Hi I’m Chloë

[Chloë Hull]

I’m starting my transitioning process and I haven’t yet come out.i guess the first part for me is accepting myself.

 

I have come out to my best friend.but I’m also married with two kids so I’m taking this slow so as not to hurt anyone.  I think that part of the accepting myself first part…

 

Anyway, I want to talk to more girls that are transition and have already transitioned so I can build confidence in myself and share my experiences which might help others.

 

[Anonymous]

Hi Chloe,

I would love to chat, I am in much the same situation as you.  Hugs, Alesha

 

[Anonymous]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hello Chloe and Alesha. I have thought I was a girl throughout my life.  For most of my life there were no words to put a label on who and what i was. I just knew that when I dressed as a girl, which was almost everyday of my life I was so happy and had a sense that this was who I was. I accepted myself as trans approx 6 years ago when all of the discussion was going on about trans access to women’s restrooms. I came out to my wife and teenage daughters since and started HRT 15 months ago. I have the full support of my daughters and kept my marriage together for another 3 years before my transphobic wife finally said last month that she as a straight woman could not be married to a trans lesbian female.

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Like others that have transitioned I have lots of experience navigating through life, work, health care and relationships. Please contact me anytime to ask questions and/or send me a friend request. Let me know what area you live in.

[Chloë Hull]

Hi Jamie & Alesha,

Most of your story resonates with me too.  I spent a lot of time dressing as a girl, but for me, I never really had the opportunity to experience more than some lipstick here and a dress there.  I always longed to dress up all day as a woman, but it never happened.  I’m currently in a trans peer support counselling program and trying to get closer to my own image of myself without raising too much suspicion.

The problem, as I’ve come to realise, is my own opinion of myself.  I’ve developed a very very strong paranoia around being found out.  It became so bad that I put on this act to the world, mostly my own family because it’s their judgement against me being trans that I fear.  This act was the opposite of how I feel.  He was grumpy, didn’t care about anything, didn’t laugh at anything.  I’ve wasted YEARS in this act, and in between having some small rays of sunlight when I dress as Chloë (Chloë is a name I’m testing out to see how I feel, so far I’ve used Sarah).

So lately, I’ve decided to bring that act back to being more authentic slowly.  My daughter painted my nails during lockdown which allowed me to go from “Oh ok if you have to I hope no one sees” to “I think I’m going to get acrylics because I’d like them a little longer”.  My wife was weird about that at the start, but now she understands.  Next on the list was proper care of my skin, maintaining my awful eyebrows, losing 15kg, and shaving off my beard.  That produced a huge boost to my confidence, and I recently was fortunate to have a whole week living as Chloë with the family away.  This was when I decided to come out to my best friend.

She’s been amazing, and last weekend suggested to my daughter that she shave a heart in my chest hair.  My daughter is very mischievous, and my friend just knew that she would not shave a small heart but instead shave a stripe down my front and arm.  This meant I had to shave off all my upper body hair, and I decided to exclaim to my wife. I wanted to be fuzz-free.  Today we bought an at-home IPL machine, and I’m totally excited to get rid of this hair.

Sorry for the rant, I’d love to chat over zoom sometime as that’s a lot easier than typing.  I’m trying to be more open, less paranoid because I think that when I change my opinion of myself, I will be able to come out to my family without feeling the shame I’ve felt for the last 40yrs.

 

[Anonymous]

Hello Chloe

I would be open to chatting on zoom sometime. Do you have a zoom account? Some of your challenges I cannot relate to. I have never had hair on my chest, back or arms. I shaved once under my arms and no hair has regrown. And I need to shave my legs only every several weeks. But other areas of transitioning I can relate to. From different types of Estradiol pills and patches to side effects to trying to deal with family issues. How you can find a gender therapist and get your HRT letters to different types of surgery.

[Anonymous]

Hello Chloe

How are you doing today?

[Chloë Hull]

Thanks Jamie,

I don’t have a zoom under Chloë but I’ll create one..

I think my biggest barrier right now is not being authentic with my family. I want a plan to slowly come out to her. I’ve been in the closet for so long that I don’t think it’s fair to dump all this on her at once. I think it’s better for her to slowly realise that I’m trans by changing how I present myself to the world..

My male presentation was one without any self respect to clothes or hygiene.i hated him and I don’t know why I got to that point… To suddenly switch to being Chloë is too big a jump.

Everything I’ve done so far is to escalate closer to Chloë. So now I have nail polish all the time, do my own nails in front of my wife, do her nails. I discarded all my male shoes and bought female Sketchers. I shaved off my beard. I got my back waxed, then my daughter shaved a pattern in my chest hair and down my arm which meant I *had*to shave everything off, but now I’ve kept it off daily, shaved my legs, under arms. I use body lotion every day, cleanse and moisturize my face, I’m reading the clothes catalogue with her and saying which women’s clothes I would wear.

So in terms of changing the direction of my male presentation, it’s certainly getting closer to how I feel in the inside and my wife is noticing..

Why do this? Because I’m afraid of the outcome of coming out and I’m not strong enough to handle the possibility of the loss.

My son’s friend is trans and my wife and I recently had a good conversation about that. Now I know how she feels about trans people, that she sees the same person in the inside and it’s just the outside that’s different. So I’m hopeful that soon we can have a Frank discussion about where I fit in the spectrum. Last night, after the conversation about my son’s friend, I said that I don’t see myself at the male end of the spectrum.  That was the first foray into the conversation..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Anonymous]

Hello Chloe

I am glad that your wife is understanding and accepts you as you are.  I tried to tell my wife that I am the same inside and only the outside has changed but she never accepted that premise. I told her that because that was what I had read. Before HRT I was cold and distant and I would not let anyone know the real me. But after 8 months on HRT I knew the inside had changed a lot also.  I am open and caring and much more compassionate. So I feel like I am a much better person. But with my wife it has not changed anything; she only looks at the outside. Therefore, the reason for the divorce after a 23 year marriage.

You have been very open to your wife. After everything you have shared don’t you think that she can see where you are headed?  Society on the other hand is a lot less forgiving. Do you live in a small town or in a city?

I could tell you my trans story but it would take a long time. My life has been hard; not as hard as some trans girls that I have known though. Do you use Facebook? If so you could connect to my profile and see everything I have written.

I really feel like you could use a trans friend that has gone through all of this before; I can be that person if you like. I don’t feel like a mentor because that would mean that I am wise and know everything you should do or not do. But I will try to be a good friend for you.  I can also be an encourager for you, although sometimes I feel like I need as much encouragement as the trans people I am trying to help. I started trying to help a trans girl in southwest Louisiana that had not come out yet and I thought that I was helping her. But then she became my BFF and so now we help each other.

After I came out to my wife we stayed together for 3 1/2 years as we tried to work everything out. We had frequent discussions about trans issues. I did not live as my true self during that time because it made it difficult for her.  If I was going out to meet other LGBT friends I would dress as female. I did dispose of all of my male clothes after the first 6 months though.   We all should be cautious in our current society but if our friendship works out I would be open to changing over to texting in addition to using this site. I would be able to be much more responsive to anything you have going on.

Last year I sensed that the purpose of everything I had gone through as trans was to be able to help other trans girls that were struggling. After a year of knowing my BFF I realized I had vacated my purpose of being a trans encourager.  She is the only person that I have known that I would place into a category of a best friend and so I had focused all of my effort on our relationship.  Now I realize that I need to open myself up for more trans people.  If you use FB and want to connect you should be able to locate me under my name of Jamie Renee Harris.

[Shawna Layne]

Hi, Chloe…It’s so nice to have you here!

Love Shawna

[Author]

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