Fragility of hope.

  • Creator
  • #139437
    Halie Hamilton

    Hope is such an amazing thing, yet so fragile. Every time I find new hope it feels like the universe is right there waiting to dash it like Negan and Lucille, taking out Abraham and Glen.

    I get to the point in my life where I can not hide who and what I am any longer, and at the time the world looks safer, and more accepting, then whack, I get to see I was being shortsighted and not realizing nothing has changed in fact in many ways it has gotten worse.

    Hey things have got to get better, I find a brain witch get meds to help with my anxiety. I start learning to do my makeup by watching videos, but feel like my skills are and will always be lacking. I meet another transwoman, she some what helps me with my makeup (I still suck) but hey I have a friend who is dealing with all the same crap I am, and lives not far from me so that’s good right? We hang out we talk we have fun, then whack I start to notice every time I try to talk about things on my mind she changes the conversation to her, but hey even I don’t want to listen to me whine so why should I expect anyone else to, I should just be thankful I have a friend, I mean after coming out I lost all but two I had,.

    I begin taking steps to get HRT, I am happy well happy-ish. I do my blood tests so I can start, I am filled with hope I see the light. WHACK!! Blood work comes back I am diabetic, and have high cholesterol. So no HRT Really it should not have been a surprise I am 5’5″ and over 200 lbs. with a family history of diabetes. I get the news and there goes all that nice hope and warm fuzzies, my wives are both at work I need someone to talk to, because all I can do is cry and just want to crawl into bed and never come out. In my head I can’t call my wives they are at work and I am not worth it to bother them when they are working besides we need the money. My friend she does not work, she’ll help me find the light. I call her bawling, tell her what happened. Her reply is to start talking about how she just hooked up a new radio in her car and can’t get the controls to work properly on the steering wheel. I try to talk more about what is going on with me begging and hoping to hear don’t worry it will be okay we’ll figure things out. All I get is more about the radio and the car. After an hour of sitting there crying and listen to her go on about her car and radio she says she has to go get her son from school.

    I crawl into bed feeling even worse about myself and the events of the day, and cry until my wives get home. They do their best to comfort me, and persuade me to set up an earlier appointment with my brain witch. My brain witch listens and helps me work out what to do.

    I begin researching doctors, find a nice one whom I like quite a lot she reminds me of Zooey Deschanel, and whom better to have as a member of your medical team than Trillian? Well, River Song, of course.

    Two months go buy I have the latest meds from the science hippies, I am down 16 lbs, my A1C is down by half and my cholesterol, has significantly improved. I once again am ridding high, my makeup skills still suck but hey I am going well in other aspects of life. So I log in to Doctors on Demand to set up an appointment with the HRT doctor to find out what numbers I need to hit to get HRT. Time passes agonizingly slow waiting for the day to see Shelly. The day before my appointment I get an email from Doctors on Demand informing me they no longer offer gender affirming therapy. You guessed it WHACK!

    I crawl into bed cry for most of the day, get out of bed because my wives will be home soon and I need to make dinner. I make biscuits, eggs, hashbrowns, bacon sausage gravy (yes I make gravy with sausage and bacon wounder why I am over 200 lbs.) and eat my feelings.

    I go in to see Trillian (No it’s not her real name but she thinks it’s funny so I get to call her by it)  we talk she gives me all the news from my latest blood work, I tell her how things have been going, I set off for home to start finding a new way to get HRT (with my insurance because I can not afford Folox or the like) while on the phone calling around I get a call from Trillian she has found someone for me, she thinks I will like him. I call his office set up an appointment, next day I get a call to tell me he is going to need a letter from my brain witch. Well the wind has been sucked out of the sails again but hey not crying. I hang up and set up an appointment with my brain witch to see her as soon as possible to catch her before she goes on holiday.

    So yesterday I see my brain witch, tell her I need a letter she says she doesn’t think it is what is wanted if I will remember I had to see an independent brain witch for an HRT evaluation, I tell her that is not what was requested, so she agrees to send a letter. So I fill out all of the paperwork so that he can get faxed letters, charts, everything from every medical person I have seen in the past three years even from the independent HRT evaluation brain witch to cover all the bases I could think of I will dig up my childhood doctor from his grave and find a way to bring him back if I have to damn it!

    So here I sit in limbo waiting to hear “Little pig, little pig, and see Negan and Lucille. The hope is still here but the expectation for it to not work out is still here as well and it is much heavier and feels much stronger than that slight glint of hop.


    If you made it to the end of this ramble I thank you and hope the spelling and grammar mistakes where not too bad dyslexia is cruel and spell check hates me half the time. At any rate I put this out there to get it out of my head, and with the hope (see that little ass just will not die) mayhaps it will help someone to know they are not alone.

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  • Author
    • #140426

      So I am going to keep posting updates, I hope it helps someone in some way, even if it is making you feel better because you whine less than I do.

      Two weeks ago my girlfriend and I split the list of HRT Doctors that my insurance caseworker compiled and started calling them. Leaving voice mail left and right Okay there were only 6 names on it but still. A week goes by I email my caseworker telling her looks like the list was a no go. My girlfriend and I decided to call everyday until we talked to someone other than voice mail. We after a few days we got a call back, and were told let me get all the information for you and call you tomorrow, tomorrow came and went no call, so Monday comes around and we call back and it’s voicemail again so I was ready to say screw you, your family and doubly screw your mom for giving birth to you. Tuesday afternoon my girlfriend gets a call and it’s the doctors office. “I apologize for not calling sooner I just wanted to make sure we had every bit of information for you so you can get started, and we can see her at 15:00 Wednesday all we need is any information from any provider she has seen. If that time will not work we can look at other appointments and get you set up as fast as possible.”

      My girlfriend calls me tells me I have a panic attack, because new doctor new staff new place, but I say keep the time I’m afraid they will change their mind. So Wednesday I pack up all of my medical information, drove myself to the office checked in was given the paperwork to fill out and picked the chair as far away from everyone I could while still being in the office. I no sooner sat down then I hear them calling me back. (Apparent, my girlfriend explained to them about my issues with being around strangers and in strange places so they decided to get me in a privet room as soon as I came in, to make everything easier on me.)

      I met my medical hippy Marah, she sat for an hour and a half talking to me (mostly to get me used to her so I didn’t have panic attacks when I come see them) I expected to have to do bloodwork and come back in a week or two but no she took me to see the vampire and while she was drawing my blood Marah sent in my scripts with a rush order. I broke down and cried I was so happy to finial be able to take another step on this long long road.


      So as of 06:30 this morning I have started HRT!!!!!!

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    • #140276
      Michelle Lawson

      Hallie, I could quote the old, ‘that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger’, but you’ve probably heard that 10000 times already. And I am always reminded of the old axiom about failing is actually a success because it just shows you the things that it wasn’t. And the tried and true, ‘practice makes perfect’. But you get the drift, millions and millions before you have experienced some degree, or maybe worse, of what you are going through. We have to keep those reminders in our head, realize that you can’t go from point A to B, without stopping at points A1, A2, A3……. A+n….. If you try, while you may succeed initially, later on, you just may find that one of those missed points was very important. These are all things, that we all, constantly remind ourselves of, in some form or fashion, each and every day of our lives. And I suspect, deep down, you do as well. Hugs, and please smell the flowers along the way….

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      • #140301

        Thank you, yes I keep those things in my head a long with the oldie “Always Forward”  which was my point, giving up is not an option. Are there days (sometimes weeks) where giving up feels like a great idea? Of cores who hasn’t felt like that from time to time.

        Really that is what I was trying to say along with getting out all the emotions no matter how bad it gets no matter how much I feel like it won’t work out, that little ember of hope is still there even if it give off no heat and it’s light is a speck, it is still there and embers with care can grow, they can become blinding fires. Late at night when you feel all alone, hated, and just so sick of everything and everyone that little ember is there to keep you going, and it will always be there you just may have to uncover it from the ashes, of your past attempt, but it is still there for you.

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