Did your dysphoria and self loathing get worse before coming out?

  • Creator
  • #103197
    Liam Stardust

    I’m wondering if I’m normal. I plan on coming out to family and friends soon, starting hormones, changing name and pronouns and I feel horrible. I feel like I should be excited, but I’m mainly anxious that everyone is going to hate me and leave me. It’s making me wanting to stay in this body and identity I don’t like just because I’m scared of losing the people I love. And what makes it worse is that I’m finding it harder and harder to even look at myself in the mirror or hear people call me “ma’am” or “girl.” I feel like so stuck. I want to transition to male and feel like my true self. But I am so terrified of being abandoned that I just want to stay hidden. Has anyone else experienced this? Or am I weird?

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  • Author
    • #115053

      I finally have embraced the concept and accepted who I am. MtoF.

      Over the last week my dysphoria, self loathing and depression have been more active than ever. More intense than ever. Yesterday, I went into woman mode I could barely make myself look at anything without a new level of disgust for myself.

      “What am I thinking?”

      ”everyone I know is going to hate me”

      ”I’m gonna get fired…”

      and so on. Last night, I let Mallory out, put away my forced male side, and did  things as my female self…Did my hair, makeup, lots of self care things. Today I felt better, but not there. Tonight I did it again. I looked in the mirror and I was happy. genuinely happy. looking in the mirror, I asked myself how can I continue to deny that this is who I am? My wife, (very supportive) walked in and said “I don’t know what you’re waiting for, stop fighting yourself, be you.”

      It seems my true happiness and comfort comes from being the real me. I’m out to a small select number of people. I don’t know how long until I tell more. But I find that my true self is what gets me through. You aren’t alone. I’ve seen several you tube channels and in more than a few books I’ve read, from professional gender specialists and they say these feelings are quite normal.


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    • #114988

      Hi Liam

      Thanks for posting this. I feel the same way. I’m at the start of this journey aged 45 because I can’t cope in the closet any more. I nearly told my wife tonight but the timing wasn’t right. My heart was doing about 200 per minute. So I haven’t told anyone yet and the dysphoria is present every day at the moment making it hard to concentrate n anything. I’m very scared too so it must be normal. I hope we both get supportive responses but if not we will find a way to make it work.
      Take care


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    • #103242

      Hi Liam no you aren’t weird at all i had the same problem just a very short time ago and was terrified of losing the people i love and doing this journey on my own, so much sk that i denied to myself who i was until i was 40, however the urge to be female got so strong i was starting to get severely depressed, since accepting myself and coming out to people though ive became much happier and now look in the mirror and love what i see staring back at me, as far as other people go, sone will accept and support you and sone probably wont but for the ones that dont its their problem not yours and if they cant accept you for you then are they really worth it.

      Take care Antonia

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    • #103229

      That is quite normal. I was scared.  I didn’t want to come out because I thought I would lose the people I love.  However if I hadn’t come out I would have lost my life.  In the end it got to a point that I had less to lose, even if I lost those around me, I had to come out to stay alive.  As it turned out, everyone has been totally accepting, which may be the case for you, people do surprise you.   But then my only transphobia is towards myself, I have always accepted everyone for who they are, and have surrounded myself with like minded people.  Perhaps I was subconsciously preparing for the day when I would need them.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #103217
      Michelle Larsen

      Liam, to me, the happiness in transitioning comes from the HRT and surgery clearing up the doubt and anxiety surrounding who I am. I didn’t expect it would turn me into a happy person 24/7. There are still the daily trials and tribulations we have to deal with as humans. Are you going to going to have some hard times, most probably. Will you deal with them in a positive way, most probably. Will transitioning make you loose people you love, and find new ones to love, and love you, most probably. But that is what life is. You grow, you change. But seek someone professionally that can help you along that path. It is better to walk that with someone, than without. Michelle

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