Hello Ladies. My name is Reuby Louise. Part 4

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    Reuby Bell
    Participant

    Hopefully, this is the last part.

    __________________________________________________

    It is now October 2018. I am 64. She and I were married on the 18th anniversary of the day we pledged ourselves to each other.  I have been appearing male for seven years. I have tried to fit into that role and make friends with men.  I have failed.  I have no compass to guide me how to do this. It is not me. I am very unhappy.  I have practically shunned any mention of being gay or transgendered.  Then last November, just before Thanksgiving she couldn’t catch her breath and could not move.  I went with her in the ambulance and the ER doctor said Xray indicated an enlarged heart and all her levels were too low. She is almost five hundred pounds and not able to move enough to get any weight off.  I am in shock. Visions of my second wife’s passing go through my mind. I am scared. I am lost. We aren’t even married yet. We plan to in Feb, but she may not be alive then. I freak. I am 64, losing faculties and use of my body as well. What will I do without her?  How will I live? I would not only lose the love of my life. I would lose my job and a place to live. In my condition, I would end up on Social Security, maybe disability and have to live in a senior home. Uh-uh. Not for me.  I need something else. I began to think of when I was truly happy.  I realize it was surprisingly in Oregon when we were living in another pre-op TS’s home.  She introduced us to Kinkfest and Darklady parties and the Dominant/submissive lifestyle.  I became her submissive and wore a leather collar.  During the day, when she was at work, I kept the house and paid bills, did the shopping, etc.. After she got off work the dinner was ready and I was whatever she wanted. Usually, I was on the floor in front of her on my knees, with her running her fingers through my hair after eating her dinner. My girlfriend (now my wife) did not fit as a sub, so my mistress tried to teach her to be dominant over me.  We eventually (because of others and the threat to my mistress and her family) had to move.  We found out she had her Sex Reassignment Surgery in Thailand and came back, contracted cancer and died.  Needless to say, I miss her and the lifestyle. So I began, in December to find a mistress that, just in case, might want another sub. That is how I found a website that is a virtual life role play where you write your character’s life around other writers doing the same thing.  It has been very therapeutic.  I am better now and I found out I do not have to have a male ID. So I am getting back on my hormones and getting a new name. Hopefully, by next year I will be back on track. I do not know if SRS is in my future, but I believe God created me like this, with female inclinations and all.  I am just living who I am. Not trying to be someone I am not. I am done with that. We are having a Bon Voyage party to the male me and Welcome Home party for the new me. To say I am happy is an understatement. I go to pick up the papers to take to the court for the name and gender change on the 25th.

    It is now October 2018. I am 64. She and I were married on the 18th anniversary of the day we pledged ourselves to each other.  I have been appearing male for seven years. I have tried to fit into that role and make friends with men.  I have failed.  I have no compass to guide me how to do this. It is not me. I am very unhappy.  I have practically shunned any mention of being gay or transgendered.  Then last November, just before Thanksgiving she couldn’t catch her breath and could not move.  I went with her in the ambulance and the ER doctor said Xray indicated an enlarged heart and all her levels were too low. She is almost five hundred pounds and not able to move enough to get any weight off.  I am in shock. Visions of my second wife’s passing go through my mind. I am scared. I am lost. We aren’t even married yet. We plan to in Feb, but she may not be alive then. I freak. I am 64, losing faculties and use of my body as well. What will I do without her?  How will I live? I would not only lose the love of my life. I would lose my job and a place to live. In my condition, I would end up on Social Security, maybe disability and have to live in a senior home. Uh-uh. Not for me.  I need something else. I began to think of when I was truly happy.  I realize it was surprisingly in Oregon when we were living in another pre-op TS’s home.  She introduced us to Kinkfest and Darklady parties and the Dominant/submissive lifestyle.  I became her submissive and wore a leather collar.  During the day, when she was at work, I kept the house and paid bills, did the shopping, etc.. After she got off work the dinner was ready and I was whatever she wanted. Usually, I was on the floor in front of her on my knees, with her running her fingers through my hair after eating her dinner. My girlfriend (now my wife) did not fit as a sub, so my mistress tried to teach her to be dominant over me.  We eventually (because of others and the threat to my mistress and her family) had to move.  We found out she had her Sex Reassignment Surgery in Thailand and came back, contracted cancer and died.  Needless to say, I miss her and the lifestyle. So I began, in December to find a mistress that, just in case, might want another sub. That is how I found a website that is a virtual life role play where you write your character’s life around other writers doing the same thing.  It has been very therapeutic.  I am better now and I found out I do not have to have a male ID. So I am getting back on my hormones and getting a new name. Hopefully, by next year I will be back on track. I do not know if SRS is in my future, but I believe God created me like this, with female inclinations and all.  I am just living who I am. Not trying to be someone I am not. I am done with that. We are having a Bon Voyage party to the male me and Welcome Home party for the new me. To say I am happy is an understatement. I go to pick up the papers to take to the court for the name and gender change on the 25th.

    It is now October 2018. I am 64. She and I were married on the 18th anniversary of the day we pledged ourselves to each other.  I have been appearing male for seven years. I have tried to fit into that role and make friends with men.  I have failed.  I have no compass to guide me how to do this. It is not me. I am very unhappy.  I have practically shunned any mention of being gay or transgendered.  Then last November, just before Thanksgiving she couldn’t catch her breath and could not move.  I went with her in the ambulance and the ER doctor said Xray indicated an enlarged heart and all her levels were too low. She is almost five hundred pounds and not able to move enough to get any weight off.  I am in shock. Visions of my second wife’s passing go through my mind. I am scared. I am lost. We aren’t even married yet. We plan to in Feb, but she may not be alive then. I freak. I am 64, losing faculties and use of my body as well. What will I do without her?  How will I live? I would not only lose the love of my life. I would lose my job and a place to live. In my condition, I would end up on Social Security, maybe disability and have to live in a senior home. Uh-uh. Not for me.  I need something else. I began to think of when I was truly happy.  I realize it was surprisingly in Oregon when we were living in another pre-op TS’s home.  She introduced us to Kinkfest and Darklady parties and the Dominant/submissive lifestyle.  I became her submissive and wore a leather collar.  During the day, when she was at work, I kept the house and paid bills, did the shopping, etc.. After she got off work the dinner was ready and I was whatever she wanted. Usually, I was on the floor in front of her on my knees, with her running her fingers through my hair after eating her dinner. My girlfriend (now my wife) did not fit as a sub, so my mistress tried to teach her to be dominant over me.  We eventually (because of others and the threat to my mistress and her family) had to move.  We found out she had her Sex Reassignment Surgery in Thailand and came back, contracted cancer and died.  Needless to say, I miss her and the lifestyle. So I began, in December to find a mistress that, just in case, might want another sub. That is how I found a website that is a virtual life role play where you write your character’s life around other writers doing the same thing.  It has been very therapeutic.  I am better now and I found out I do not have to have a male ID. So I am getting back on my hormones and getting a new name. Hopefully, by next year I will be back on track. I do not know if SRS is in my future, but I believe God created me like this, with female inclinations and all.  I am just living who I am. Not trying to be someone I am not. I am done with that. We are having a Bon Voyage party to the male me and Welcome Home party for the new me. To say I am happy is an understatement. I go to pick up the papers to take to the court for the name and gender change on the 25th.

    As for my wife’s enlarged heart, the ER read it wrong. It is fine. She has been on oxygen since that November. She is experiencing more difficulty breathing and her pulmonologist says the weight is keeping the lungs from expelling all the carbon dioxide. So she sleeps in her chair all the time. But I am not going to dwell on her negative. We are just going to live now.

    I know this is long and I apologize. But I am a writer and I love to write about who I am and where I am in my journey.

    With love, Reuby Louise

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