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Ladies, I really wasn’t sure how to title this thread, so forgive me if it doesn’t make sense to you.
This question is more concerning bathroom uses when out, either as male or female as I am part time so far. Living here in Ontario, Canada is a very accepting place and you are permitted to use public restrooms based on how you are presenting. So naturally when I’m out as Amy, I use the woman’s, and for Heaven’s sake I’d NEVER go in the men’s when presenting as Amy.
Public washrooms are usually well labelled but of course the actual layout of them varies,the one I need is sometimes left or right, first or second in the hallway. Some even have no assigned gender, though that’s rare here still.
It’s my perception which changes too. When I’ve been out as Amy, and it’s been many 100’s of times now I have no trouble instinctively going to the women’s and I’ve never gone to the men’s by mistake.
However when out as male I can’t the say the same thing. More than once I’ve looked at the signage and instinctively chose the women’s and walked in only to see the shocked look on a woman’s face, I quickly appologise and leave. Other times I look at the signage and think “What am I today, Oh, a guy” and choose the correct one. But it takes that extra thought!
Has anyone else had that experience? Is this some kind of dysphoria, as it seems to me it might be.
Thank you!
Amy
I haven’t had that issue much at all. It was always easy to remember to use the women’s room when I was out as Evelyn, and now that I’m full-time it’s just instinct. When I was still presenting as a guy, it wasn’t much thought to go to the men’s room. Now, I often wished that I could use the women’s room then, but it wasn’t an issue to go to the “correct” one. Actually, one time I had to go into the women’s room…I was on the emergency squad at work, and I was the first on the scene of a call to a person down in a women’s room. I just announced myself, and basically got an escort in by one of the women there. It felt a little odd to go in presenting as a guy, but once I got to the patient, that all went out of my thoughts.
And for another story, just last week one of the other women in my Aqua class was getting ready to head to the lockers…she dove into the men’s room to start with. It was a quick and embarrassed exit a moment later. It can happen at times. We just deal with it and get out as we can.
I don’t have a problem with knowing which restroom to use. But I recently had a bit of a scare when I went into the “correct” restroom. I still present as male when I visit my elderly father. But 2 years into transition, I “male fail” often. And it happened when I entered the men’s room at a local restaurant. Some guy thought I was a woman entering the men’s room and followed me in. Fortunately nothing came of it. But it was a wakeup call nonetheless.
The dysphoria I’ve experienced is with my body and mind. I’ve wanted to be a girl as long as I can remember. I don’t recall having dysphoria associated with decision making. But it sounds like you are wired differently and your thought process skews female. Maybe talking to a gender therapist would be a good idea?
/EA
“But it sounds like you are wired differently and your thought process skews female.”
It is interesting that you put your comment that way Emily. As some of you here on TGH know, I was recently informed by a doctor that I am an intersex female. I was raised as a male, but always knew I was supposed to be a female.
I’ve been doing copious amounts of research into being an intersex person, and one of the more intriguing things I found from listening to documentaries on intersex people is about their thought processes. Physically, we are a blend of male and female, and that includes our brains. Those who identified as female say they always felt and thought like a female. I know now that I am “wired differently, and my thoughts have always skewed female. Everything else was skewed female as well, my physical body, my mannerisms, movement, facial expressions, everything! Several ladies I work with have asked me where I learned to be so feminine. I said I never learned it, I’ve always been that way.
Did you know that at the Orillia public library there is a tampon dispenser in the MEN’S bathroom? No wonder we’re all confused! LOL!!
Yes, we live in quite a civilized place here in Ontario, Canada. That decision to include tampons in the library came about since there are trans men in the area who may still need them.
As Emily suggests, I too recommend councilling. I recently went to North Simcoe Muskoka Trans Health Services in Orillia to talk to a therapist. I felt reassured that I’m on the right track and was encouraged NOT to feel ashamed about my identity, but to be cautious nonetheless depending on the community.
So, I’ve embraced my local 2S-LGBTQA+ community where I can be the real me without fear. We go out often to events where “Barb” can strut her stuff and pee wherever she wants to. There’s nothing like strength in numbers!
All the best!
Barb
Amy:
I will almost always suggest that folks talk to a therapist experienced with gender issues. The reason is that, unless there is a reincarnation deal going on, this is a new experience for all of us. So, how would we know what’s going on?
You describe what seems to be a pretty straightforward situation, but it may not be. Talking with a therapist may reveal that there is something else going on. But, you won’t know until you ask.
Thank you to everyone for your replies, I’m not sure about a therapist but I’ll see how I go and perhaps it might be something I should do.
Amy
Realize that there is A LOT of fear and stigma in putting significant questions to ourselves regarding our gender identity or sexual orientation. It’s not unlike procrastination when we don’t want to deal with a difficult person or try to avoid making a difficult decision. Our minds want to choose the Path of Least Resistance. After all, its purpose, in part, is to protect us. Avoidance is often a good way to keep us from getting upset. Our minds will allow ourselves to be distracted rather than deal with whatever situation is in front of us. A therapist won’t let us get distracted or avoid what we really need to be thinking about or rationalize our thinking.
The bathroom thing, but why is it a thing?
First off not paying attention to what bathroom you are using is most likely not a dysphoria issue just one of paying attention to your surroundings. However not knowing or not paying attention to how you are presenting and going to a restroom based on feel is a sign you are more comfortable with who you are, and may or may not be a dysphoria thing. Most Trans folk get stuck up on their gender and are hyper-focused on it, right up till transition stealth happens. The fact you are so happy with self, and you are not concerned with gender is a good thing, this is almost an opposite of gender dysphoria witch is an extreme dissatisfaction with ones physical gender. Once you enter the wrong area and others give you “the look” I bet is where dysphoria might set in. Unfortunately we live in a society where for society to work it has to have rules, gender rules are in-place and have been in place for thousands of years, for a fringe group from few generations to think they know better is foolish, and to change the society rules just for them is just as foolish. It also does not mean the fringe group should be discounted or wiped out, this is also just as foolish as the ones who are on the fringe of society are always the ones who do the great deeds and change the world for the better. But enough of that, this is about you and bathrooms. I found that in some spots it is ‘A’okay to use a females bathroom when presenting, but in other locations it is not, in those times I just hold it in if I can. Just recently I was on vacation in Florida, I was at the pool deck, anyway the girls bathroom was being cleaned, and guess what a cis female (by presentation) was coming out of the guys restroom having just done her business. I did not care and neither did she. I recall the downtown Harrisburg club scene with me and my girl friends for a girls night out, the line for the girls restroom was a mile long so we went into the guys restroom. There was a troff and we both hiked up our skirts pulled it out and stood next to the line of astonished guys, we laughed for hours and hours after. Now I am not so rude anymore and have more dignity, but in that scene it was accepted, I think because we were all drunk guys included. However now in any location my spidey senses tell me it is not ok, I never tempt fate, also personally I try and avoid all public restrooms as they are dirty, and never sit on that seat, the hover is best, I grew up I so-pose.
My suggestion to you is keep being who you are, you are on the right track, continue to be happy and live your life as you want, just pay a bit closer attention to your surroundings.
Miriya
Thanks for that interesting answer Miriya. Lots of things to think about in there.
So perhaps I’m not dysphoric though I do love presenting as a female, and do feel as though it’s my real self, as I mentioned before. Which I always find weird as my guy self is the real me too and the one most people see. Though I find I’m out to more and more people my life is still very compartmentalized.
Here in Canada we are allowed to use washrooms which align with the gender we are presenting as, and from my perspective I would never go into the Men’s when out as Amy.
Thanks again for your reply!
Amy
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