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I wrote my psychologist an email describing how I went through a rough week that caused me to be introspective. I will be 70 by the time I complete transition and healing. I try to be honest with myself about what I am doing to me, my prior life & wife, etc. Small things can cause large stirs in emotional well being. I am sharing the following because I am sure others may experience the same type of emotional challenge that I have faced.
Please note: I am not going to hurt myself. I am not going to commit suicide. So, don’t worry.
Hi Doctor,I know I will talk to you in two weeks, but I wanted to keep you filled in.Me and a couple other girls (real girls) are planning a sailing trip to the US VI in the Caribbean this coming October. I sail with them and they know me as Bern and as Lukcia.Anyway: I asked this male friend to be my second for the week of sailing…he said YES! A large Catamaran that easily 8 people plus a captain. We are hiring a captain.Now today: A business associate of my male friend’s has called my wife and is RIGHT NOW meeting with her at a restaurant / bar for a few beers.My wife will soon know (if not already) that I am trying to date this male friend. I still stand by my earlier statement: No intercourse until my current marriage is resolved, of course it may resolve tonight.Life is tough in the fast lane!On another note: Tonight, I went to a brewery / pub I like, visit regularly, but have been less accepting of Lukcia. I dressed up, and I wore my VFW hat. I even carried a copy of my 4 DD-214s (honorable discharge papers), one each for Vietnam, Desert Storm, Bosnia, and Iraqi Freedom. I put $40 in the till and went around and introduced myself and informed any veteran that their next beer was on me.Next thing I know I had two veterans at my table talking with me. Both accepted me as Lukcia (at least right then). I ended up talking about being a veteran of a lot of shit. It came to mind that maybe part of me really doesn’t want to be a man anymore; but where do you go? I often have to rethink how much I really wanted to be a girl since I was 4 years old, and many, many times since then. Part of me knows that as a man I often over-compensated, did many things I am not proud of, many things I am truly ashamed of.Is never wanting to be a man again a good enough reason to become a girl? I think that might be why I need to get rid of my face…I never want to see my old me again; I never want to be him again. Am I becoming a girl to control him?I feel confident that I really want to be a girl for all the right reason; to bad there are so many additional reasons. Fondly Lukcia(I email my doctor again and developed the story a bit)
Hi Again Doctor,
My wife came home from having beers quite pissed. She informed me that she could not live in the house with Lukcia. She also indicated that she will have her decision about what to do about me within 2 weeks. I am not sure what 2 weeks are about, but most likely a lawyer is involved. My male friend’s associate should have kept out of it, now what was to be months of slow tolerance training will be truncated due to her need to WARN my wife.
Of course, I won’t hold this against the associate, it was bound to happen, I was just hoping for a few more months. My wife needs to get her head on straight; I have done nothing but support her for 33 years, she has bullied me at every turn and on every decision, she has what she has because of my support; and now I am 68 years old, am useless as a male partner, and I was hoping she would be willing to learn to appreciate me as Lukcia. I really like me now: I am LukciaThank you for letting me talk to you, sometimes I just need to say something to someone. Right now, you are my someone!Fondly Lukcia <b>I AM LUKCIA!</b>NOTE:(I spent the next two days with a cold and distant wife, that also had to visit friends for most of both days. My male friend texted me that he can’t go on the trip, that he can’t give me what I want, and that we can still be friends. I know that “we can still be friends” is ancient code for “stay away from me”. This event caused me to reflect deeply. How often will similar event occur where friends are scared away, people that you thought were a friend move to protect your wife, or just always have something in conflict with any invitation offered? So, I wrote the last email to my doctor: see below.)Hi Doctor,I really needed to talk to you today. One way is OK, I just need to tell someone. I had a long talk with my suicide today. I have been a Zen Buddhist for over 40 years, so I can do that type of thing. Most people don’t know that death is always with us: death is to your left, one arm’s length out and one arm’s length back. This is a fundamental principle of Zen Buddhists’. One lives with their life and their death all the time, no exceptions! The touch of death is not a final thing: to be touched by death is usually a gift to remind one of life. Someday death will embrace us all, and at that point one will go only to “away”. Away from life is a critical concept.How much pain does one sustain before one sees the balance move to the unknown being better than the known? That is the problem with not being stupid; I can see so many paths ahead of me, and so many of them don’t have a significant plus-side happiness. It’s weird that I want life to give me so many happy things because I really love life, I love its potential to live up to expectations, I love its ability to let me down and challenge me to go on. Have I lived enough of it already, is there enough of it left to give me any of the things I so long have dreamed of? I don’t know, so I asked, not my death, but my suicide to talk to me today.Ms. Suicide came to me naturally (see: she is a girl suicide), and she stood tall some 100 yards away, slightly uphill. She waved to me and said “I am here, but I will never come to you”. I started to walk towards her, but every step revealed a piece of my life: a joy, a hurt, a goal, a failure, an opportunity lost, an opportunity taken, a dream supported, a dream crushed. I had to step through these segments of my life, I had to experience all the joy and all the pain yet again. I ended up wondering how I made it this far. Yet with every step, in the distance I could see that moment’s cornucopia of what could be. I didn’t just experience the joy and the pain, but also the hopes and the dreams of that moment. I looked up and told her that I can’t come to you today: I owe my courage a chance to find a hope and a dream worthy of what time I have left. I let her know that I may still visit her yet; but if I do, it will be with courage, and not as a coward.So, don’t worry… I am not committing suicide today, or any day in the near future.I really want to find out who I might have been if I was allowed to be a girl so long ago. For now, I am going to blame everything on an overly progressive society. Hell: If I were in Iraq being a girl would be / is a major problem!! See, still a sense of humor. I am going to go through with this, if for no other reason then I need to know who I might have been. I never thought I would dreams might be limited to become someone’s GrandmotherKnowing that you are out there, knowing that you read my emails is a security blanket for me. I am entering the “You are alone” phase of transition to a woman; the part where people finally realize you are really doing this. Everybody has to decide to fish or cut bait; stupid analogy: accept or reject. Zen Buddhism has saved my life many times; I do not live in the value structure of others, if I did my life would be as a piece of wood in a stream of everyone else’s expectations. I do not live in the shadow of other’s failures, if I did then I would have fears of which I don’t know the legitimacy or cause. I do not live in the cloud of other’s hope and dreams, If I did then I might fail to seek my own.Wow, I cried through most of this email.Thank you LukciaNOTE:My doctor contacted me immediately. Talked me through us both being confident I was not going to hurt myself. I knew I was not going to hurt myself, so maybe I should have saved this conversation for our regularly scheduled session instead of late that evening.I can still see many paths to my future, and some really suck. Others paths are happy and have friends, a few have lovers, all have me cooking for my community. So, I remembered that throughout life’s moments: I could see that moment’s cornucopia of what could be. I didn’t just experience the joy and the pain, but also the hopes and the dreams of that moment.I pray that all of you have a good doctor like mine. That you all can see happy paths in your future.Never lose sight of your hopes and dreams.Lukcia
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