Hi there everyone

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #81831
    Stacy Ann May
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m Stacy Ann, and I’m glad to be here with you all. I’m a transgender woman nearing 50, at the moment still trying to mentally and socially transition.

    When I was little I would play with mom’s wigs and makeup and jewelry. Trying to walk in high heels was like a game to me. I only learned later that it was considered “wrong” after being caught in heels one day.

    I also remember about first or second grade the older boys at school saying that if a boy even touched the floor of the girls’ bathroom, they would turn into a girl. I vividly recall that my first thought was to make a plan to touch that floor, though I suspected it wouldn’t work. Yet even at that early age, I knew I had to make sure no one saw me trying it.

    Another seminal experience was seeing a beautiful woman dressed as a southern belle on a riverboat when I was about 5 or 6. My parents took a picture of me near her. Throughout my years growing up I would sometimes see that innocent picture in our family album and I knew there was something I couldn’t admit to myself about it. It was an exposed secret that I was afraid to confront.

    I never properly crossdressed in clothes until I was a teenager, and it was a depressing experience. The first dress I ever had didn’t fit me at all. Instead of feeling good, I felt horrible about it. So, through my teenage and young adult years there was a repeated pattern of purging, repression, denial, anger, depression, ect. as I just couldn’t seem to get a handle on it. I tried convince myself it was a fetish, until I finally got it through my head that most people probably enjoy their fetishes and this might be something on a deeper level.

    I also had to realize that I had zero interest in being a man in a dress. This made my desire to present as female even more perplexing and frustrating. I did all I could to wish it away, deny it away, bully myself out of it, reason myself out of it, repress it away and ignore it by distracting myself.

    Around 2013, I decided to try a new tactic and seriously attempt to accept it as part of me instead of constantly fighting it. I started to go to a gender support group, but after a few months, I backslid and purged again. It was an especially silly and self-deceptive purge this time because I didn’t purge everything. At that point I was badly lying to myself and blindly believing the lie.

    In early 2019 I was looking back on two recent events in my life. I don’t want to really talk about them in detail because I’m a bit ashamed. Suffice it to say they made it impossible for me to ignore this aspect of my life any longer. I decided to try accepting it again. I searched online on a blind chance that there was a non-sexual website for crossdressers, and found the sister site Crossdresser Heaven. I was fortunate enough to be welcomed warmly there, and after ten months I am migrating over here.

    I’ve made a little progress. I’ve attended a few more support group meetings, but right now I consider not purging a success. To be honest, it’s still a struggle. My goal is to mentally transition and accept this as part of myself instead of mentally recoiling in horror and fighting a seemingly-endless battle. If I could socially transition, that would be incredible. I would definitely be happy with that.

    Thanks for reading this post!

    4 users thanked author for this post.
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    • #82019
      Stephanie Kennedy
      Participant

      SILVER
      1. Hi Stacy Ann May. It is horrible how we have treated ourselves .I would think about hurting or treating anyone like we have treated our selves. The lying, denial ,self loathing and shame we cast upon ourselves simply because we came to understand that dressing or feeling like a girl was wrong at a very young age. I was able to enjoy experimenting with my feminine feelings when i was a teenager but ended when i went into denial and shame due to trama i experienced. I again was able to come out when i joined a private club for CD’s and transexuals. That ended with so much denial and shame even though my wife accepted it. I could not accept it. I went to a psychiatrist and told her i had anxiety all the time and depression sometimes I did not tell her about my secret. She gave me meds that did not allow any feelings. Some how i performed and was some what succesful but just not happy. I was just a miserable. It was not until I was in my sixties when I decided to confront those feelings. I found a therapist and at the same time came upon CDH some how last year. I decided to leave my therapist when she told me the reason i felt this way is because i was a woman and my feelings were normal for alot of woman. She told me she wanted me to start with voice therapy. I could not handle it. I stayed with CDH. and learned alot about myself. I have so much in common with a lot of the woman I loved dressing in cute and pretty outfits I loved the feeling i got like so many of the woman. I found out I just wanted a little more. I wanted that feeling all the time. That wonderful feeling of being free and happy It was not about the clothes any more it was about me finally accepting who i am. I am that woman in the mirror. I just not as pretty as i want to be. That will come in time. Sorry, I read your story and i understood because i was there. Good luck Stacy Ann May. I know you will get to where you are going. Stay the course luv Stephanie
      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #81960
      Elizka Anderson
      Participant

      SILVER

      You Matter!

      We All Matter!

       

      Stacy Ann May, my heart goes out to you. The anger, denial, depression are all things I fought with little understanding of why I feel that way.

      We deserve to feel good about ourselves, more than that we deserve to feel great!

      I am also newly on this journey. My goal right now is to accept me in my ❤️. All I want to do is deny, but I know I can’t. Together we can all work through our pain to help each other succeed.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #81841
      Sophie Bourne
      Participant

      SILVER

      Hi Stacy Ann, and welcome!

      I’m also quite new, just joined in January, but finding the support and community here really helpful. I think you will too.

      I recognise the experience of stopping, starting, purging, over and over, and how horrible if must have been making you feel about yourself.

      This might help: you are who you are and there is nothing wrong with who you are. Plus the world has changed. There is no need to hide or feel shame any more.

      Just sending you a friendship request now xx

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #81839
      Candy Cox
      Participant

      FREE

      Glad you’re here, I’m new too. Keep positive, read the good articles. You will make it!!!

      1 user thanked author for this post.
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