- I'm confused
Tagged: new member
- March 23, 2021 at 2:51 pm #96081RileyParticipant
Hey everyone, I have joined TGH to get a better understanding of myself and see if transitioning really is what i want or maybe im confused.
So I have done a ton of research on trans woman lives and how they realized they are 100% trans. Now not to sound weird but I feel as though I truly fall under the lens of being transgender based on
1. Generally grossed out or ashamed of my own body and genitals growing up. 2. I find having sex with a man absolutely repulsive however fantasize about it as being a woman frequently. 3. Always loved girly things like wanting to get my nails done, shaving my legs, makeup, clothes the whole 9 but was never comfortable showing that part of me to anyone in my life ever. 4. This has been a battle for almost 18 years as I’m 29 now. 5. I got goosebumps and smiled the first time someone called me riley on here.
I mean so those are the main reasons and just recently I talked to my therapist about the feelings and she completely reaffirmed my thoughts and she thinks i am. I still have my doubts but it moreso comes from social anxiety and fear of leaving my current life in the past and presenting as a woman. It scares the daylights out of me and passing i know shouldnt matter but has held me back to this point. I’m 5″11 230lbs and most would consider me a pretty big guy.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Anyways I wont drag out an intro any longer and i appreciate the ladies who gave me good advice in chat last night but this is my intro. So what’s the next best steps? And how can I make the most of being apart of this community? Also with what i said above should I have any doubt on my sexual orientation or do those things fall in line with alot of woman here?</p>
- March 21, 2022 at 7:22 am #129132BrielleFREE
Hi Riley, welcome to the best transperson site on the Web! You can read my bio for thw whole back story, but I just started HRT in November and estradiol a few weeks ago. My wife of 40 years was blindsided by my crossdressing, then another body blow when I realized I needed to start HRT.
From my experience, the feelings of dysphoria never get better. Meds can mute the anxiety and depression, but they can pretty much sideline you from your own life (as I was for most of my 6 decades on this rock). The fear of coming out is understandable – I was barely able to come ot to my wife as a CD. But all my other interactions have been overwhelmingly positive. Outside of a spouse or children, most people won’t react badly because they are into their own lives and problems.
But that being said, I’ve been told I pass well. I started coming out to people that would be most affirming. I stayed in stealth to everyone but my medical team, and joined a local group of CDs and TGs that get together once a month to just talk and have a meal or beverage at a LGBTQ-friendly place here.
Depending on your community, most people you’d encounter may double take, but won’t say or do anything to embarrass you. Just be cautious around momma bears with her cubs if you need to use a ladies’ room while out. Make sure that there are no children in a public restroom and wait or go elsewhere. You can google public stores, etc. that have LGBTQ-friendly restrooms (“family” facilites, or even men, women, and trans or “other”).
If you do decide to come out to people, my therapist suggested by starting with ones you KNOW will be accepting. If a family member or friend is negative, then set boundaries to let them know you will have to limit contact if they won’t accept your decision to live your life the way that is most fulfilling to you. Also, make sure your employer has all the safeguards in place to ensure you are affirmed.
I know your original post is a year old, but I also saw you have recent posts and replies. Hope mine can give some clarity. For what it’s worth even though my marriage has been somewhat imploded, I don’t reget starting to come out, just that I didn’t trust my wife’s reaction years ago to tell her my truth.
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- March 20, 2022 at 2:41 pm #129125Valerie HeartFREE
I understand where you are coming from, I’m much of the same story. Maybe start adopting more of your feminine self in private and see how you feel. I’ve been standing at the mouth of the rabbit since I was 8 and am finally seeing where it goes. Go at your own pace and really explore what you want and what it will mean (Physically, Emotionally, Socially and Financially) to get there. Make sure this isn’t a fleeting fancy, you don’t want to go done any path too hastily, especially one you can’t back track. If this is what you really want then I would start with seeing a physiatrist that can help you on your journey. The locals tab can help.
Welcome to the forum
Lots a luv
- June 30, 2021 at 4:09 am #111180LufiaFREE
Nice to meet you Riley. I am going through a nearly identical situation myself, with nearly identical experiences. I cannot date a man while presenting as a man, but the second I have a dress on, my sole attraction is to men. I am above average size as well. My weight is the same as yours, though I am 5 inches taller and ten years older. I would love to be able to give you a simple answer, as I am seeking one myself, though I don’t believe there is one. If you are living alone or in a supportive environment (I am not), my advice would be to do your makeup, put on your cutest outfit, and go out and experience the world. That is the only way to know for sure. Though I am currently unable to transition and have to be careful about what I wear in front of other people, that is how I knew. I remember the first time I wore panties in public, the first time I wore a thong, the first time I wore a bra in public, and the first time I went in public wearing no male clothing. As I passed each of these milestones, that weight that I carry on my shoulders felt a little lighter. I felt happier, and more at peace with myself. My advice would be to try it. Go out there, introduce the world to Riley, and make the other girls jealous. See how you feel. If it feels right, then you will know that you are the girl you were always meant to be. Good luck, Sweetie.
- March 20, 2022 at 11:22 am #129123
- May 2, 2021 at 7:53 pm #101303Terri AnneAMBASSADOR
Welcome to our wonderful, accepting, loving, helpful community to be yourself.
My hope is that you will be comfortable here and make many new friends.
Feel free to ask away and we certanly love to hear your experiances and life’s knowledge as well.
Enjoy the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
- April 19, 2021 at 6:54 pm #100238Bobbi WaittFREE
Hi Riley for my self I am a trade person and I live most of the time as a woman . At work I wear my old work clothes in the past I have had my ears pierced and my hair is getting longer and my face hair is almost all gone . I have never felt right any were till I went to a trans conference and I found my place .Than I was going to Trans support groups getting help and helping out when I could. Than covid -19 hit groups in person came to an end . Any ways I have known my hole life something wasn’t right like at school in the locker room and I couldn’t use a men’s public bathroom and I liked woman’s clothes . When I started coming out in public I started by going for rides out of town and just kept getting braver .Going to my groups going shopping and out to diner with friends and having fun . For me I dress nice but try not to over do it so I don’t stick out. When I buy more work pants I am buying women’s Carhartt’s I have been going slow in my transition I keep going . Remember life is short make the best out of it . Just let me be your friend Bobbi
- March 25, 2021 at 9:15 am #96154GenevïéveFREE
Hi Riely… nice to meet you.
- March 23, 2021 at 6:01 pm #96088Chloe-AnnaFREE
Hey Riley, welcome to the club hun!
I’d like to add that before experiencing the world through her eyes, can you fully say “i have to present as female full time”? My first therapy stalled on this same point, without the first hand experience we got stuck, and then…
The first time i introduced Chloe to my real life friends, we went out to a (normal) bar; it entriely shifted my perception and my understanding of the world and also how i present in it.
Dressing and presenting female changes how others interact with you, i felt more vulnerable and like judged or on display, and also wary of walking on my own, or around groups, for instance. This is only from my experience here, but it in no way blunted my desire, like i have never felt to alive yet also so right in myself and confident in this way!
Its not easy, its scary af to be honest, taking those first steps but its the most valuable thing you can do. if you want to chat more, or would like advice i’m so much more than happy to do what i can to help a sister 🤗
- March 24, 2021 at 3:39 pm #96128
Thanks Chloe, I have literally been thinking that quote over and over through my head since I’ve read this. Its given me a new perspective and totally hits home. I have since gone on a small shopping spree through amazon. I think an upgrade in the wardrobe department may be all i really need to get more comfortable to go out and experiment a bit. Either way thanks for your input I appreciate it a ton.
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- March 25, 2021 at 5:19 am #96149Chloe-AnnaFREE
Nice clothes, good face and hair makes you feel so much more confident! Grab some accessories, a cute perfume.. you can soo do this!
I was literally shaking the first time I was getting ready to face the world, but I knew it was more important for me to do this and continue my journey of discovery than run again from some imagined fear 😊
- March 23, 2021 at 5:32 pm #96087DeeAnn HopingsAMBASSADOR
Glad you wandered in! I like to think of things in terms of probabilities. From what you said, it is quite likely that you are transgender. Who you said is close to what I’ve heard from some other trans women, but there are no absolutes.
Regarding sexuality, trans folks are all over the map just like cis people are. There doesn’t seem to be any set pattern to this. Personally, I know trans women who identify as lesbian and some who identify as straight (attracted to males) and a few who somewhere in between. Anyway, the point is that sexuality isn’t an indicator of ones gender identity.
A good therapist will help peel away the things that act to obstruct our clear thinking. It is very difficult to consider altering ones life and the consequences to which that may lead. Often our minds will not consider such issues in any depth as that can bring a lot of stress to our lives. Think of times when we have had to make a difficult decision or deal with an unlikeable person. It is not unusual that we would continue to put it off as long as we can to avoid that stress. Our minds often don’t like to deal with those kinds of situations. So, a therapist will help to navigate that minefield.
In addition, be reminded that there are those who are Assigned Female At Birth (AFAB) and are both taller and larger than you. All we can do is look the best that we can with what we have to work with. MANY who are AFAB are unhappy with their body image.
Please complete your Profile page. It really helps other members to understand your situation and where you are headed. The page can be updated any time.
If you would like to search for other members near you, click on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.
- March 23, 2021 at 7:04 pm #96091
- <li style=”text-align: left;”>Thanks so much for answering, and i have since updated my profile completely😁 So i guess my problem with that is I havent put myself in a position to have friends that would be accepting of me making these changes for me. I know I know people can surprise you, but i can count my close friends on one hand of those none are woman and my guy friends i know for certain would be so unapproving and make me feel absolutely horrible about my life. Thats one of the reasons I joined here first. Now i have a consultation at a health facility called trillium health in the near future and im hoping to gain alot of insight and resources and a good plan. They focus solely on trans related any kind of care really. Rights now due to covid ive been sharing a place with 2 of my sister’s and brother in law so possibly the best steps could be coming out in front of them but I really dont know.
- March 23, 2021 at 8:46 pm #96100DeeAnn HopingsAMBASSADOR
Yes, I know about Trillium. I lived in Corning for 23 years before I retired and moved to the desert. I still get mail from them since I made a donation some years ago. It was before they changed their name to Trillium, but I can’t remember what it was before.
From what I’ve seen, and my personal experience, admitting the truth to yourself can be very difficult. As is said, the first person that you come out to is yourself. The odd thing is that it was a bit different for me. In the early 90’s I came out as gay. A few years later I figured out that I was actually bisexual. I suspect that dealing with this made the realization that I was transgender much easier several years later. Having one mental upheaval made the next one feel like “Been There, Done That”.
Working through substance abuse has been an issue for a number of trans people. Same thing has also happened for many gay folks. Anyway, VERY happy that you are now on the right path!
Finally, Thank You for completing your Profile page! One of the things that I have found is that when you write something like that, it requires that you think about it a bit. I wound up remembering some things that I might have missed otherwise.
- March 23, 2021 at 3:00 pm #96083Aundrea KFREE
So I basically agree with every point you made as mirror to my own experience. I’m the end I’m not sure either.
For what it’s worth I’m trying to follow my therapists guidance on this, he is not convinced I’m trans, or he hasn’t admitted it to me yet if he is. He wants me to get dressed up and go out into the world fully presenting as a woman. He said after I do that we can analyze my feelings from the experience and get a much clearer look at my true feelings on the subject.
How he explains this working makes sense to me and stands to reason it applies to all, so my advice is to do the same thing I’m doing and claw your way into the outside world and then go see your therapist about what happened.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I hope this helps hunny, and to answer your poll, non of them apply.</p>
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- March 23, 2021 at 4:23 pm #96086
Good advice and thank you for responding. I guess my therapist other then the being unsure said the same thing. Go out into the world and see how you feel. It’s absolutely terrifying though right? Personally I’m too self conscious of what people would think ATM to try that. I feel as though the society we live in sucks and every person wherever i am would be judging me the entire time. Seems like a tough thing to be able to overcome.
- March 24, 2021 at 4:38 am #96115Aundrea KFREE
Yes I agree I feel the same way, but you have to realize that yes they are judging you but only a few are judging you poorly. Most are checking you out as a woman. It’s that feeling you get when being judged as a woman that you need to deep dive into.
Once that was made clear to me I knew I had to put my fears aside and just do it. Or sit around the house always feeling at odds my self. It’s hard but I’m going to do it. I hope you do too soon🤗
- March 24, 2021 at 3:30 pm #96127
Hahaha i hope thats true, either way I’m going to have give it a go sooner then later but i will keep this in mind! Thanks 🙂
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