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I’m Stacy Ann, and I’m glad to be here with you all. I’m a transgender woman nearing 50, at the moment still trying to mentally and socially transition.
When I was little I would play with mom’s wigs and makeup and jewelry. Trying to walk in high heels was like a game to me. I only learned later that it was considered “wrong” after being caught in heels one day.
I also remember about first or second grade the older boys at school saying that if a boy even touched the floor of the girls’ bathroom, they would turn into a girl. I vividly recall that my first thought was to make a plan to touch that floor, though I suspected it wouldn’t work. Yet even at that early age, I knew I had to make sure no one saw me trying it.
Another seminal experience was seeing a beautiful woman dressed as a southern belle on a riverboat when I was about 5 or 6. My parents took a picture of me near her. Throughout my years growing up I would sometimes see that innocent picture in our family album and I knew there was something I couldn’t admit to myself about it. It was an exposed secret that I was afraid to confront.
I never properly crossdressed in clothes until I was a teenager, and it was a depressing experience. The first dress I ever had didn’t fit me at all. Instead of feeling good, I felt horrible about it. So, through my teenage and young adult years there was a repeated pattern of purging, repression, denial, anger, depression, ect. as I just couldn’t seem to get a handle on it. I tried convince myself it was a fetish, until I finally got it through my head that most people probably enjoy their fetishes and this might be something on a deeper level.
I also had to realize that I had zero interest in being a man in a dress. This made my desire to present as female even more perplexing and frustrating. I did all I could to wish it away, deny it away, bully myself out of it, reason myself out of it, repress it away and ignore it by distracting myself.
Around 2013, I decided to try a new tactic and seriously attempt to accept it as part of me instead of constantly fighting it. I started to go to a gender support group, but after a few months, I backslid and purged again. It was an especially silly and self-deceptive purge this time because I didn’t purge everything. At that point I was badly lying to myself and blindly believing the lie.
In early 2019 I was looking back on two recent events in my life. I don’t want to really talk about them in detail because I’m a bit ashamed. Suffice it to say they made it impossible for me to ignore this aspect of my life any longer. I decided to try accepting it again. I searched online on a blind chance that there was a non-sexual website for crossdressers, and found the sister site Crossdresser Heaven. I was fortunate enough to be welcomed warmly there, and after ten months I am migrating over here.
I’ve made a little progress. I’ve attended a few more support group meetings, but right now I consider not purging a success. To be honest, it’s still a struggle. My goal is to mentally transition and accept this as part of myself instead of mentally recoiling in horror and fighting a seemingly-endless battle. If I could socially transition, that would be incredible. I would definitely be happy with that.
Thanks for reading this post!
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