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Of late I have hit rock bottom to the point I have spent almost 2 weeks in bed crying while just staring at the wall , sleep hasn’t be had within this time and the heat isn’t helping either in that department .
Since the beginning of the year I wasn’t in a good place until I found this this site , but was in the healing stage and was starting to finally feel good about myself I was hit with another blow . My mom stop talking to me a week before my birthday , wants nothing to do with me says I’m a freak and a disgrace to the family to the point that I’m never aloud to come home . I was very upset at first and figuring that I would be able to handle this since she was never there for me and only supported me because my father did . How wrong was I on this . I’m having a very hard time dealing with the fact my mom doesn’t love me . Which is weird for she has never said I love you , never taught or shown us what love is . Right now I can hear her in the back of my mind calling me worthless , no good for nothing , will never amount to anything . Right now I don’t have a lot of self worth .
To re-force these feeling looking for work hasn’t gone very well either . Be out of work since Oct of last year . Since Jan of this year I have applied to 533 jobs and here I sit typing away feeling that I wasting space . I’m starting to shut out my best friend for 30 years over his comments he made to me over the weekend . I was very upset balling my eyes out and tells me that an employer has the right to keep me hidden in the back so customers don’t get offended and lose business and I should get into what other trans woman do …go and work in the sex trade . This sent me off the deep end spending another four days in bed crying . I really don’t want him as a friend anymore . I’m a human being and will not be treated as a secret to society .
But yet I find myself questioning was transitioning 20 years ago was the way to go . After I was rape I detransition and lived life just to exist , this wasn’t good for me at all . I wasn’t happy , I gained a lot of frigging weight which I have lost 100 pounds since Jan of this year , still more to go though . 40 more pounds to go ! I can’t go back to this life , it’s not health . Yet , how things are going now for me aren’t healthy for me either . I the passed week I have tried to take my life three times . I’m in therapy now for it but I have never felt so empty .. so hollow that there is neither cold or warmth a state of numbiness which isn’t good .
Looking at this in a realistically way …
I’m tired of the rejecting and discrimination , this will follow me everytime I leave the house with the fear of leaving the house . I was assaulted three weeks ago while by smokes at my local convenience store . Never had fear before , now I do . Loneliness is another one and as it stands now the only person I talk to is my sister . I always had this dream of being housewife , I now realize this is not going to happen .
So rest of my like will be faced with a higher rate of rejection , discrimination , loneliness . The emotional pain for me isn’t worth it , but yet I love who I am … A beautiful Woman . There is a part me that still has some hope to hang in there to get pressing forward knowing what I’m in for , the other part wants off this rock !
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