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Where do I begin? It is now officially Fall, September has surrendered to October and it has been a whole month since my last entry. I stand in total awe at the ability of so many of you who actually write and contribute daily entries.
I’ve been overwhelmed, pure and simple, that is my only excuse. My mind races to keep up with all the things that are happening in our world, locally, globally, politically, and within my own life and continuing journey .
They say the only thing that remains constant is change, and there have been some changes in my life, good changes.
Two years ago I made an announcement that changed my life forever. I let the world know that I was transgender, and would be transitioning to living as the person I truly was and had always been, a woman named Lauren.
I am married. One of the most difficult things I’ve had to do in my life was telling my wife that the man she married, was actually, a woman.
When we met, there was instant connection between us, and we became very good friends. Several months later we married each other and became husband and wife.
Last month, in my latest entry, I shared what it is like to endure Gender Dysphoria. If you have been following my journal, you are aware that I have lived with that for almost my entire life. Typical thinking by a transgender person, is to believe that, by engaging in something as major as getting married, it would take your mind off of the insistent voice of, the woman inside.
It didn’t work. It never has.
Upon my announcement to live as the true person I am, it was decided that I needed to find my own place. Half way through last year I did and have been living there since.
She and I are still married, we’ve always maintained contact with each other, and we talk almost every night. This past summer we got together for the first time since separating and shared dinner on a patio, enjoying a warm summer evening together.
Another important part of my life has been learning and displaying the fine points of living as a woman. I have always been extremely feminine but hid it for most of my life, so finally letting the woman inside, go free, allowed her to take over control of my life. I have always had feminine mannerisms and had developed the ability to speak in a feminine voice many years ago.
I now “pass”, and am viewed by all my co workers and most people I encounter, as a woman…and, it turns out, I actually am!
Last Spring I developed a medical condition that required me to visit the local ER. The doctor who saw me, after going through my medical records, asking me many questions and telling me things about myself I’d never heard before, told me I’d come to the hospital with something quite common for women, a urinary tract infection. She said it was actually quite fitting, as I am an intersex person. She then placed her hand on my knee, saying, “Lauren, you ARE a woman!” She told me that my chromosomes are XXY and my hormone levels are high in estrogen.
Finding out that I am an intersex female has had some profound effects on relationships and on my own personal psyche. It was never my imagination, I have always been, a woman!
That knowledge, that I truly am, a woman, has wiped out any feelings of doubt that have dodged me through the years. My confidence in who I actually am has been raised dramatically, and my dear wife now knows that, and has accepted me for the person, and the woman, that I am, and was born as.
Until next time,
Lauren
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Hu-Mans are truly interesting in that sometimes our bodies do something in the background, but we don’t experience it in complete consciousness. So, between incomplete information and our own and societal pressures, it can take some time to get things really sorted. Had it not been for your illness, who knows when things would have evolved to a proper conclusion beyond what you had originally thought.
As I have aged, it has come to me that two of the most interesting things about Life are experience and discovery. Further, it works in both ways. Experience can put things in our path that wait, and demand, to be discovered. Discovery can lead us to seek different experiences. We may think that our lives are static, but we never know when that next WTF moment is going to happen that changes everything.
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Hi Lauren,
Truly I am happy for you. To be able to live as your feminine self and to do so with grounded confidence must be deeply satisfying.
I can only imagine such a life at this point.
Kind regards,
Charlene
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