Did your dysphoria and self loathing get worse before coming out?

[Liam Stardust]

I’m wondering if I’m normal. I plan on coming out to family and friends soon, starting hormones, changing name and pronouns and I feel horrible. I feel like I should be excited, but I’m mainly anxious that everyone is going to hate me and leave me. It’s making me wanting to stay in this body and identity I don’t like just because I’m scared of losing the people I love. And what makes it worse is that I’m finding it harder and harder to even look at myself in the mirror or hear people call me “ma’am” or “girl.” I feel like so stuck. I want to transition to male and feel like my true self. But I am so terrified of being abandoned that I just want to stay hidden. Has anyone else experienced this? Or am I weird?

[Michelle Lawson]

Liam, to me, the happiness in transitioning comes from the HRT and surgery clearing up the doubt and anxiety surrounding who I am. I didn’t expect it would turn me into a happy person 24/7. There are still the daily trials and tribulations we have to deal with as humans. Are you going to going to have some hard times, most probably. Will you deal with them in a positive way, most probably. Will transitioning make you loose people you love, and find new ones to love, and love you, most probably. But that is what life is. You grow, you change. But seek someone professionally that can help you along that path. It is better to walk that with someone, than without. Michelle

[Sharon]

That is quite normal. I was scared.  I didn’t want to come out because I thought I would lose the people I love.  However if I hadn’t come out I would have lost my life.  In the end it got to a point that I had less to lose, even if I lost those around me, I had to come out to stay alive.  As it turned out, everyone has been totally accepting, which may be the case for you, people do surprise you.   But then my only transphobia is towards myself, I have always accepted everyone for who they are, and have surrounded myself with like minded people.  Perhaps I was subconsciously preparing for the day when I would need them.

[Antonia Carter]

Hi Liam no you aren’t weird at all i had the same problem just a very short time ago and was terrified of losing the people i love and doing this journey on my own, so much sk that i denied to myself who i was until i was 40, however the urge to be female got so strong i was starting to get severely depressed, since accepting myself and coming out to people though ive became much happier and now look in the mirror and love what i see staring back at me, as far as other people go, sone will accept and support you and sone probably wont but for the ones that dont its their problem not yours and if they cant accept you for you then are they really worth it.

Take care Antonia

[Roz]

Hi Liam

Thanks for posting this. I feel the same way. I’m at the start of this journey aged 45 because I can’t cope in the closet any more. I nearly told my wife tonight but the timing wasn’t right. My heart was doing about 200 per minute. So I haven’t told anyone yet and the dysphoria is present every day at the moment making it hard to concentrate n anything. I’m very scared too so it must be normal. I hope we both get supportive responses but if not we will find a way to make it work.
Take care

Roz

[Andrea Moss]

Anxiety, depression, and self loathing have been constant bedfellows of mine for over 30 yrs, and have only recently been alleviated by my acceptance of the real me. But, to answer your question, during the period last year when I was dressing up in secret, I did suffer with additional anxieties about my dysphoria, wondering if I was just doing it as a fetish, or was my mental illness getting worse. Part of it was guilt that I was hiding something from my wife and family.
I only truly accepted myself as Andrea after I’d came out to my immediate family, which I’m sure is an experience many of us have had.

[Jessica Alexandria]

Hey Sir… I felt EXACTLY this when I was trying to come out. I wanted Jessica SO BAD, but I was terrified. See, I was on drugs for a very long time because it helped me with the pain and anxiety of keeping my true identity a secret.. And to me, I felt like..TRAPPED.. Like I’m wrongly accused of a crime and locked inside this prison of my body..you know? I felt a lot of self pity.. I got sober, and after about 4months with no drugs, I started to get panicked about my skin again… She wouldn’t stay hidden anymore, and I didn’t want her to..I was very afraid though. My counselors and the director here where I am in treatment helped me. Every time I tell someone else, I feel a little happier, a little lighter… it’s the best decision I ever made. I have been moved out of the men’s part and in with the other girls, my brother didn’t even miss a beat..it took me 10mins of beating around the bush to finally tell him, and all he said is, That’s it? Bro, I don’t care…I mean Sis.. I still love you. My family had abandoned me because of the drugs and I was just getting them back, and was VERY afraid of losing them again. But I haven’t. Everyone I’ve told, with the exception of a couple ppl that don’t really matter anyway, has accepted Jessi…I’m SO HAPPY right now. My life is better than it has EVER been… Please don’t stay someone who you know you aren’t. I wasted a LOT of my life being unhappy, and I’ll do everything I can to help other people to not do the same. It feels amazing, and you’ll feel so much better after. And listen, it’s not as bad as you think. Family is Family…usually no matter what. There ARE exceptions, but people that truly love you WILL remain…and at the very least, you’ll be rid of the people in your life that are fake, right? If no one has told you today…You’re a strong, handsome, amazing man and I love you! 💋

💕 – Jessi

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by Jessica Alexandria. Reason: Mis-spelling

[DeeAnn Hopings]

Liam:

Normal is just a setting on the clothes dryer…

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