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How to begin this. The start would seem fitting but well again I’m unsure how to go about doing that, I mean when is the beginning? As you may have worked out I’ve been a little lost and I like my philosophy.
Perhaps to start a fresh I should chose my beginning. I suppose that would be when I first looked into a mirror and didn’t see myself any more. Over the years there have been many times this has happened but having looked back through my life I’m almost certain that first time this happened was when I was 11. In my room there had always been a full length mirror and for many years I had always played about with my mother’s lipsticks and then kissed myself in the mirror. My mum knew I used her make up but never said a word aside from occasionally telling me to clean the mirror. Then one day for whatever reason I went further. I had recently started secondary school and had already begun getting my body image issues where I became convinced I was ugly and seeing all the girls in their uniforms I become very jealous of what they wore and how good looking they were. Upon getting home I went through my mum’s stuff in an attempt to put together my own version of the uniform. Once I considered it completed I found I was very happy with what I had created. I then went to my mirror and the person I could now see wasn’t me, it was someone better, someone I thought was attractive but that person was going to go away and consistently did over the years.
Fast forward 20 years and I had all but left my other self behind and had convinced myself that I was better for it. I had grown my beard right out I was happy with my wife to be and all was good in life. Or so it seemed, life cruised along and the last of any of Charlotte’s clothes I still had had been let go. Then bam out of nowhere I was getting divorced. Looking back I’m glad it happened but at the time I hated it but hat was all it took and Charlotte was back in my life.
This was about 6 months ago now and here I was only 2 weeks ago thinking I had myself all sorted I finally had a term that seemed to describe how I felt, ‘non binary’ and likely ‘bigender’. But just as how easily I came to this conclusion I realised that I was now spending more and more time as Charlotte (though a large portion of this was in an androgynous form) and that for all intents and purposes I was Charlotte more than the person I had thought I was. To the extent that I have started considering actual transitioning, I am even more convinced now than ever that my body issues were (and to a degree still are) linked to me having a male body. I still don’t exactly know where I am or even who I am but I do know this, I’m happy.
Love Charlotte xx
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