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Caution: contains some sexual content.
In recent months during lockdown, I’ve been forced to confront the fact that I might be trans. I’m at the point now where I’m agonizing over whether or not to start hormone therapy because it’s feeling really hard to push this stuff down anymore: I’m increasingly unmotivated in my job and feel a lack of direction and an inability to concentrate. In some ways I’m suspecting it comes back to not having a strong male identity.
My story in brief:
Dressing up: Ever since I can remember I’ve wanted to dress up as a girl. When I was a kid I had a dressing up box and I remember being quizzed by my grandmother (who I lived with) because I was always dressing up a costume as a woman. This evolved in my early teens into sneaking into my mum’s room when she was at work and trying on her underwear. I used to keep a little box of girl’s/women’s clothes that I would wear whenever I was home alone. I sometimes used to wear girl’s underwear under my school clothes. There was nothing sexual at all about it at this point. It was just this urge which was like nothing else.
Looking feminine: As a kid I always looked extremely feminine. I remember a girl on the school bus looking at me when I was about 14 and saying “you’re just like a girl”. In my teens older men would often hit on me. I’ve always been relatively dainty and have extremely feminine facial features. If I shave and grow my hair a bit I can still easily pass as a woman (I’m 28 now) with barely any make-up. (P.S. Not saying that those who don’t look like me are any less trans etc. I don’t believe that at all. But I find it interesting how I look so feminine to begin with.
Relationships: In my teens and early twenties I had crushes on girls. In my twenties I made an effort to go to the gym and started to have more success with women (the combination of being pretty and also being a bit manly too did wonders). However my relationships (3 relatively serious ones all with women) all failed. I went on a promiscuous spree for about a year and a half (I slept with around 30 women in total) but the whole thing was quite unsatisfying (except to my ego which I was trying to pump up with this image of a sexually successful male. I’d often have to take viagra to get hard during intercourse. I don’t really feel like I was doing it for the sex, more for the ego boost that went with the sex.
Sexuality: Ever since I was about 17 I have been watching transsexual pornography. But never from the perspective of the man, always from the perspective of the trans actress. That’s always who I’ve fantasized about being. At times this has turned into a bit of a porn addiction. Some people might say that what I really have is a fetish, but I was always wanting to dress up as a girl even before I found porn. When I masturbate or think about sex it’s almost always with me as a woman and a man having penetrative anal sex with me. I’ve been with 3 men but the sex was never that good. I think because I wasn’t that attracted strongly to the men, I just wanted to try it. There is a certain type of man I am attracted to though, and I think if I tried it with someone like that I would enjoy it a lot more. I often use a dildo on myself and love the feeling. I never even experienced pre-cum until I started to use that on myself. I am still attracted to women but I am more sexually turned on by the idea of submitting to a very manly man. I want him to penetrate me, but I do not want to penetrate him. I haven’t yet because I was brought up in the countryside to feel shame around being gay, bi or trans etc. However the urge is so strong and I feel like maybe I use porn to suppress it.
I hope all that makes sense. I think I may be trans but I don’t know. At the moment I’m letting my hair grow out (easy anyway during lockdown), trimming my eyebrows and losing weight so that my body looks more feminine. People around me are starting to notice something is up. I’m so confused right now :/
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