Hello. I hope this place proves to be a positive experience.

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    Topic
  • #113894
    Iam Cw
    Participant

    I am a mtf trans. Soon to be 50. I only recently realized that I am trans. I hid everything about me deep inside most of my life. I was a “closet cross dresser” since before puberty. I knew I was at least bi and had “abnormal “ desires towards males. The shame and realization of public perception caused me to hide my true self.
    Keeping everything bottled up for so long was a disaster waiting to happen. A couple of years ago the inevitable happened and I hit bottom. Complete breakdown, I quit my job, started getting rid of everything and then tried to take my own life, numerous times and failed miserably like everything else I did in life. I finally walked away from my life and into a hospital that did not help very much, due to my severe social anxiety I couldn’t participate in their therapy that revolved solely around group therapy so I ended up on the curb with nowhere to go and no support.
    I have struggled to deal with all my issues and have even tried bottling them up again just to survive and I am not accomplishing anything. I have not been able to find a counselor or therapist that is close enough and accepts the insurance I have plus has experience dealing with trans people. The general consensus around here is tolerance not acceptance.
    I truly believe I am a woman in male body. I also believe it is probably too late in life for true transition. I have too many issues to work through and I will not be able to come up with the funds to pay for it.

    Plus I know I couldn’t go through it alone. I have a tough enough time just dealing with day to day life as it is.
    I am honestly not sure what I hope to find here I am kind of grasping at straws to figure myself out before my time expires.

    I have reached out to different lgbtq organizations but there are none near my location. I want to be me and live as me. I have no interest in flaunting that in anyone’s direction I just want and need to find the real me so maybe I can finish my days out being comfortable with myself and maybe I can start to feel what happiness is.
    I will stop for now.

    4 users thanked author for this post.
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    Replies
    • #114370
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      CW:

      Happy that you found us and I hope it will be a good experience for you.

      It sounds like you live in a fairly rural part of North Dakota. That does complicate the issues of access to therapists and support. Psychology Today magazine maintains an online database of therapists. Perhaps you may be able to find a workable situation. Also more therapists are doing online sessions, so that may also help.

      Please complete your Profile page. Other members will learn how things are going for you, what your goals are, etc. It will always be accessible and can be updated at any time if something changes for you.

      If you would like to search for other members in your area, click on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.

    • #114326
      Haley Ann
      FREE

      Wow! I can’t even imagine feeling that way about myself. It makes me sad for you but being an optimist I do not believe it is too late…not for you or any of us that really want to do it. At 65, nearly 66, I still wonder if my desire is selfish…so totally different than the pain you have felt. I only wanted to acknowledge that I read your post beginning to end and I just wanted to offer my support❤️

      Haley😘

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #114228
      Bobbie W
      FREE

      I am a mtf trans. Soon to be 50. I only recently realized that I am trans. I hid everything about me deep inside most of my life. I was a “closet cross dresser” since before puberty. I knew I was at least bi and had “abnormal “ desires towards males. The shame and realization of public perception caused me to hide my true self.
      Keeping everything bottled up for so long was a disaster waiting to happen. A couple of years ago the inevitable happened and I hit bottom. Complete breakdown, I quit my job, started getting rid of everything and then tried to take my own life, numerous times and failed miserably like everything else I did in life. I finally walked away from my life and into a hospital that did not help very much, due to my severe social anxiety I couldn’t participate in their therapy that revolved solely around group therapy so I ended up on the curb with nowhere to go and no support.
      I have struggled to deal with all my issues and have even tried bottling them up again just to survive and I am not accomplishing anything. I have not been able to find a counselor or therapist that is close enough and accepts the insurance I have plus has experience dealing with trans people. The general consensus around here is tolerance not acceptance.
      I truly believe I am a woman in male body. I also believe it is probably too late in life for true transition. I have too many issues to work through and I will not be able to come up with the funds to pay for it.

      Plus I know I couldn’t go through it alone. I have a tough enough time just dealing with day to day life as it is.
      I am honestly not sure what I hope to find here I am kind of grasping at straws to figure myself out before my time expires.

      I have reached out to different lgbtq organizations but there are none near my location. I want to be me and live as me. I have no interest in flaunting that in anyone’s direction I just want and need to find the real me so maybe I can finish my days out being comfortable with myself and maybe I can start to feel what happiness is.
      I will stop for now.

      If you need to talk send me a msg

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #114118
      Terri Anne
      AMBASSADOR

      Hi Iam cw,

      Welcome to our wonderful, accepting, loving, helpful community where you can be safe and be yourself.

      You can read about the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
      My hope is that you will become comfortable here and make many new friends.

      ======== TGH Membership PLANS ===================
      https://transgenderheaven.com/choose-your-plan/#link_acc-1-3-d

      =========== TGH How-to Navigation ============================
      https://transgenderheaven.com/forums/topic/member-howto-for-navigating-the-tgh-website/

      Regards,
      Terri Anne, Ambassador

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #113912
      Stacy Ann May
      CHAT CREW

      You’ll be okay. It is a tough journey. Most everyone in the world wants to just “fit in” and it’s difficult when you don’t play the expected gender role. But it will be all right. Just take things a step at a time.

      Group therapy isn’t that bad. It helps me a lot, and I rarely ever participate in any discussion at all. I just listen and appreciate being in a space where there is no judgment. There’s not even any pressure to pass. It’s also good to get some perspective on how wide the gender spectrum really is. It’s a perspective that you can’t get alone.

      I hope you are able to find some peace. It can be done, and I know you can do it.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #113902
      Alexis
      FREE

      Hi CW ,

      Glad you are here reaching out to others it does help to be able to chat with others on what we are experiencing in our lives . A lot of us have been or going through the same thing on dealing with woman within wanting out and we we don’t know how to unleash her it does leave us in a state of confusion questioning ourselves …hell for years I thought I was going crazy  ..turns out I’m perfectly fine !

      It is a ruff road with many road blocks for us to navigate around and without support it leads to impossible mountains to climb waiting for us to fall and as we we lie there the kicks to ribs add more to our beating souls . You found an excellent place to share and hopefully will be able to grow on finding that happiness through friendships and the care people provide here .

      You are among loved ones !

      Hugs

       

      Alexis

      2 users thanked author for this post.
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