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Did/Does Mom Know?
As some of you know, I am set to go through transition yet again. Well, actually a THIRD time (but that’s a whole other post). The surgeon and insurance are having me do the therapy AGAIN to RE-establish the diagnosis of gender dysphoria. I would be put out, but insurance is going to cover a better part of this than ever before…so I’m good with it!
The new (insurance approved) therapist asked several questions: Did your mother know? How did she react? Was she supportive? Fortunately, those questions engendered quite pleasant memories and responses. So, I thought that would be an interesting set of questions to throw out to you ladies! It may be difficult for some of us, I realize. I intend to cause no discomfort. However, those of us having done therapy know that processing the difficult feelings helps us to grow. So…,
Did/does mom know?
How did she react?
Was mom supportive?
Did/does mom actively help you in any way?
What sayeth the collective wisdoms, y’all?
Dee
Hi Dee. I think my mom knew. She caught me once, trying on a pair of my granny’s heels. And then, there were the times I accidentally got lipstick on her white sundress and did a poor job of removing mascara from my lashes. However, she never said anything. She’s gone now, but if she were still here, I think she’d understand, but be disappointed. I was the only son.
There’s an old family story relayed to me by my mother that I was wearing a girls bathing suit as a toddler because it was a hand me down which was all they had and could afford. In that photo, that child is smiling beautifully. No hint of discomfort or trauma… why would there be ? That little girl was who she was. My mom relayed to me how she dearly wanted a beautiful little girl, and I’ve always suspected that my dressing in female clothes at a young age was not just coincidental. That a truth had been broached. I’ve gravitated to female clothing, and felt myself to be female as long as I can remember. It has always brought a sense of release and calm, and the acknowledgement of the discomfort of the skin I was in.
Honestly… I wish I could ask her but she passed away years ago. Knowing that she dearly wanted a daughter I think she would have been thrilled at the prospect of having a daughter. Makes me wish sometimes I came to terms with my trans self years ago so I could have given myself – and her- that gift so much sooner.
Hi Dee
Although I spent most of my life away from my mother, I did have a conversation with her a month or so before she passed away in which I explained to her who I really was and how that had shaped me in ways she could never know. She took it well and I have a sense that regardless of how I presented my self to her she would have been supportive, and understanding. A mother’s love, simple and understanding.
I can not say 100% for sure as I never came out to her before she passed but there were some signs she knew for sure. She used to make comments when perusing my baby book on how much I looked like a little girl in the photos (and I do). She used to mention I need to change my chapstick as it was staining my lips, as you can guess it was lipstick that was doing the staining, she went to school as a beautician and must have known. When staying home from college I used to keep my female clothing hanging in the very back of my closet and I saw my mom once looking in there but she never said a word. When I was older she used to comment that when I went out for the weekend I must be coming home from a rave as I failed to wash the black from my eyes, oh did I love to use black eyeliner and that 90’s smoky look. But one of the bigger signs was when a teen after getting my eyes dilated at the mall and I could not see well she took me to Forever 21 to try on shirts and stuff, believe me I could see well enough to know they were not guys shirts and there was no way she did not know.
Miriya
Hi Dee, Mum knew she once had a son who loved her, and then a Daughter who became even closer than the son she had by then lost.
Mum and Faye mutually supported each other, she shielded me from my abusive father and brother, I gave her a place to hideaway when home life became to much. I had moved into an apartment I shared with another girl. She always told us she now had two daughters.
Over the next 5 years ( I was now 25 years old) Helen my flatmate emigrated to Australia and I purchased my own apartment. Mum and I would meet there on a Saturday when my father and brother were at a game.
We would go to the Mall as Mother and Daughter, shop, chat over coffee and enjoy being together. On one of these days we met one of her neighbours, they chatted for a while and it was obvious this woman who had lived across the road from my family since I was young had no idea who I was.
A few days later and her husband met my brother, told him of his wife meeting my Mum, adding that she ( his wife ) has casually remarked that Mum was with a younger woman. My brother told my dad and under pressure and obviously in fear she told them she had been visiting me. I will not repeat my Fathers actions but I was never to see my Mum again.
less than a year later she passed away after a short illness and I was banned from her funeral, though I did visit her place of rest a few days later, as Faye and more importantly to me , as a Daughter. I had the feeling of my Mum watching down on me.
I’m sorry if this is too long a story, but I have for so long needed to share with those who could understand.
This was over 40 years ago and I wish such sites as this were around then.
Faye
Hi Dee, I’m pretty well 100 percent certain that my mom knew and figured it out early on because as with most children, we don’t always do a good job trying to cover our tracks. I was constantly and “secretly” grabbing some of her clothes and other articles and then hiding them in my closet to wear while no one else was around. She would also make mention quite often that my sister and I should have been gender swapped as children because I was more of a girl that she was, and it was true. Also, whenever she would fold clothes, she would always hand me my underwear and say, here are your panties. I would just roll my eyes but deep down, whenever she made those comments, I was really wishing those type statements were true. I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s and so topics like this were never mentioned, let alone discussed. She is still alive but we haven’t ever talked about it, mainly because I have never came out to anyone in my family except for my wife and that’s a complete other land mind topic in itself.
Now, I would really talk to her about it and know how she feels and what she thought. Of course, back when I was a child and teenager, I would say none of us knew what was going on and there wasn’t any way of finding out either. Now, I have a much better understanding of this and know that it isn’t any of the things we were ever lead to believe at the time. Knowing her, once she had a better understood everything I’ve gone through all my life and why, I think we would continue to have a great relationship, albeit a different one, but good none the less.
This is wonderful, and reminds me of my mom as well. Thanks for sharing, it so made me smile😌. I’ve recently wondered how my mom would react knowing that she has the little girl she wanted so badly all along. You hit the nail on the head. If we didn’t grow in isolation, it would have been different although the outcome the same.
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