Hardest time saying the words yet.

  • Creator
  • #119416
    Mallory Barbie

    Was it the hormones? The poor sleep? The stress ? Maybe burnout at work?

    I threw in the towel this week. I decided I could what if the question to death but there is only one way to know what employers can do to you… make an appointment and drop a couple of hundred dollars and sit down with a lawyer.

    Oh I tried all the other options first, and most places won’t say a word unless problems have already occurred. So once I’m fired they’ll tell me what I should have to have a hope of getting some justice? Seems too late.

    I found a lawyer who was considered friendly by the local community, and though he no longer practices employment law, he was very familiar with the ins and outs and even helped write legislation regarding equality for LGBT+ people. I knew this, and when I contacted them, I explained what I was looking for.

    well, today was the first time I actually had trouble saying the words, “I’m a transgender woman” I don’t know why. Emotionally I’ve been on a rollercoaster, so it might have been that. Fear, fear of hearing that I’m screwed no matter what I do was certainly there. I’m sleeping 4-5 hours a night if I’m lucky. A lot going on, so sleep is not my friend right now. And with what’s going on at work, I’m really burned out. So maybe a little column A or some column B maybe both.

    the good news is that I’m not totally screwed. In fact, I’m in a better and safer position that I thought I was, and as far as my religious corporation having exemption… turns out I found policies that can be used if necessary to defend me… the policies waiving their religious exemption, or their right to fire me because I go against their beliefs,

    I can now have some serious conversations about coming out full time. Which is priceless.

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  • Author
    • #119419

      Mallory, I understand your difficulty. I am. Christian, fundamental in “stripe”. My faith is the bedrock of my life.

      That being so, with the intention of being a person of integrity, I have told pastors church elders, my children, wife and siblings about my gender struggle. I have used phrases like, “I struggle with gender brokenness,” or “I struggle accepting my self as a male,” or “I struggle with being male; I want to be a woman.” Honestly, with all whom I talk to,  I dance all around the truth, without confidently affirming it. All those to whom I disclose accept me and my struggle, i.e. they accept that I am a male with a struggle, perhaps like one who struggles with alcohol or porn or fill-in-the-blank.

      I suspect if I were to come right out and confidently say, “I am a woman. I simply want to be authenticly related to as the woman I know myself to be,” reactions would be much more negative.

      At this point I am not ready to face those reactions so I define myself with words carefully chosen to prevent that wave of rejection. It is this refusal to be totally honest with others regardless of reaction that clearly tells me that I am not yet ready to transition.

      Perhaps the most important aspect of being part of this and the CDH community is that I can state plainly, “I am a woman; trans not withstanding; I AM a woman.” My thought is by stating it clearly here eventually I will come to accept it so fully in my heart, that in conversations I will be able to replace, “I am gender broken,” with, “I am a woman, and I am happy to be who I am.”

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