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  • #102971
    Nikky Junction

    I’m a relative new comer. I have an account on CDH and have been lurking around in the forums for a little while but only posted a scant few times. I’m terribly shy, and honestly find it hard to actually talk about this stuff… at all really. So please bear with me.


    I have always known I’ve wanted to be female, but denied myself anything feminine (clothes, makeup, etc.), even the label of “trans” out of fear, shame, and the knowledge that once I started I likely wouldn’t be able to stop. It didn’t help matters that growing up my parents periodically watch Jerry Springer to laugh at the “freak show” that he had lined up. I always feared that if I actually went for “a change” myself, that it might be me up there one day… and while I’m a little ashamed to admit it; I didn’t want to end up looking like many of the “worse” looking ones…


    Years go by, and my interest only increases. Quite by chance (or at the very least, algorithmic ad campaigns)  I found a cross dressing supply shop (Roanyer). As I searched throughout the inventory they had, I realised… none of that would fit me. I’m a little obese, I always figured “why improve something you don’t want? ESPECIALLY if it is only gonna improve in ways you don’t want.” Only this year I found a full breast plate in a size that could actually fit me, and I was mesmerized. I ended up buying it, and honestly it’s probably a little too big. But it made me very very happy to see that I had breasts… even saying it now it’s hard to really imagine. They’re fake, heavy and off colored… and I LOVE them more than I can say… but it sparked my worst fear; I don’t want to stop.


    After a good bit o soul searching I ended up asking myself,  “Am I trans? What does that mean for me? What does that mean TO me?” Honestly looking back… the answers to those and a good deal more of those questions seem obvious now.


    I know that this is running long… and perhaps a little too much like a biography, but I think I’ve finally come to grips of what I am, what I am not, and what I REALLY want. I’d say it didn’t take that long to really figure out, but unless I’ve missed my guess it’s taken the better part of between 22 and 25 years to admit.

    With all that in mind, I just yesterday confessed all that to my Mother and Step Dad, and am currently working down the list to telling the rest of my family.


    Now that the backstory is done, I’ve got a bit of a confession to make… I know precious little about the procedure to go from here. I mean, I have a semi-clear idea of what I want my “end state” to be but beyond a few things I’ve read, like you must live a whole year as your intended gender, and hearing about HRT… I’m kinda at a loss as to the next steps to take. I am planning to talk about this with my therapist, but any more info you all could give me would be a true godsend! Even the mundane would be extremely appreciated.


    Thank you all for listening


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  • Author
    • #103290
      DeeAnn Hopings


      Is your therapist experienced in gender issues? That is often a major hurdle as many good therapists don’t have that experience or interest.

      It is important to think of this discovery process as a journey. I don’t know what your age is, but if you are in your 30’s or whatever, that’s how long it took to get to this point. Things are not going to be sorted in the next few weeks. Decisions about going forward shouldn’t be rushed. There’s a lot to consider and process. As always, everything that we do has consequences, and that needs to be understood as each step is dealt with.

      I encourage you to complete your Profile page. It can be updated at any time. All threads eventually wind up at the bottom of the heap, but the Profile page is always easily accessible. It helps other members understand your situation and what you may be running into that is difficult.

      Also, if you would like to search for other members in your area, click on Social and then Member Directory

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #103295

        She’s said she has helped 2 others, one who had transitioned, and one who was. She doesn’t specialize in trans patients but this week she scheduled a meeting with her college who IS a trans specialist so I’m excited to see how our next session goes, and i get the feeling she is too.


        As for going slowly… Yeah, truth be told I don’t think there’s really any other way to do this… But I can say that every day for about an hour i think on this, all I’ve done for myself, and whether or not it’s worth it. I’m very certain for now, but i will admit some trepidation upon reading into the surgeries and procedures… But I’ve got time to come to grips with them or to bail or even decide enough is enough.


        And as for my profile… I did fill it out, but deleted everything on it after I got an extremely unhelpful reply that felt dismissive and kinda hurtful… Been tring to decide whether or not I should stay…

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        • #109799
          DeeAnn Hopings

          While some therapists do specialize in working with trans patients, perhaps every therapist may not feel that way even though they do have experience. However, I take it as a very good sign that she is willing to learn. Not everyone would be willing to do that.

          The origin of the point I was making about impatience has to do with my experiences on another forum. Younger folks often felt like they needed to understand everything NOW. Clearly that is not a good strategy. From my own experience, while we can have an understanding of things, we’re talking about potentially life altering decisions that need to get internalized. It takes time to get used to a very different way of looking at ourselves and thinking about ourselves because it goes against all of the expectations that the world has had for us. Conditioning is a powerful force and won’t relax easily.

          As something to think about, every trans person does not have affirmation surgeries. I think that is what the general populace thinks, but I believe it is somewhere around only 30%. There are various reasons for this. If you don’t have insurance coverage, many do not have the means to afford the surgeries. Some people are poor medical risks for significant surgeries. Some cannot be away from their jobs for the 6 weeks that is needed for recovery. Same also applies if you are a caregiver for someone and you cannot find a temporary replacement. And finally, some just do not want to sign up for fairly invasive surgeries.

          Personally, I am not doing HRT and have no plans for surgery. Your Milage May Vary!

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        • #103333

          Hi Nikki , it’s a bit of a mind ” F ” when a person knows the social retribution that follows after coming out  – I never new about even trying to date since 5 years old – it’s not normal living isolated for over 5 decades and I still don’t feel I’m in the LGBTQ world  and I’ve had all the surgeries with No regrets – you know up to a point a therapist can relieve some doubt that your not loosing your mind – if your truly like in my case feel female from very young then it’s real and you know in your heart ” this is the way you were born ” – acceptance toward yourself is paramount and people around you will see this – there are some that are socially brainwashed and give you the gears but the majority will support who you feel you are – it’s not a dirty thing to be woman ( female ) it’s part of your soul and you already know therapist or not who you are – Krystal

          1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #103012

      Hi, Nikky.  Welcome.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #103003
      Terri Anne

      Hi Nikky,

      I am happy to see you here in our wonderful, accepting, loving, helpful community where you can be safe and be yourself.

      Gain the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
      My hope is that you will find many of the answers you need and become comfortable here and make many new friends.

      Glad you found us,
      Terri Anne, Ambassador

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #102980

      Hi Nikky ,Yah ! it’s a bit of a mind ” F ” isn’t it – if your truly transgender it doesn’t go away and you’ll learn that your brain was geared right from birth – I’ve seen shows , movies about being transgendered and I too was mesmerized ” is that who I am ” I’m all finally switched over physically and legally  and way better off – things aren’t perfect – I purged clothing at one time / falsified a prescription once / started electrolysis secretly then quit because of shame and  so much more I could tell Circa 1981 but my internal desire started around 5 years old – never would even date because I wanted to be myself first – very selfish I guess on my part  but the socially accepted CIS gender system in no way could keep my natural feelings of being female – once you accept yourself life does get better – having for myself a Windows 10 programming doesn’t work with an Apple mechanical platform , there two different animals – I live , work , eat , function totally female , No regrets being a girl – out of a world population of about 7.2 billion people does it really matter if there’s one more female ” I think not ” It’s not dirty to be female ” a girl ” and that’s who I am and I’m not ever going back – XO – Krystal Garven , Burnaby , BC  , Canada .

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #102977

      Hi Nikky welcome 🙂 congratulations on coming out to your mother and stepfather I hope they were accepting and offer you support, like you I suppressed my feelings for many, many years, I’m 40 now but only accepted things to myself 6 months ago, what I have found is this community is very welcoming and helpful, I’ve found peace in myself since realising who I am but like yourself I can be overwhelmed at times with everything involved i.e hrt, coming out to family and friends, the social transition and coming to terms with the consequences of what transitioning entails, I very much hope that you can find help off this community in answering any questions and worries you may have, in always available for a chat if needed.

      Take care Antonia

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