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Hi All,
I am Shena, 50 years old and pre everything and essentially at the start of my journey where I am learning to accept and own the gender identity that I have repressed for so many years. The last year and a half has pushed me to the point where I need to do something about all the longings hopes desires and feeling that I have been carrying for most of my life.
Like many here, looking back to childhood I knew that something was not right and on and off cross dressed and would feel guilty and purge.
At a later stage and still single, I lived at home entirely as my true self for a period of time. Then searched my heart and struggled to reconcile my faith and relationship with God and reverted to living as a man again. not too long after, I got married to an extremely precious lady.
She understood that I had dressed en femme and went through the period I mentioned earlier before where I went through a time where I wanted nothing more to be a woman. But, that I was over that then. A few years down the line I had the same longings and again went for counseling and worked through them again.
Now nine years into our marriage I have been slammed so hard with gender dysphoria that I can’t think straight most days.
I started seeing a psychologist who has worked with transgender people and is graciously understanding and affirming.
My precious wife is entirely against my becoming a woman and I respect and understand her stance.
I have been rambling, so sorry, my hope and desire is to make friends here and build friendships. I am at a place where I am desperate to be able to talk to people who are going or have been through the same experiences.
Warm regards,
Shena
My friend, I have been there and still kind of still there, I have been living as a tranwoman for over 10 months and have never felt so free, but with a cost, and I will talk more if you wish to talk.
Huggs
timmieDear Timmie,
Great to meet you.
Yes, I am right at the beginning of learning to count the cost. The path forward is dim and vague and full of things I have not even thought about yet. It is one thing to research and read other peoples’ stories and then find that you could never guess what other people’s reactions would be. With some people you have an idea. Then there are others who initially have positive reactions and then an example of reality presents and they have a change of heart and then you are back at the beginning working with a whole new set of constraints and feelings. It is going rough at the moment in that area.
I must say that I am learning to be honest and more direct – still a very long way to go. I have always tried to spare people’s feelings and this is good and bad. I wrestle with myself asking myself living as my true self is this right for me. (There is a great deal of internal transphobia)
I know so many of us have travelled this road, but it is a comfort to know wherever we are, we are not alone in this. We all have many of the same questions like, “Will transitioning really make me happy” I know happiness is fleeting and circumstantial. I guess what I mean to ask is would I have inner peace and joy finally? Will the noise and distraction in my head finally go away or lessen to a degree that I can hear myself think.
I am trying to start accepting myself and learning to grow.
How have you dealt with the making peace with the cost of living as you were meant to be?
Kind regards,
Shena
What is working for me is to not care what others say and stand behind that thought, I found that I finally
like me.I just got back from a 3500 mile road trip, this trip gave me time to reflect on the this journey I am on
it helped me understand that I did make the right decision, I talked to GOD, listened to Youtube and TED talks and talked to myself to make sure I am on the right path.
I have to say it was so freeing to travel as my trueself, then again that is who I am for the last 10 months
and plan to be for the rest of my life. I had no trouble with traveling, bathrooms,hotels,stores and people
in general.
Love and huggs
timmieShena:
Good to have you here!
You situation mirrors that of many here. As you begin to recognize and accept your true gender identity, the question becomes: What does that mean for the future? Potentially there are consequences that must be dealt with and those decisions that should only be made with conscious thought.
Good that you now have a therapist with experience in the issues that transgender people face. Not everyone has that particular set of skills and experiences. Perhaps that is what happened previously. Anyway, thinking of this process as a journey and not a sprint helps to be able to put things into the proper perspective.
Thanks for completing your Profile page! I often have to remind people to do that, but the important thing is that it provides information as to your current situation and what you are dealing with. Remember that you can update it at any time if something changes for you.
If you would like to search for other members who may be nearby, click on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.
Hello DeeAnn,
Thank you for the warm welcome. It is great to be a part of TGH. I do feel less isolated now since I have joined. It is really wonderful to know that I am not alone anymore and there are many other ladies that understand.
Your are right I am most fortunate to have a very supportive therapist who works with transgender people. That is a blessing.
And you are right, I am thinking rather soberly about the decisions that I need to make. It is certainly not easy and rightly so. I know that I need to do something to change the way I have been living (surviving), because one cannot keep repeating the same thing, doing it in the same way and expecting things to change on their own. (I believe it may have been Einstein who said something like this.)
I am here to learn; make friends and share.
Shena
Hi Timmie,
I very much enjoyed your post about your road trip. That is a great many miles. The idea of the open road and new adventure is certainly a parallel of our lives with new places and new experiences.
Where did you travel from and too?
How did you come to understand that you did make the right decision?
How did the process look for you to come to this decision?
I know there must a be a large amount thinking and wrestling, but it would so great to hear in broad terms how this process was for you.
Thank you,
Shena
Shena, I started from Fort Atkinson, WI. and my first stop was Springfield, MO to Santa Fe, NM. for 2 days then off to Sedona, Grand Grand Canyon and Glendale, AZ. for 4 days, then I turned around and came back
through Albuquerque NM. to Joplin, MO. to home.
It was a long road trip, but it gave me time to self reflect on my life, help me make sure I am on the right path as I transition, (I hope so because I got rid of all my male clothes 10 mo. ago and a whole lot of female clothes and shoes in my closet,HaHa.) I never plan to return to my former body/look, I’m in for the
life. The way I did this journey is working for me, it just may not be right for the next person.
Maybe parts of my life and others here at TGH telling our story might make easier for or others, all I know is that this the first time in my life that I like this I am working on.
May your God Bless you on your journey.
Love and Huggs
timmie
Hi Shena,
Welcome to our wonderful, accepting, loving, helpful community where you can be safe and be yourself.
You can read about the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
My hope is that you will become comfortable here and make many new friends.======== TGH Membership PLANS ===================
https://transgenderheaven.com/choose-your-plan/#link_acc-1-3-d=========== TGH How-to Navigation ============================
https://transgenderheaven.com/forums/topic/member-howto-for-navigating-the-tgh-website/Glad you are here. Looking forward to more sharing,
Regards,
Terri Anne, Ambassador
hi..im deborah welcome back.. i just returned to this forum as well, after leaving for a while..have a nice time n a nice day!
Hi Shena; I’m RC, and I fully understand the the inward battle with gender disforeia, and religion. I went back, forth also. Now at ease again as I live true to myself; “Female”. I’ve been silent for quite some time. Do to covet 19, there aren’t group meetings except virtually. I told my pastor I was a transgerder female, and he wanted to meet with me, but I declined. Know one wants to discuss gender disforeia. Most pastor wanted to say transgerder is wrong, want discuss what causes transgerder mtf. To me it’s like changing a fuse without finding out what caused the fuse to blow out! For some reason people will except scientists explaining other sickness, and illness, but when it comes to scientists explanation concerning gender disforeia, and transgerder most people won’t except scientists explanation. Girl so frustrating! I’m kinda slow on typing. I’m in my 70s. I did something foolish yesterday. Went outside with a dark tee shirt, and sweet pants in 90 degree heat. I was very watered down with sweat when I got home. I went back outside, yes you got it right. I had on a nice summer jumper next time… warm Smile… that’s so wonderful Shena that you have a very good therapist you can confine in. I’m a transgerder female in my mid 70s. On HRT going on three years. Seriously considering vaginalplacie surgery next year I hope. That depends on my insurance coverage .I have a wonderful endocrinologist at the transgerder adult clinic. Married, but single. My wife put me out of our house do to me being transgerder female. Shena we’ll pray for each other. God will see us through. May my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ be with us .
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Sincerely RC</p>Dear RC,
Thank you for the encouragement – I definitely hear you on resolving your faith in light of struggling (lightly put) with GD. It is difficult to explain to people and especially a spouse and family how you can be or become trans. I would guess and agree that one simply is.
I was recently encouraged – in the good sense – to really seek God and press into my relationship with Him after faltering because of the many preconceived and viewpoints of people. This is very hard because as trans woman, we are struggling within ourselves with our own preconceived ideas and viewpoints and the general baggage that we carry with us.
In many ways I am the textbook trans woman, but at the same time I don’t agree with many things relating to transgenderism as a whole and I am sure that is the case for everyone.
So, I am praying and will agree with you in prayer that God shows us the way, so we don’t do anything regrettable.
I enjoyed your metaphor you used of the blown fuse that needs to be investigated before simply replacing it. It feels impossible to resolve this on our own, so we certainly have to go to the one that created us.
I really don’t know what the answer is for everyone and I know many feel this way. But I can only say that God understands what we are going through and want us to walk with Him. I’m not talking about religion – I am talking about a relationship with Him. Again I – in myself – don’t have all the answers and am not prepared to claim; presume or theorize or propose a resolution.
Be brave, stay strong.
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