How a starfish saved my life

[Melanie Taylor]

Hi Ladies

I have been asked to tell this story; it’s the short version, I still cannot bear to relate the long one even after 23 years. It is known to a therapist and one other person.

This story relates to the darkest period in my life to date. I can guarantee the tears will come as I’m writing.

I was living in Sunderland in north east England (for those that don’t know, a town that had seen better times). It also relates to me in my male persona in 1994 and 1995.

A relation had ended in almost the most tragic way possible and I had been cited in her suicide note as one of the reasons for her actions. Devastation doesn’t even come close; if my heart had been a glass bowl before, it was now a pile of sand. Her mother had read my love’s note to me over the phone and over the following days those words resounded in my head, iredeemably spiralling down and dragging me with them. I sank lower and lower and with no one to talk to decided I couldn’t live with myself any longer. I had a life changing head injury at the end of January 1994 and at the time of this story was still having blackouts and seizures.

Anyway, in early March 1995 when these events took place, I got up in the middle of the night, not expecting to return. I walked south for miles to a place I knew well called Blackhall Rocks and just sat on the cliff top by myself for over 24 hours, fully intending to jump.

For some reason, I decided to walk down to the beach one last time. The tide was going out fast and as I walked along came across a starfish stranded on the sand. As I approached it curled up the end of one of its arms in supplication, as if to say “please help me”. I thought ” you and me both, we’re both stranded somewhere we can’t live” and burst into tears yet again.

Gently, I picked the creature up and carried it to a deep rockpool that I knew would retain enough water over the low tide and gently let it go. As I turned to walk away a thought struck me. If I could have compassion for a distressed fellow creature in my darkest hours I couldn’t be a bad person after all. A new feeling surged through me, Mother Nature had entered my heart and soul and I was no longer alone. I began the long walk home but with a lighter heart. Sure, I had saved the starfish’s life but it had saved me right back.

It was another few years before I started getting therapy and no longer blame myself for what happened. I can see how suicide is the biggest killer of young men, those cliff tops can have loads of flowers placed there by grieving loved ones and it always brought a tear to my eye whenever I saw them.

My former love survived and I like to think got the help she so desperately needed. I did.

 

 

[𝓜𝒾𝓈𝓈 𝓒𝓁ℴℯ́ 💋💋]

What a wonderful touching story.  Helping out here and on CDH are both cathartic for me in a way that let some know I can help even when things are dark.  I wish that someone had recognized that I was not in a sustainable place, but rather I was taught how to live in this suit and behave certain ways so I didn’t create problems for those who were just fine as they are.  It was almost like being the boy or girl in the bubble, unable to interact in my natural way.  Eventually I found the courage to begin exploring who I really was and the bubble just had to go.  With the encouragement of people on CDH I did it and now I just want to help back.

Hugs, Cloe

[Danielle Fox]

What a devastating time in your life. Through the starfish I believe someone or something was watching over you. I have recently had a serious vehicle accident where I suffered a serious concussion which I am still coming back from. 4 1/2 weeks and I am not recuperated yet. Even with my concussion I cannot fathom the depth of pain you must have felt and anguish at your loss. My prayers and heart go out to you in hopes that you can know peace some day. I thank you for your strength to tell us this small portion of your life. May the Lords peace be upon you and keep you. Love ❤️ and hugs 🤗

Danielle💋👠

[Melanie Taylor]

Hi Danielle

Thank you for your reply. Ever since that time I have felt a presence beside me. Something guiding me through my life and now transition. I have learned to obey the little voice in my mind that says “Melanie, it’s time to go” and things like that. When I’ve listened and obeyed I find I’ve avoided a potentially nasty situation, car thieves, muggers etc.

I have also found that white feathers appear out of the blue; when I found one stuck to my car I know I’m going to have a good day. They also guide me to the wildlife I want to see, mostly rare flowers.

My most memorable dreams have turned out to be prophetic, the last one was a bit disturbing: opening a cupboard in an old house and having a load of snaked tumbling down over me. They mostly went over my head or through my legs and not one if them bit me. No idea what that means but I’ll find out over the next few weeks.

Love and peace to you too dear, keep faith that things always turn out for the best. It didn’t feel like it at the time but those bad experiences have made me stronger over time. I might train as a counsellor in future if I get too ill for my current job.

Hugs and xxxx from Melanie, your loving sister.

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