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Hi all, I’ll try to be brief, but i may get carried away!
My name is Adam, Im 52, married with two adult children, and still married to my wife, although we spend about half the time apart. The current situation arose when i had a breakdown in early March 2020. Ive been on antidepressants for many years, and was in a stressful job, adding to a home life that left me feeling unsatisfied.
I ran away from it all to the Lake District to stay with a close friend, and was able to buy a static caravan to live in, and got a delivery job with a supermarket. Later, i helped my wife and family move up, and she got her own house.
My caravan is called Ataraxia, which means tranquility, as that is the feeling it gives me.
I was a teen in the late eighties, and have always felt socially awkward. Being a rocker, i grew my hair long ( and was often told by female friends how lovely it was) and had very occasionally tried on women’s underwear. I didn’t want to be a girl, but felt on the outside of my male social group.
I wasn’t diagnosed with depression until i was 30, and any attempt by myself to find the root of it was unsuccessful, only leading to guilt about who and what i blamed.
Back then we didnt have the resources or understanding of gender outside of male, female or gay, and the only certainly i had was that i wasnt gay.
As life went on, i did try on a dress now and then for a laugh, and i felt good, but still guilty.
Ive always worked in very male oriented environments, so have never been able to express myself fully. To be honest, ive not really considered the idea of being transgender until last year.
I am trying to keep this brief 😉
Thankfully, im slim built, not particularly muscular or hairy, so when i started gradually increasing how much hair i removed, it wasnt that noticeable. I told my wife i didn’t see the point of having hairy carves and wispy bits everywhere else and that was an acceptable excuse.
When i bought my first corset dress, i was close to tears as i put it on, and not just because it was tight. I felt such a feeling of release. Looked at myself in the mirror and saw the real me for the first time in my life. Ive never cared much for fashion, or what i wore, as i always thought i looked awkward, so its a new sensation for me to feel attractive and really good about what im wearing.
So that is where im at now, looking back wondering if that is the root of my anxiety and depression.
I am Andrea, and pleased to meet me!
Where do i go from here?
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