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Hello, I’m Christine
My earliest memories are of desperately wanting to be female, going to bed each night praying I’d wake up a girl. Since then I’ve always ‘felt’ that I was assigned the wrong gender & have lived a confused existence ever since. I still continually question if I’m transgender, a cross dresser or simply different & have tried to find an answer for far too long.
My early years were happy, secretly trying on my mum’s clothes & enjoying playing with other girls. However, in my teens I found the development of male attributes horrifying. I still desperately wanted to be female & was often bullied at school for being a sissy. My early relationships with women all failed as a result of my gender disconnect & I was never interested in dating men.
From 21 I lived with a bisexual cis female. We had a fantastic relationship for over 8 years, allowing me to explore my gender & sexuality. Unfortunately, our relationship deteriorated as I became more feminine. After 18 months of unhappiness, I was forced to walk away from her, our home & possessions. With a lot of work & family support, I eventually started again. Living alone was challenging and I didn’t have the freedom to be myself that I’d previously enjoyed. I tried to keep occupied and ‘hide’ my needs, but this frequently became impossible. A cycle of denial & resurgence began, interspersed with another failed relationship. Eventually I focused on voluntary work & eventually lost interest in myself.
I have fantastic friends, a very lovely mum who can’t accept that I’d have been far happier as her daughter & a stepsister who has no idea about my gender issues.
Now in my mid-fifties, I see life passing by increasingly quickly. So, over the last few months I have allowed my real self a lot more freedom and have started to be happier again. It’s now very unlikely I’ll ever be able to pass, so I’m not chasing a rainbow. However, I’d be so relieved to find ways of making life more bearable, mentally, emotionally & even physically.
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