Forgiving for the future

  • This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by Brea.
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    • #34070
      Kirsten C

      I would like to share a story. It’s not very happy. Its not anything fun or joyous. But it is the closing chapter of a part of my life.

      This Mother’s Day I forgave my mom. Why? Well honestly it was for nothing. And everything all at once. It was for trying and failing. It was for never understanding. It was for creating anger and animosity. It was for never accepting me. And it was for all of the awful things as well.

      My life was good. At least from the outside. But from when I was 8 years old I wanted to transition. In a time when being trans was something closer to a nightmare rather than a medical condition, i tried to come out and get the help I needed. I didn’t get it. I got some form of conversion therapy that only made things for me worse and worse. 30 years later and a good 500 hours of therapy I finally found myself and the courage to admit who that was. And I did what I should have done way back then. But I lost my mom. And that whole piece of my family too.

      As I’m sure you can imagine this wasn’t easy. I questioned how it’s possible. I wondered if what I was doing was wrong. I hated myself for not being able to help them when my step dad was sick. But it’s what she wanted. It’s what she said she needed. So I left. I stopped trying. I gave up. But I hated her for it.

      But over the last year I have emerged. This new happy healthy inspiring motivated woman that’s been lost for 3 decades is finally coming out. And along this path I’ve learned a few things. Like that all my parents did to me when I was a kid was what they thought was best for me. Like that not all people are created equal and we need to accept all people simply for who they are. Like the fact that just because someone is your mom, doesn’t mean they are perfect.

      My mom isn’t perfect. She is just her. And she did her best. No matter that it was mostly all wrong. No matter that it ultimately hurt me way more than helped me. It was all done out of love. And Sheila loved Michael. But Michael is gone. And Kirsten is free. And it’s okay that she can’t deal with that. Its okay that she dislikes Kirsten. It’s okay that I am not her child. It’s okay that this relationship is over. And for all of these reasons I had to forgive her. It’s who she is. And I choose to accept her for who she is.

      I will probably never see my mother again. I will most likely never speak with her either. I get the feeling that most of her siblings share her feelings when it comes to me. But not all. And I love that I still can have some connection to that piece of my life. Truly I do. But I can’t expect any more that that. And I’m okay with it. I can finally move on with no ill will.

      So why share this? Well two reasons. First is a selfish reason. For myself. To see this story in print. To share this pain and release it forever. To feel free of the emotions it carries.

      But also to maybe help someone else see another viewpoint of a situation they may be in. No matter what side you are on. No matter how awful things have been. We all need to accept and move on. Because nobody is perfect. We are all just ourselves. Take it or leave it.

      So love yourself and those around you for who they ARE and not who you WANT them to be. Be unique. Be awesome. Be everything and anything you want to be. LOVE yourself.

      Thank you. ❤️❤️

    • #34120

      Kirsten, I am sorry for what you been through.  I can relate.  My mom accepted me a couple years before she passed away, but by then she already had a degree of dementia.  Coming from a large family, my siblings do not accept me, and I’m afraid they will not either.  They even tried to build a wall between my mother and I.  It worked to a point.  You see, my mom did something terribly wrong as we grew up that I will not mention here.  When the evidence came out, my father (who was also involved) denied it all until his last breath.  But my mom, she admitted it and asked for forgiveness.  I was the only one of 7 children that did forgive her.  She asked me why the others couldn’t forgive her.  I had no answer to give her, other than that they have to live with themselves.  They couldn’t forgive her and felt what she did was too damaging to their lives.  Yes, they blame mom for their shortcomings.  They even blame her for my choice to be female!  My mom did nothing to that notion.  She was a good mom in my opinion in every way moms are.  Ok, she made a mistake, so do the  rest of us and  we’d want to be forgiven too, right?

    • #35760

      Hi Kirsten I am so sorry you had to suffer for something you did not create or want. My mother  knew also. Let’s face it all mother’s know. Your mother did what she thought best for you at the time. Times have changed. It is a little easier to bring your son to a therapist and let them know he is questioning his gender.. The psychiatrist and Therapist did know how to handle that situation. They were not educated in this area. Like most mother’s who truly love you will only do what they think is best for you in order to survive this tough society. Thank you for your last advice I truly felt it. Luv Stephanie ❤️❤️

    • #35893

      I’m sorry you have to make this sacrifice to be able to live your life as you were meant to.  It is wonderful that you are able to forgive your mother.  Parents aren’t perfect.  I hope my son is s forgiving as yourself.  My grandma and my mother had a long standing grudge that went on for decades.  In the end my grandma knew it was not worth it.  I know your mother really loves you but just doesn’t understand.  It is sad that for some people they have to face death in order to realize how insignificant their prejudices are.  I hope your mother doesn’t wait until the end and miss the life of her beautiful daughter.  So sad.  I hope you keep your heart open to her and let her know you forgive her.  My heart goes out to you Kirsten.  Stay strong!

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