How/when to “come out”

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #101938
    Stephanie Mac
    Participant

    Hi.  I am 39 with a wife and 3 kids and have questioned my gender all my life and am looking to get therapy.

    Lately I have felt depressed that I can’t express myself.  I feel like a balloon with air continously going in and if I don’t let it out it will pop. I am currently growing my hair out and am loving it.

    My question to those who have/had a significant other and/or kids…when did you tell them (before/after therapy) and how did you tell them?

    Seeking advice so my balloon doesn’t pop!

    Thanks,

    Stephanie

    4 users thanked author for this post.
Viewing 8 reply threads
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    Replies
    • #109908
      Haley Ann
      FREE

      Wow…interesting thread! I suppose many of us are like me, not even sure who or what I am. Am I a CD, am I trans, or am I just crazy?  I originally found this site through Hannah McKnight, but it didn’t seem like me so I went over to CDH, became active and just assumed I was a CD. Dressing has always had a sexual connotation for me, but the last two years the more I dressed and worked on looking fem (weight loss, smooth body, make-up, actual clothes instead of just lingerie, etc.) the more it began to just feel right. I love being Haley, softer, more emotional, and sexy as hell (and girls get told when they look sexy, and who does not like being told they look desirable?).  Physically, I find myself and my sexual desires have also shifted and I enjoy a man that treats me like a woman…in and out of the bedroom. Having crossed that line, I find it impossible to put Haley “back in her box”. And I don’t even want to, yet fear of this drastic change, fear of how I believe this would just destroy my family, our closeness, maybe our finances, keeps me living as I always have. I have come out to a couple of friends, both GGs. One is younger than me, a free spirit and she was very accepting. The other, although also very open-minded, was not so sure how to take me having known me as a man for 30 years. Both asked me what I hoped to gain by coming out at home, and I really could not answer. 40+ years married to my high school sweetheart, grandparents and we live on the same street, families intertwined and so many good things. Yet I live in this almost constant state of angst with a person that has also changed as we’ve aged, feeling as if I would be judged so harshly…although the physical and mental  changes I have made are certainly evident.

      However, it sure looks good from the outside looking in. But this time, Haley does not want to go back in the box, she wants to say “look at me, this is who I am”!  For me, it’s not about self-discovery…f**k, I’m 65 years old. It’s more about deciding whether the status quo is better or some sort of change is better…and being willing to accept and live with the outcome either way.

      I guess we are all more alike than we are different,,,

      Haley😘

    • #109907

      Thank you to all who take the time to provide insight and support.  I am really struggling to even generate the nerve, as I am afraid of what I would lose.  I used to question my thoughts, but I denied it to the point they would die down but never go away; but since I FINALLY accepted this part of myself, the intensity of has never been as great, or as sustained.  I am really trying to see myself in my future and am picturing me as a woman more and more.

      Regarding how I chose my name, I think it was rather easy…I remember when I was about 7   I overheard my mom my talking to my aunt about names and that if I was born a girl, my names would be Stephanie.  I remember thinking when I was about 13 or 14 about that and thinking IF ONLY!

      Again, thank you for all the support.

      Stephanie

    • #109847

      Perhaps I’m unusual? As an only child, and without parents I didn’t have a gender role, sister with dolls, mothers clothes to dress up in so ‘coming out’ wasn’t something I had ever seen as an event. It has been being a woman on the inside without actually knowing I was. I’ve never liked the outside of me and avoid photos or my reflection at all cost. I’ve since found virtually all my friends (99% women) have known all along and are being incredibly supportive. I obviously haven’t or can’t hide it very well.
      I’ve always looked feminine and have long hair. Almost all my girlfriends have been bisexual so perhaps I’m the last to know. The penny actually dropped a few months ago…and this is all I want now. With hormones now…I can be the complete me, years ago it wasn’t an option.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #109833

      Hi Stephanie,

      Well you already have a new name, Stephanie, that is a good start.  I went to a psychologist prior to telling my wife.  First my primary care physician, who referred me to the psychologist.  I personally needed this to learn to effectively talk to myself about these  issues.  My wanting to be a girl all my life didn’t give me insights into coming out as an adult with a wife of 33 years.  Last October I came out to my wife, and girl! she was pissed.  She tried to talk me out of being something I very much already was.  She offered to let me dress up in the house.  She said a lot of things that had me reeling.  That is my wife, a person I put through law school twice, a person that didn’t have a job for the first 10 years of our marriage, but controlled all the money.  That all changed when I came out: I now have separate finances, separate bathrooms & bedrooms, separate meals most of the time.  Sad!

      You need to be honest with yourself about what kind of wife you have.  Mine is so self-centered it is freaky; I needed to see a psychologist first.  You may have a loving and giving wife; I guess you will find out.  I would recommend that you come out to your primary care doctor first, and ask how to proceed.  Arrange for a face-to-face visit with the psychologist (post-pandemic), then if you are comfortable with it; come out to your wife, privately, in the evening with a few hours to burn, alone…no kids anywhere.  Allow for a slow careful discussion and prepare to cry (I cried a lot).  Maybe she will go with you to see the psychologist, but at least you can say you are seeking help, professional help.

      My wife is leaving me, but if she didn’t I would leave her.  I wish for you a better outcome.  I am 30 years older then you and am comfortably retired.  You have many more issues that need evaluating.  I gained so much by coming out and starting HRT, but I also lost many things.  What can you lose, what can you not afford to lose, or not want to lose.   This is the individual aspect of transgenderism.

      Woman have almost 100% been supportive (except my wife), while men have close to 100% frowned upon my decision to be a woman.  Men have such disdain for woman, literally why would any man ever want to give up being a man just to become a woman!  A broken down slob in worn out jeans and really bad hair still looks down on woman.  Sad!

      Well, I probably haven’t helped you much.  I am much happier now, maybe that is important enough to you.

      Good Luck

      Lukcia

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #109854

        Lukcia, thank you for what you wrote, a lot of what you have gone through is like my life, I have been forty year with my wife, I do wish we could stay together, but I know love is not enough.                                I know after living female for the last 8 months, plus I thru away all my male clothes the first day of my new life, it told my wife it was not just addiction, it is who I was meant to be all my life.

        timmie

         

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #109811
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Stephanie:

      Coming out is a very important thing to do. But, here’s the thing: It needs to happen on your own terms. The process is nothing more than telling YOUR reality, what you feel and how that causes you difficulty. Basically it is your story. However, it you are outed by someone else, it becomes VERY hard to tell your story. Someone else has stolen the narrative and what comes out will likely be tainted by their misinformation, assumptions and prejudices. That situation does you no good and it is very hard for you to regain control…

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #101964
      SophieFR
      MANAGING EDITOR

      Hi.  I am 39 with a wife and 3 kids and have questioned my gender all my life and am looking to get therapy.

      Lately I have felt depressed that I can’t express myself.  I feel like a balloon with air continously going in and if I don’t let it out it will pop. I am currently growing my hair out and am loving it.

      My question to those who have/had a significant other and/or kids…when did you tell them (before/after therapy) and how did you tell them?

      Seeking advice so my balloon doesn’t pop!

      Thanks,

      Stephanie

      My advice to how you go about what you decide is the best route for you, nobody else can tell you what you should do. You will arrive at your path to transcend this situation.

      The one and most important aspect are your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions of yourself. If you can maintain a highly positive sense and feeling that this will go forward in a good way without conflict and pain, you begin to create that outcome. When you think about this, speak or write about it, use only positive words and only discuss it in that way. When you think about to outcome, try to feel in your mind and yourself how great you will feel when you come out the other side of this with great results and support. Know that you have the ability to create your own future. Everything that you think, say and write can and will have an influence on what happens for the rest of your life.

      Perhaps, reflect on your life with that in mind and see if you can see how you have got to the point you are at now! It may be the way that you can connect with this in yourself. I write this on the basis of my own experiences and what I have learned from others and been taught.

      I send you my love to help you take the right road for your future and that you will know which is the one to take

      Sophie

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #101963

      Therapy…. naw, not for me. Never saw the need for it.

      I told my wife (of 29 yrs) last July of my CD/TG. I just came out (no pun intended) and told her. My dressing/makeup/bling was escalating and she would have found out eventually… so I thought best to tell her rather than her ‘accidentally’ finding out on her own. Who knows what thoughts may have gone through her mind. Didn’t want her to be hurt.

      She was very apprehensive at first, but now is 99% on board.

      Sounds like you are at the point where you need to tell someone… and that someone needs to be your wife. Don’t wait for ‘the right moment’, there will never be a right moment. Just sit her down and tell her. You’ll feel much better for it.

      As you must be aware, the ‘Talk’ could go good, or it could go bad… or anywhere in between. Be prepared for the worst case scenario.

      I hope all goes well for you…

      Love,

      Gen ❤

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #101961
      Michelle Liefde
      MANAGING EDITOR

      Hi Stephanie,

      I think working with a therapist with trans experience is a good start.  I just recently told my therapist and found out that she has worked with other trans folks so scored a win.  As for coming out, only my therapist and my wife know.  And my wife was first.   We have been together for 20 years, married for over 14 of them and I told her about 3-4 years ago.  I don’t like holding secrets from her but this was something I buried deep inside and has been growing since coming out to myself about 5 years ago. I got very lucky that she is willing to be part of my discovery of what this all means.  I would say giving your partner time to think over something that you have been thinking over for a very long time can be key.  I would recommend reading She’s Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan. I just finished it and found it very helpful.

      Michelle

       

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #101953
      Rebecca
      SILVER

      go to the doctor tell them u want to start HRT. And then do it and a week later tell everyone…its no big deal.iy was completely uneventful for me and I did it a 62Me

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #101954

        Assume you need to go to an endocrinologist or would a general practice be able to prescribe.

        I also want to do it without hurting my wife.  I am just coming to grips myself on the fact I have lied to myself for years.

        Thanks,

        Steph

        2 users thanked author for this post.
        • #101962

          Hey Steph…

          Your GP should be able to prescribe it for you.

          You were in ‘Denial’… you didn’t Lie to yourself. Two very different things.

          All human beings have a feminine side and a masculine side… It’s Very Normal. There is nothing wrong with exploring/expressing your feminine side… it’s a wonderful thing.

          We have been raised in a society where both GG/GB have been Brainwashed into believing (for most), that girls are Pink… boys are Blue, girls play with dolls… boys play with toy cars, girls can cry… boys must not. Girls can express their femininity… boys, Must Not.

          Those are the opinions/beliefs of others… Who Are They to dictate, to you and I how to live our lives, how to feel, how to act, what to wear

          It’s Your life, Your world… live it how You see fit. Don’t let anyone else tell you any different…

          Love,

          Gen ❤

           

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