Have you ever talked to yourself and/or your psychologist about suicide?

If you feel like hurting yourself; do you have a trusted friend or doctor to talk to?

The poll is to ask people to ask themselves this very important question

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  • #110121

    I wrote my psychologist an email describing how I went through a rough week that caused me to be introspective.  I will be 70 by the time I complete transition and healing.  I try to be honest with myself about what I am doing to me, my prior life & wife, etc.  Small things can cause large stirs in emotional well being.  I am sharing the following because I am sure others may experience the same type of emotional challenge that I have faced.

    Please note: I am not going to hurt myself.  I am not going to commit suicide.  So, don’t worry.

    Hi Doctor,

    I know I will talk to you in two weeks, but I wanted to keep you filled in.
    Me and a couple other girls (real girls) are planning a sailing trip to the US VI in the Caribbean this coming October.  I sail with them and they know me as Bern and as Lukcia.
    Anyway: I asked this male friend to be my second for the week of sailing…he said YES!  A large Catamaran that easily 8 people plus a captain.  We are hiring a captain.
    Now today:  A business associate of my male friend’s has called my wife and is RIGHT NOW meeting with her at a restaurant / bar for a few beers.
    My wife will soon know (if not already) that I am trying to date this male friend.  I still stand by my earlier statement: No intercourse until my current marriage is resolved, of course it may resolve tonight.
    Life is tough in the fast lane!
    On another note:  Tonight, I went to a brewery / pub I like, visit regularly, but have been less accepting of Lukcia.  I dressed up, and I wore my VFW hat.  I even carried a copy of my 4 DD-214s (honorable discharge papers), one each for Vietnam, Desert Storm, Bosnia, and Iraqi Freedom.  I put $40 in the till and went around and introduced myself and informed any veteran that their next beer was on me.
    Next thing I know I had two veterans at my table talking with me.  Both accepted me as Lukcia (at least right then).  I ended up talking about being a veteran of a lot of shit.  It came to mind that maybe part of me really doesn’t want to be a man anymore; but where do you go?  I often have to rethink how much I really wanted to be a girl since I was 4 years old, and many, many times since then.  Part of me knows that as a man I often over-compensated, did many things I am not proud of, many things I am truly ashamed of.
    Is never wanting to be a man again a good enough reason to become a girl?  I think that might be why I need to get rid of my face…I never want to see my old me again; I never want to be him again.  Am I becoming a girl to control him?
    I feel confident that I really want to be a girl for all the right reason; to bad there are so many additional reasons.      Fondly Lukcia
    (I email my doctor again and developed the story a bit)

    Hi Again Doctor,

    My wife came home from having beers quite pissed.  She informed me that she could not live in the house with Lukcia.  She also indicated that she will have her decision about what to do about me within 2 weeks.  I am not sure what 2 weeks are about, but most likely a lawyer is involved.  My male friend’s associate should have kept out of it, now what was to be months of slow tolerance training will be truncated due to her need to WARN my wife.

    Of course, I won’t hold this against the associate, it was bound to happen, I was just hoping for a few more months.  My wife needs to get her head on straight; I have done nothing but support her for 33 years, she has bullied me at every turn and on every decision, she has what she has because of my support; and now I am 68 years old, am useless as a male partner, and I was hoping she would be willing to learn to appreciate me as Lukcia.   I really like me now: I am Lukcia

    Thank you for letting me talk to you, sometimes I just need to say something to someone.  Right now, you are my someone!
    Fondly Lukcia    <b>I AM LUKCIA!</b>
    (I spent the next two days with a cold and distant wife, that also had to visit friends for most of both days.  My male friend texted me that he can’t go on the trip, that he can’t give me what I want, and that we can still be friends.  I know that “we can still be friends” is ancient code for “stay away from me”.  This event caused me to reflect deeply.  How often will similar event occur where friends are scared away, people that you thought were a friend move to protect your wife, or just always have something in conflict with any invitation offered?  So, I wrote the last email to my doctor: see below.)
    Hi Doctor,
    I really needed to talk to you today.  One way is OK, I just need to tell someone.  I had a long talk with my suicide today.  I have been a Zen Buddhist for over 40 years, so I can do that type of thing.  Most people don’t know that death is always with us: death is to your left, one arm’s length out and one arm’s length back.  This is a fundamental principle of Zen Buddhists’.  One lives with their life and their death all the time, no exceptions!  The touch of death is not a final thing: to be touched by death is usually a gift to remind one of life.  Someday death will embrace us all, and at that point one will go only to “away”.  Away from life is a critical concept.
    How much pain does one sustain before one sees the balance move to the unknown being better than the known?  That is the problem with not being stupid; I can see so many paths ahead of me, and so many of them don’t have a significant plus-side happiness.  It’s weird that I want life to give me so many happy things because I really love life, I love its potential to live up to expectations, I love its ability to let me down and challenge me to go on.  Have I lived enough of it already, is there enough of it left to give me any of the things I so long have dreamed of?  I don’t know, so I asked, not my death, but my suicide to talk to me today.
    Ms. Suicide came to me naturally (see: she is a girl suicide), and she stood tall some 100 yards away, slightly uphill.  She waved to me and said “I am here, but I will never come to you”.  I started to walk towards her, but every step revealed a piece of my life: a joy, a hurt, a goal, a failure, an opportunity lost, an opportunity taken, a dream supported, a dream crushed.  I had to step through these segments of my life, I had to experience all the joy and all the pain yet again.  I ended up wondering how I made it this far.  Yet with every step, in the distance I could see that moment’s cornucopia of what could be.  I didn’t just experience the joy and the pain, but also the hopes and the dreams of that moment.  I looked up and told her that I can’t come to you today: I owe my courage a chance to find a hope and a dream worthy of what time I have left.  I let her know that I may still visit her yet; but if I do, it will be with courage, and not as a coward.
    So, don’t worry… I am not committing suicide today, or any day in the near future.
    I really want to find out who I might have been if I was allowed to be a girl so long ago.  For now, I am going to blame everything on an overly progressive society.  Hell: If I were in Iraq being a girl would be / is a major problem!!  See, still a sense of humor.  I am going to go through with this, if for no other reason then I need to know who I might have been.  I never thought I would dreams might be limited to become someone’s Grandmother
    Knowing that you are out there, knowing that you read my emails is a security blanket for me.  I am entering the “You are alone” phase of transition to a woman; the part where people finally realize you are really doing this.  Everybody has to decide to fish or cut bait; stupid analogy: accept or reject.  Zen Buddhism has saved my life many times; I do not live in the value structure of others, if I did my life would be as a piece of wood in a stream of everyone else’s expectations.  I do not live in the shadow of other’s failures, if I did then I would have fears of which I don’t know the legitimacy or cause.  I do not live in the cloud of other’s hope and dreams, If I did then I might fail to seek my own.
    Wow, I cried through most of this email.
    Thank you Lukcia
    My doctor contacted me immediately.  Talked me through us both being confident I was not going to hurt myself.  I knew I was not going to hurt myself, so maybe I should have saved this conversation for our regularly scheduled session instead of late that evening.
    I can still see many paths to my future, and some really suck.  Others paths are happy and have friends, a few have lovers, all have me cooking for my community.  So, I remembered that throughout life’s moments: I could see that moment’s cornucopia of what could be.  I didn’t just experience the joy and the pain, but also the hopes and the dreams of that moment.
    I pray that all of you have a good doctor like mine.  That you all can see happy paths in your future.
    Never lose sight of your hopes and dreams.
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  • Author
    • #110230

      I chose not to answer this , and i’m not going to , its and is so personal . I would say most here have had a thought of self harm , to what extent ? , only each person here would know . I have never had a psychologist , only one close friend now in my life most are gone , so yes i talk to myself , i always pray i am not going off the deep end so to speak . I’m Leslie now , i’ve gone as far as i can as her with no meds or surgery done , and i choose not to die at my own hand because of my choices , i will stay strong and enjoy being me as much as i possibly can . I hope all here are safe from any harm by themselves or anyone else , celebrate your self , buy a new dress , do something for your girly self , you deserve enjoying who you are . All my love to you all . Leslie

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #110197

      Hi I am also a Maine girl what was helping me a lot was Trans support groups in person . I am hopping they get back to in person soon again . I love getting all dolled up and going to places and being seen . We need to be seen and feel proud of who we are . It will make it easier for the next generation if we are out and proud .  And it has been getting better for all of use but there’s a lot more that needs to change. I am not always proud I deal with depression , shame , quilt , and a few more. I to have had thoughts of just quitting but I cant .  I love when I am proud and I live for that . I believe I was born trans and I was trained to be a man . When I was in high school I would go out and get drunk and come home and dress up and pass out . My mother would wake me up the next morning and be pissed not that I went out and got drunk but because I was dressed like a girl . When I was real young I was sent to my room or shamed . Any ways just let me be and happy pride month

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #110238

        I can relate. My parents would’ve been proud of me if I had ever stayed out all night and come home drunk. One time when I was in high school, I got a beer for my father, my mother told me to open it for him. When I did, I got beer all over my hands. I handed him the can and immediately went inside to wash my hands. My mother was so disappointed in me. She glared at me – actually glared at me – as she said, “Other teenagers would’ve been licking it off their hands.” I don’t even want to imagine how much more disappointed – how much more hated I would’ve been – if anyone in my family knew the person I really was inside.


        I’m so sorry for all the pain you’ve experienced over the course of your life for being yourself.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #110146

      I’m not sure why I’m not getting invites because of my transitioning or my divorcee, it just feels like since I been out full time for 9 Mo. that people understand this for real, he’s not coming back, I have to say it hurts every party, birthday, holiday and wedding my wife and kids get invites but not me, no apologies or phone calls nothing. I can just say I that I have spent a lot of time crying and understanding, People tell me how happy they are for and tell me how brave I am to be my true self, but I guess I not good enough to hang out with. So any suggestion how fix these problems?

      I feel your pain and the same thing bothered me a lot until the shrinks got my head straight, but no longer. If they don’t want to include you in their lives then, bluntly, they aren’t your friends. In all likelihood  they never really were. I now realise that many of my friends did the minimum they could in order to take advantage in some way from running them around to helping them when needed. At some point there will be a moment when this is confirmed to you, I didn’t believe it either until it happened;

      A long standing friend was about to celebrate his 25th wedding anniversary with a woman who I’d introduced him to and even set up their blind date for. Natasha had been out for about 6 months and he’d said ‘you are invited to the bash and are welcome however you arrive.’ He lied. No invite, nothing, but I’d prepared an alternative just in case. Which was brilliant.

      Heard nothing for months then we bumped into each other socially and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. I made my excuses to the host and went to pass this guy to retrieve my coat. He says ‘Oh Hi deadname I was just thinking about you the other day.’ I just looked at him and said ‘Why? Did you need me to do something for you for free again?’ Brushed past and exit stage left. Right then everything was alright again. Karma is a bitch and sometimes acts through others. I had no idea where that comment came from and it’s totally out of character for me.

      So yes Timmie, Lukcia and Autumn I have talked, it wasn’t easy but it certainly set me on the road out of the deep dark woods and I think that is about all it can do. We have to make the journey alone with or without people to assist you along the way.

      Don’t let the darkness consume you. It will win in the end but that should be a very long way down the road.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #110141

      Well Lukcia, I’m glad you talk to your doctor and suicide, so you can be here to help other understand that they are not the only one who think’s about suicide. I have some of the same problem or similar to yours. I’m not sure why I’m not getting invites because of my transitioning or my divorcee, it just feels like since I been out full time for 9 Mo. that people understand this for real, he’s not coming back, I have to say it hurts every party, birthday, holiday and wedding my wife and kids get invites but not me, no apologies or phone calls nothing. I can just say I that I have spent a lot of time crying and understanding,  People tell me how happy they are for and tell me how brave I am to be my true self, but I guess I not good enough to hang out with.

      So any suggestion how fix these problems? My one shrink said to go out group meeting and make new friends, which is a good idea, but part of my problems is not just close friends, it’s family just as much.   Thank for listening.

      Love to all






      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #110184


        Natasha got it right.  Your true friends will stick by you; girl, boy, whatever!  I lost most of my prior friends and most of my immediate family as friends.  Really in the long run it doesn’t matter who sticks by you and who abandons you for this, or any other reason.  Life takes courage.  Having courage takes courage.  You have to believe in the glory of each day independent of anyone else:  the day is beautiful because you are alive and you are stepping out!!

        An old sailor once told me how to tell if someone is a true sailor:  True sailors step into the boat with both feet!  Step into your life with both feet.  Find happiness in a pretty bird, a friendly cat, a good cup of coffee, a summer breeze.  For a while you have to find your own happiness; and while you are walking around happy: you will be attractive as a person & a woman.  People respond to happy people better then sad people.

        Find happiness in little things, and with time the little things will come together and become your life.



        4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #110134

      I do what I can to keep myself alive, and I’m still very tempted to harm myself. But I don’t. Some days are more difficult than others, but I’m still here. I’m starting to think the only reason I don’t go through with it is because of Autumn. Maybe it’s because of the the time when she gets to come out of her shell when I’m safe at home that keeps me from harming myself. Thinking about it a little more now, Autumn is the only part of me I care about. The only part of me worth caring about.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #110140

        Prior to Autumn there was a man that cared enough to see through himself and visualize Autumn.  Whatever is left of that man is allowing himself and Autumn to prioritize Autumn in your life.

        Before I became Lukcia; I was secretly Lukcia inside, and when safely at home I would let Lukcia bloom.  I am fully out everywhere now, but it took years.

        As the man I was, I was in retirement rapidly becoming dysfunctional,  I was destroying my health and my wife’s health.  I was destroying our marriage and collapsing both of our dreams.  Becoming Lukcia saved me from my earlier self.  Now I have to go through some more hell as everything changes; but this time changes for the better.

        So Autumn, you dance your Happy-Girl-Dance in the safety of your home, but always keep Autumn inside waiting to help you be a healthier and happier man knowing that she is there.  Her time will come.

        What a beautiful name: Autumn, in Maine that is when the whole state breaks out in a rainbow of colors.



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