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Good morning,
You feel like you cannot ever really confirm what you feel on inside. What your peers are doing is inspiring but not sometjing you are in complete agreement with, yourself. You’re already a part of one of the smallest demographics in the world, and what you feel only further isolates you.You hear about operations, and hormones, and clothes, and other extras and think: “these are all well and good somewhere, but I’m more interested in ___.” You may not be able to answer this question and it will bother you. If you can answer this question, you have a sneaking suspicion that a breeze may blow and this idea will topple over. You’re like me.
If You dream of embracing uncertainty. If you want to feel a profound sense of freedom from fears of failure and success. If the feel of your heart beating terrifies you and inspires you… well, you might be Me.
If you are like me, then I have to ask you: does changing your body really help you? Putting your body closer to androgeny is a showing of yourself, but you may feel it is a worthy one. Why? What do you really want to express?
You don’t really want to be tied to anyone thing. You might want it. You might want all of it. You might want none it. You might not even care…
But you have come to a conclusion about your body. What was it and why?
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Transition brings about a number of changes, some small and some major. It is a step by step process and each step contains learnings. Some can be expected and even anticipated, but there are others that you will never see coming. The important things is they all need time to consider and absorb. Rushing through this is not helpful…
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I like this posting, so thanks for bringing it to life and the light.
For me everything about transition seems mired in the land of confusion and uncertainty.
I started HRT almost 3 months ago now. The decision to do it was so clear at that time and it still is.
The things that are beyond my immediate mind are dressing as a woman. I have no confusion on the path, first stop will be the land of androgenous adventure for a brief 4 to 6 months. I am sure in that period i will start the challenge of changing my look to match my ever evolving bodily form. Learning what style of dress works for me, practicing makeup until I feel comfortable with the looks i can master.
Things I cant control, and truly dont know about myself yet. Will I ever feel like a woman in my own mind? Do I actually care about that to begin with? Some would say thats self doubt, others might be more kind and say self identity. I say its part of the mystery and self discovery that makes this journey so special to me.
I may be just like alot of you, and different at the same time. I think we all have things in common and at the same time so much more that makes us who we are. I just know that where ever my path stops, its where I am meant to be, and most importantly where I chose to go.
I thank you and wish everyone the best on your individual paths and destinations. Traci
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Hello Aerial,
(Love your name BTW) Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Honestly, except that I first saw Michelle’s answer, I by passed your post because of the title. “Requires too much thinking,” I thought. Silly me, such a snap judgement was to my loss. I am glad now that I backed up, took a moment, and read it.
If I am understanding your thoughts correctly, I AM much like you. Deep in my heart I so strongly desire to relate to others and to be related to as, Charrie, your now average senior age woman. One day I am deeply convinced and I love the truth that I am a woman at heart. . . but . . . not deeply convinced enough evidently because, being totally honest I am equally aware of a tinie-tiny sliver of doubt. The one thing I am fairly certain of is that the average man in my sphere of influence certainly would not be comfortable dressing as a woman, fussing over matching pieces and accessories to get just the right outfit, nor entertain for a moment the deep longings that at times bring me to tears because I will never get to be a bride or a mom. So, certainly those kinds of deep, persistent, heart warming dreams must mean that I am a woman right, albeit trans. And being trans is OK just as long as it is a modifier for “woman.”And certainly the average man would not be comfortable with nor much less embrace the idea that he IS a woman, even if he dare acknowledge his “feminine” side.
So there, I settle it in my heart – well sorta – that I am a woman. I do enjoy dressing. Being Charrie outwardly puts a smile on my soul, because I finally being authentic. I want that smile continually, well more often at least so I am going to be more open to others besides my sister’s here at TGH about who I am. Decided! . . . but. . . Forget the , “but”. Off to convince the world. But . . OK. start small. I’ll start with my wife. [yes, you probably guessed it. . . but. . . ]
Oh how I long for the certainty to jump across the divide like dear Cloé has. But I am afraid; I am, it seems more like Michelle, measuring, calculating how wide is that divide, lest when I take that leap to the other side, I not have enough momentum to make it.
Yes, dear Aerial I am a lot like you it seems. Your heart’s share has helped me. Thank you.
Blessings,
Charrie
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One point to note…
The demographic may not be as small as you think. An extensive study by the Williams Institute at UCLA puts the estimate of trans people in the US at around 2,000,000. You will also see estimates of 1,400,000 to 1,500,000, but the difference is young people. The 2,000,000 is everyone.
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Hi Aerial, I think you sum up a lot of feelings and questions that I have asked myself as I continue to explore who I am. There are times where I feel that I need to express one way or another, both, or non at all. So not sure where that leaves me and if this will change. As to changing ones body, I am not sure if it will or not help me but know a few people where it has and that they have found some peace with themselves. All I hope is the feeling of being more whole continues within.
Hugs,
Michelle
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