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Hello, I’m Christine
My earliest memories are of desperately wanting to be female, going to bed each night praying I’d wake up a girl. Since then I’ve always ‘felt’ that I was assigned the wrong gender & have lived a confused existence ever since. I still continually question if I’m transgender, a cross dresser or simply different & have tried to find an answer for far too long.
My early years were happy, secretly trying on my mum’s clothes & enjoying playing with other girls. However, in my teens I found the development of male attributes horrifying. I still desperately wanted to be female & was often bullied at school for being a sissy. My early relationships with women all failed as a result of my gender disconnect & I was never interested in dating men.
From 21 I lived with a bisexual cis female. We had a fantastic relationship for over 8 years, allowing me to explore my gender & sexuality. Unfortunately, our relationship deteriorated as I became more feminine. After 18 months of unhappiness, I was forced to walk away from her, our home & possessions. With a lot of work & family support, I eventually started again. Living alone was challenging and I didn’t have the freedom to be myself that I’d previously enjoyed. I tried to keep occupied and ‘hide’ my needs, but this frequently became impossible. A cycle of denial & resurgence began, interspersed with another failed relationship. Eventually I focused on voluntary work & eventually lost interest in myself.
I have fantastic friends, a very lovely mum who can’t accept that I’d have been far happier as her daughter & a stepsister who has no idea about my gender issues.
Now in my mid-fifties, I see life passing by increasingly quickly. So, over the last few months I have allowed my real self a lot more freedom and have started to be happier again. It’s now very unlikely I’ll ever be able to pass, so I’m not chasing a rainbow. However, I’d be so relieved to find ways of making life more bearable, mentally, emotionally & even physically.
Hello Christine!
I’m new to Transgender Heaven also! Thanks for sharing your story. I also have continually questioned my gender identity. I associate my gender identity as a transgender woman, but sometimes (not often, but sometimes) I feel I don’t want to completely let go of my male self. Gender identity is a wide spectrum (in my opinion). I wish you peace and happiness!
Shannon
Hello Shannon
It’s truly lovely to hear from you. Thanks for sharing, it’s appreciated.
Like you, I most comfortably associate with being female. I’ve never been able to summon up interest in masculine traits. My biggest hope is that one day I’ll stop questioning myself. Would you agree this can be truly exhausting?
One thing that I do know for sure is that inside I’ll always be me. It’s a good thing to hold onto.
I wish you good fortune with your journey and hope it takes you to happy places.
Christine
Yes, it’s true that those of us that start transitioning later in life with likely never pass, but what I’ve found is the further you go in your journey, the happier you are just to “pass” as you. Loving and accepting yourself and letting yourself be as damn feminine as you want is the best feeling in the world. I’m ten years ahead, getting ready to start hormones at 44. But it’s never too late to be yourself. It’s never too late to allow yourself to be happy.
Have courage, be strong, and be you. That sounds too much like a cat poster. 😀
<3 Emily
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