Feel like maybe I’ve been in denial about being trans my whole life

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  • #95008
    Jaime Purdy
    Participant

    Caution: contains some sexual content.

    In recent months during lockdown, I’ve been forced to confront the fact that I might be trans. I’m at the point now where I’m agonizing over whether or not to start hormone therapy because it’s feeling really hard to push this stuff down anymore: I’m increasingly unmotivated in my job and feel a lack of direction and an inability to concentrate. In some ways I’m suspecting it comes back to not having a strong male identity.

    My story in brief:

    Dressing up: Ever since I can remember I’ve wanted to dress up as a girl. When I was a kid I had a dressing up box and I remember being quizzed by my grandmother (who I lived with) because I was always dressing up a costume as a woman. This evolved in my early teens into sneaking into my mum’s room when she was at work and trying on her underwear. I used to keep a little box of girl’s/women’s clothes that I would wear whenever I was home alone. I sometimes used to wear girl’s underwear under my school clothes. There was nothing sexual at all about it at this point. It was just this urge which was like nothing else.

    Looking feminine: As a kid I always looked extremely feminine. I remember a girl on the school bus looking at me when I was about 14 and saying “you’re just like a girl”. In my teens older men would often hit on me. I’ve always been relatively dainty and have extremely feminine facial features. If I shave and grow my hair a bit I can still easily pass as a woman (I’m 28 now) with barely any make-up. (P.S. Not saying that those who don’t look like me are any less trans etc. I don’t believe that at all. But I find it interesting how I look so feminine to begin with.

    Relationships: In my teens and early twenties I had crushes on girls. In my twenties I made an effort to go to the gym and started to have more success with women (the combination of being pretty and also being a bit manly too did wonders). However my relationships (3 relatively serious ones all with women) all failed. I went on a promiscuous spree for about a year and a half (I slept with around 30 women in total) but the whole thing was quite unsatisfying (except to my ego which I was trying to pump up with this image of a sexually successful male. I’d often have to take viagra to get hard during intercourse. I don’t really feel like I was doing it for the sex, more for the ego boost that went with the sex.

    Sexuality: Ever since I was about 17 I have been watching transsexual pornography. But never from the perspective of the man, always from the perspective of the trans actress. That’s always who I’ve fantasized about being. At times this has turned into a bit of a porn addiction. Some people might say that what I really have is a fetish, but I was always wanting to dress up as a girl even before I found porn. When I masturbate or think about sex it’s almost always with me as a woman and a man having penetrative anal sex with me. I’ve been with 3 men but the sex was never that good. I think because I wasn’t that attracted strongly to the men, I just wanted to try it. There is a certain type of man I am attracted to though, and I think if I tried it with someone like that I would enjoy it a lot more. I often use a dildo on myself and love the feeling. I never even experienced pre-cum until I started to use that on myself. I am still attracted to women but I am more sexually turned on by the idea of submitting to a very manly man. I want him to penetrate me, but I do not want to penetrate him. I haven’t yet because I was brought up in the countryside to feel shame around being gay, bi or trans etc. However the urge is so strong and I feel like maybe I use porn to suppress it.

    I hope all that makes sense. I think I may be trans but I don’t know. At the moment I’m letting my hair grow out (easy anyway during lockdown), trimming my eyebrows and losing weight so that my body looks more feminine. People around me are starting to notice something is up. I’m so confused right now :/

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    • #109995

      <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi.</p>
      <p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you for the thread…All of your stories resonate with me wholeheartedly…from the attraction to women to envisioning you were the trans woman in the relationship to wanting to be with man who wants to please a woman.</p>
      I have even migrated to looking looking at women in all different types of outfits thinking “I would wear that, and that and that, NOT that.”  And when I am in that state I forget about what gender I was born and feel like me.

      I am married with 3 kids and love my wife and don’t want to hurt her.  I thought I would grow out of it, but nope…it just gets stronger and stronger and I am at the beginning stages of coming to grips with me and what I want to do.

      I don’t think gender dysphoria has to be present 100% of the time to be trans…and there is NOTHING wrong with being Trans.  Transgender is a wide spectrum of gender and does not have to be binary.  You just have to be comfortable with you.  The destination doesn’t need to be known to start the journey.   How do you get from the Atlantic to the Pacific…head due west, but there are many roads you can take and sometimes you run into detours., and there are many scenic stops along way.  Note that CIS Gender folks enjoy the Atlantic or Pacific and have no desires to dock the boat.

      I recently accepted this and am still in the closet in my real life and it’s a LONELY place to live.  I just need to take my own advice and start the engine in the car.

      Lately I have been hurting inside with a full range of emotions occurring almost simultaneously since I have stopped denying that I at least fall somewhere in the Trans spectrum (probably the Pacific or somewhere in California).

      Anyway, I hope this helps and puts some things in perspective. Like I say, it’s not easy but one needs to only do what’s right for them.

      Stephanie

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #100968
      Anonymous

      You had me in the first paragraph hun. Yes, I’ve often felt different since I was old enough to establish such a thing. And yes, like you the lockdown and the pandemic forced me to stop. Stop busying myself with mindless jobs (of which I lost motivation more and more as the years rolled on), and for once focus on me, and my life, where I was at, and where I was headed.

      I’ve always been quite ‘in there’ with the ladies, and like you I portrayed myself as a very successful (in the bedroom department anyway) guy. But needed to be either ‘off my face’ on drink or drugs to be able to ‘perform’. I am attracted to women but I’ve recently established that the need for drink etc, was down to really bad dysphoria.

      And as for the sexuality side of things, I am more or less on the same page as you. I’ve never been with any guys though but believe me I’ve had more offers than I can deal with. Sadly, despite that I turned them all down. They were gay…And a gay man is attracted to other men. I identify as female and do not see myself as a gay man in anyway shape or form. The sexuality side of things is still a bit of a puzzle for right now, one that I’m sure I’ll figure out in time.

      Amelia

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #100945
      Lufia
      FREE

      Your experience is nearly identical to mine. I remember being jealous of the girls as far back as I can remember. I started wearing women’s clothing as a young teenager. Early on, I was only attracted to women, but I started to feel an overwhelming desire to be penetrated around the age of 14. Though I still considered myself 100% straight at the time (denial), I purchased my first vibrator when I was about 19. I also started wearing panties exclusively around the same time, though I only wore other clothing in private.Since then, I am only fully satisfied if I am being penetrated.I have not had as much sexual experience as you have. I have had sex with a couple of women and dated one guy, though nothing ever came of it. Physically, I am very attracted to women, though I no longer believe the attraction is sexual in nature. I have had the same experiences with porn as you have had. Though I am physically only attracted to a very specific type of guy, my sole sexual interest is a receptive role with a man. I found it very uncomfortable when I tried to date a guy though, even though I wanted him. I think the issue is due to my perception of my gender. Being with a man while living as a gay man feels wrong to me. My desire is to be with a man as woman. My desire is to be with a man and be treated as a woman, both emotionally and physically. I have no desire to assume any semblance of a traditionally masculine role in my relationships.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #95037
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Jaime:

      Unraveling our gender identity is not the work of a minute. Our minds will throw up all sorts of irrelevant things and false flags in order to avoid stress, change and upheaval. Therefore, many suggest seeking a therapist with experience in gender issues to help sort things out.

      I can’t say that I have any statistical data, but there are many elements of what you wrote that are similar to many in the trans community. For some, it seems to me that crossdressing can open the door to beginning to question ones gender identity, but I suspect that it is a relatively small percentage.

      Anyway, if you would like to search for other UK based members, click on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.

      Please complete your Profile page. One thing to remember is that shorty after regular messages are posted, they cannot be edited. However, the Profile page can be edited at will.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
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