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I’m a relative new comer. I have an account on CDH and have been lurking around in the forums for a little while but only posted a scant few times. I’m terribly shy, and honestly find it hard to actually talk about this stuff… at all really. So please bear with me.
I have always known I’ve wanted to be female, but denied myself anything feminine (clothes, makeup, etc.), even the label of “trans” out of fear, shame, and the knowledge that once I started I likely wouldn’t be able to stop. It didn’t help matters that growing up my parents periodically watch Jerry Springer to laugh at the “freak show” that he had lined up. I always feared that if I actually went for “a change” myself, that it might be me up there one day… and while I’m a little ashamed to admit it; I didn’t want to end up looking like many of the “worse” looking ones…
Years go by, and my interest only increases. Quite by chance (or at the very least, algorithmic ad campaigns) I found a cross dressing supply shop (Roanyer). As I searched throughout the inventory they had, I realised… none of that would fit me. I’m a little obese, I always figured “why improve something you don’t want? ESPECIALLY if it is only gonna improve in ways you don’t want.” Only this year I found a full breast plate in a size that could actually fit me, and I was mesmerized. I ended up buying it, and honestly it’s probably a little too big. But it made me very very happy to see that I had breasts… even saying it now it’s hard to really imagine. They’re fake, heavy and off colored… and I LOVE them more than I can say… but it sparked my worst fear; I don’t want to stop.
After a good bit o soul searching I ended up asking myself, “Am I trans? What does that mean for me? What does that mean TO me?” Honestly looking back… the answers to those and a good deal more of those questions seem obvious now.
I know that this is running long… and perhaps a little too much like a biography, but I think I’ve finally come to grips of what I am, what I am not, and what I REALLY want. I’d say it didn’t take that long to really figure out, but unless I’ve missed my guess it’s taken the better part of between 22 and 25 years to admit.
With all that in mind, I just yesterday confessed all that to my Mother and Step Dad, and am currently working down the list to telling the rest of my family.
Now that the backstory is done, I’ve got a bit of a confession to make… I know precious little about the procedure to go from here. I mean, I have a semi-clear idea of what I want my “end state” to be but beyond a few things I’ve read, like you must live a whole year as your intended gender, and hearing about HRT… I’m kinda at a loss as to the next steps to take. I am planning to talk about this with my therapist, but any more info you all could give me would be a true godsend! Even the mundane would be extremely appreciated.
Thank you all for listening
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