts my desires to be feminine. I came clean with her in the early days of our relationship. I think saying something early is good, at least it was for us.
Good luck, Marisa!
Barb
Sweetie that’s a signal to go for it don’t hold back once that steps made it will open many doors in your relationship. I am lucky I have an understanding partner, she buys me clothes and jewelry waxes the bits I cannot reach and has backed me up totally with the laser hair removal.
I am really a lucky girl .
She knows I want to trans fully at some point and has never got upset.
I guess I’m one of the really lucky ones. To all those out there who don’t get this support this site is dull of girls with all the love and support you need XXX
Emma 💞💕♥️If you are unsure, why not ask? She obviously knows and based on her comments and caresses, seems interested and encouraging.
I know this question was posed some time ago. I am just catching up. If you haven’t done so, I sure hope you will open up and begin fully enjoying your feminine side with your partner.
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