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Hi – I’m Allie. First, thanks to everyone for hosting this wonderful place. And second, I’m not in any pain or distress or anything… although I get the sense I’m about to ramble on a bit and it might contradict that statement… so…ok, not a great start. LOL
Basically, I’m born male, in my 50’s and I’ve never really been able to figure out where I stand on the spectrum of gender and my feelings towards things. A few years ago I first heard the term “transdreamer” and I thought “well, maybe that sort of sounds like me?” but the more I read on it I realized like all the other terms it didn’t really encapsulate me any more than they did.
The first time I remember wishing or dreaming about being a woman was in 3rd grade. I can very specifically remember the name of the girl who I wished that I would go to sleep and wake up as. I can picture her. I remember what I liked about her, and all the reasons why I felt like her life made more sense to me than mine.
After that, it just sort of faded away into fantasy for years…I grew up, I got married, had a family, and the feelings would come and go, sometimes really strongly for days or weeks, and then fade. I’ve never been able to exactly pinpoint how and why they do that. The closest I’ve ever come is that sometimes when I’m faced with moments where, against my will (because it makes me very uncomfortable no matter how I act), someone reacts to me in a way that reflects some notion of male privilege? I think that might be a triggering event. But I’m not even sure. I’m going through a really strong bout of it right now… and have been wracking my brain for what could have brought it on in the last week and coming up empty.
I used to try to paint myself as a hero for not acting on these feelings…a hero because I know that, as happy as I would be as a woman, to make that change would bring such chaos into the lives of so many people whom I love and who do not deserve it. So my calculation is that my “suffering” is the suffering of one person vs. the suffering of multiple people, so of course I have to make the sacrifice play.
But of course, I’m no hero at all… I’m really much more of a coward I believe. As desperately as I do wish to be the woman I know I’m supposed to be, I do have a happy life with people I love and who love me, and the idea of giving that up terrifies me. And what if I did that…. and asked them to sacrifice.. and then I wasn’t happy or it didn’t work out? And I ruined their lives and my own? Better to just stay safe and not risk anything, like a coward.
I know the truth is somewhere in between… but there’s such a feeling of guilt in all this.. it’s hard to think just of my own happiness, and it’s also terrifying to go into the unknown. Exciting but terrifying.
I just thought I should share that part. I don’t like the idea of painting myself as some selfless person… I know there’s that part of it, but a lot of it is terror too.
As for what I want and what I’ve done? I mentioned male privilege before? I can’t stand it… the idea of being a traditional woman, dealing with issues that women face every day… sounds wonderful to me. Yes of course who wouldn’t want to be sexy and beautiful and all that… but I find it equally thrilling the idea of going out to a restaurant or a shop and just not being noticed. That’s all. Just to be me, as a woman.
My relationship with my wife is loving and strong and always has been. Zero infidelity and no thought of it. I’ve only been attracted to women in my life, I have no interest in men. However, when I think of of myself as a woman, the idea of being with a man seems completely natural and comforting. I don’t know exactly how to make that make sense, but I’ve long ago made peace with the oddity of it.
As for crossdressing? I’m so jealous of those who take pleasure from it. I’m in favor of anyone who can get pleasure or enjoyment from anything that doesn’t hurt someone else, so that’s great. But in the few times I’ve dabbled with it, it left me cold. Mostly because it just, to me, emphasized how much I am NOT a woman. I mean, cross dressing is the act of wearing the clothes of the opposite gender. I don’t want to wear “women’s” clothing as a man. I just want to wear clothing. But since I’m a woman, the clothing I’d be wearing would be women’s clothing.
It’s kind of how in China they don’t call it chinese food. They just call it “food”, you know? 🙂
I was seeing a therapist about chronic pain a few years ago, and we had a good relationship… but I have a good handle and that aspect of my life so we often spoke about other things. And towards the end of our time together (because it was the start of pandemic) I entered one of this dysphoric phases and I was really tempted to broach the subject with her… even if it just lead her to recommending someone else to speak with. But then the pandemic hit, she moved to a different hospital, and I have no reason to start again that I can justify with my wife. So that window closed.
I think that’s it, not sure what else to say, or who’s even still reading after this long (I’m sure quite boring) ramble.
But I do appreciate being able to write it and let it out.
Thanks and I hope you all have a lovely week,
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