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As I get more serious about finding some conclusions about my gender, I am always fascinated by the holes in my own narrative and how much they vary from other trans women’s. Especially I have been trying to find where the stigma against femininity came in. I have a 3 1/2 year-old daughter and she is approaching the age where gender meant a lot to me in both friendships and identity. It’s odd as I was never drawn – sincerely or as an act, to anything aggressively “masculine,” but as soon as anything “feminine” was hanging around my neck we had a real problem.
Growing up in an affluent New Jersey outer suburb, I was surrounded almost entirely by horrible people. Just about any kid, regardless of their sex was being raised into a real monster and it was hard to connect. I didn’t feel connected to most of the other boys, but I wasn’t wishing to be with the girls either. Things were even worse at home. I’m not sure exactly when I realised there was no love between me and my parents, but I know my mom didn’t made femininity look that great. Or rather, she did as my only exposure to it, and eventually gender stigma and the realisation that she was a monster made me move away from seeing it that way. On the other hand, despite being a deeply troubled person prone to terrifying outbursts, there is a real human in him. even today, if i had to be one of my parents, it would without a doubt be my father.
so, with that in mind, did that send me into gender denial? i really would love to hear the thoughts on the trans women who have – especially at a younger age, made the choice to transition and how they would feel in a position like that. if you were presented a feminine world so undesirable, would you have been able to convince yourself you were a boy? would you need to fight your body, your assumed identity, and the people around you in order to be something that (even in the most successful, idealised scenario) left you completely on your own? in other words, if you could flip the switch, be universally accepted as a girl, yet live in the same environment where you were unable to connect with anyone on a deep, positive level would it even seem worth the trouble?
well, maybe if they weren’t putting girls in such awful dresses in the early 90s that would have been enough! the clothes sure didn’t look like much fun until i was about 9!
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