Hi all – I’m Allie

[Allie Barnes]

Hi – I’m Allie.  First, thanks to everyone for hosting this wonderful place. And second, I’m not in any pain or distress or anything… although I get the sense I’m about to ramble on a bit and it might contradict that statement… so…ok, not a great start.  LOL

Basically, I’m born male,  in my 50’s and I’ve never really been able to figure out where I stand on the spectrum of gender and my feelings towards things. A few years ago I first heard the term “transdreamer” and I thought “well, maybe that sort of sounds like me?” but the more I read on it I realized like all the other terms it didn’t really encapsulate me any more than they did.

The first time I remember wishing or dreaming about being a woman was in 3rd grade. I can very specifically remember the name of the girl who I wished that I would go to sleep and wake up as. I can picture her.  I remember what I liked about her, and all the reasons why I felt like her life made more sense to me than mine.

After that, it just sort of faded away into fantasy for years…I grew up, I got married, had a family, and the feelings would come and go, sometimes really strongly for days or weeks, and then fade.  I’ve never been able to exactly pinpoint how and why they do that.  The closest I’ve ever come is that sometimes when I’m faced with moments where, against my will (because it makes me very uncomfortable no matter how I act), someone reacts to me in a way that reflects some notion of male privilege? I think that might be a triggering event.  But I’m not even sure. I’m going through a really strong bout of it right now… and have been wracking my brain for what could have brought it on in the last week and coming up empty.

I used to try to paint myself as a hero for not acting on these feelings…a hero because I know that, as happy as I would be as a woman, to make that change would bring such chaos into the lives of so many people whom I love and who do not deserve it.  So my calculation is that my “suffering” is the suffering of one person vs. the suffering of multiple people, so of course I have to make the sacrifice play.

But of course, I’m no hero at all… I’m really much more of a coward I believe. As desperately as I do wish to be the woman I know I’m supposed to be, I do have a happy life with people I love and who love me, and the idea of giving that up terrifies me.  And what if I did that…. and asked them to sacrifice.. and then I wasn’t happy or it didn’t work out? And I ruined their lives and my own? Better to just stay safe and not risk anything, like a coward.

I know the truth is somewhere in between… but there’s such a feeling of guilt in all this.. it’s hard to think just of my own happiness, and it’s also terrifying to go into the unknown. Exciting but terrifying.

I just thought I should share that part. I don’t like the idea of painting myself as some selfless person… I know there’s that part of it, but a lot of it is terror too.

As for what I want and what I’ve done? I mentioned male privilege before? I can’t stand it… the idea of being a traditional woman, dealing with issues that women face every day… sounds wonderful to me. Yes of course who wouldn’t want to be sexy and beautiful and all that… but I find it equally thrilling the idea of going out to a restaurant or a shop and just not being noticed.  That’s all.  Just to be me, as a woman.

My relationship with my wife is loving and strong and always has been. Zero infidelity and no thought of it. I’ve only been attracted to women in my life, I have no interest in men.  However, when I think of of myself as a woman, the idea of being with a man seems completely natural and comforting. I don’t know exactly how to make that make sense, but I’ve long ago made peace with the oddity of it.

As for crossdressing? I’m so jealous of those who take pleasure from it. I’m in favor of anyone who can get pleasure or enjoyment from anything that doesn’t hurt someone else, so that’s great.  But in the few times I’ve dabbled with it, it left me cold. Mostly because it just, to me, emphasized how much I am NOT a woman. I mean, cross dressing is the act of wearing the clothes of the opposite gender.  I don’t want to wear “women’s” clothing as a man. I just want to wear clothing.  But since I’m a woman, the clothing I’d be wearing would be women’s clothing.

It’s kind of how in China they don’t call it chinese food. They just call it “food”, you know? 🙂

I was seeing a therapist about chronic pain a few years ago, and we had a good relationship… but I have a good handle and that aspect of my life so we often spoke about other things. And towards the end of our time together (because it was the start of pandemic) I entered one of this dysphoric phases and I was really tempted to broach the subject with her… even if it just lead her to recommending someone else to speak with.  But then the pandemic hit, she moved to a different hospital, and I have no reason to start again that I can justify with my wife.  So that window closed.

I think that’s it, not sure what else to say, or who’s even still reading after this long (I’m sure quite boring) ramble.

But I do appreciate being able to write it and let it out.

Thanks and I hope you all have a lovely week,

Love,
Allie

[Krystal Garven]

Hi ! Allie – I’m as trans as they come almost 64 – I never got married or dated Franky because of this dysphoria , just worked and kept my mouth shut – took me 10 years after my parents died and finally came honest with my self in June  2018 while in Rehab for my 4 th time ( 5 total ) and said that’s it Fk-it and changed everything Birth Certificate , hormones , sex change 2019 June and go out in public naturally and pretty much addressed all the time Mam at least the last  1 1/2 years in the public arena , doctors/nurses are a bit different with the gender bender crap but not often – went back to work all switched over and a few heads turned for sure Fk-m ! now they just see me as me and never once called me a fag so to speak of ( and I was never homosexual anyways )  – it’s different and the other workers know this and there’s No wrenches left in my gear box – you mentioned that girl wanting to physically have what she had that was a normal natural desire ” I’m a girl ” WTF , why , I get it – find a quite night to watch a movie with the wife , no one else around – bring in a box of used DVD’s and put the movie ” TransAmerica ” or ” in that box – pick it out non-schealant like and watch it together – see her response to understand her reaction to the transgender world – XO – Krystal G

 

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by Krystal Garven.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by Krystal Garven.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by Krystal Garven.

[Gwenn Gates]

@allie012
Hi Allie! Welcome to the site! Reading through your post it sounds like a mirror image of my life!

I’m 64 and I’m tired of hiding anymore! I just want to be the woman I always wanted to be. Like you, I never really wanted to hurt those near and dear to me, but, if I have to remain the way I currently am and take it to my grave….well, it will be an early grave.

If those near and dear to you truly love you for who you are on the inside ( a woman), then they will still love you as you become your true self. You are not changing on the inside, you have in various ways let your true self shine thru. It’s only the outside that changes so that it will match what’s on the inside. Those around you may find as you continue your journey that you will be more understanding, thoughtful, kind, and compassionate because the barriers your subconscious has put in place to protect you are being broken down.

As Danae previously mentioned (we are friends!) we have similar issues just like you. We are in this altogether and I feel we are here to love and support one another. If you need someone to talk with please reach out to me (I’m sure Danae feels the same way!).

Hugs!

Gwen

[Anonymous]

Allie Welcome!!! ❤️

[Allie Barnes]

Thanks Maryanne!

[𝕋𝕖𝕣𝕣𝕚 𝔸𝕟𝕟𝕖🌸]

Hi Allie,

Welcome to our Wonderful, Accepting, Loving, Helpful Community where you can be safe and be yourself.
The Warmth, Compaasion and Hospitality of our community members can be found throughout the site.
You can read about the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
My hope is that you will become comfortable here and make many new friends.

Glad you are here. Looking forward to more sharing,
Terri Anne, Ambassador

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[Allie Barnes]

Thanks so much, Terri Anne!

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