I am women…Finally

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  • #91872

    Hi ! Just starting on my path to women, but very happy. Just turned 68 years old and finally can do what I have wanted for years. I am Lukcia !!

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    • #92405

      I am just about finished reading an amazing book that has touched me more then most books.  Turtles All The Way Down by John Green.  The story is about a teenager in either 11 or 12 grade.  She doesn’t believe she actually exists and has developed various self-inflicted injuries to remind herself that she is real.  She also has great conflict with how the minutiae of the environment has more influence over her thoughts then she does.  Her thoughts and her actions are reactive in nature, so they are not really hers.

      The book develops this exceedingly well.  About one-half of the way through a boy she meets has a blog where he posts poems and quotes followed by a short essay.   Some of them are so profound I found myself crying at 3 AM while reading.

      The book made me think about this forum: “I am a women…finally”.  The connection between my thoughts on this topic and the books content is reaffirming in a special way.  I reviewed my path to this position where I am seeking to become a women.  To become a women is wrong.  I am a women, and as a child I was a girl.  As a child I was a girl no matter what they said or did to me.  My father would point out that I had boy things, and thus I was a boy.   I would look at the boy things and wonder what did they have to do with it.  I was a girl in my heart & mind.  (and actions when ever I could get away with it)

      My parents and society in general tried to kill the girl that was me so that the boy could take over.  Little did they know, and little did I know that they would have to physically kill me to kill the girl, to remove her from the equation.  I was a girl!

      I was a girl that danced and spun, and wore pretty cloths.  The “they” layered me with their behavioral expectations; year after year, layer after layer: I grew up to resemble a man, but they never killed the girl.  I lived a man’s life on the outside in public.  I was good at it and out-manned most men.  It wasn’t that bad because I always loved the challenge as a military officer and veterinarian, but I was a women inside the whole time.  I was a strong women, and I love strong women: I married one.

      The point of this rant is this: I would say to a few and myself that “I want to be a women”.  I am not going to say that any more; from now on its “I am a women”.  She is in here with me, she is covered up with 68 years of expectations an thoughts that are not mine.  Its not 68 layers of imposed values, but thousands and thousands of layers, each created by an event that may be a year long or a second long.

      I am a women that few can see, often I can’t see her, but I feel her always.

      Turtles All The Way Down; a worthy read.

      Lukcia Patricia Sullivan

    • #92363

      Hi ! Just starting on my path to women, but very happy. Just turned 68 years old and finally can do what I have wanted for years. I am Lukcia !!

      Yay, you go girl! Tell me more about you experiences over the past many years just like me! Hugs, Jessie

      • #92364

        Hi Jessie,

        I was born legally blind with 20/400 vision, but in 1952 no one tested children for that.  I was in sixth grade before anyone tested me, and that is after failing a couple of grades.  I was tall and very skinny.  Later I would enter the military at 6’3″ and 115 lbs.  I initially grew up attached to my mother due to fear of most everything else.  I didn’t know I was blind.  I thought I was a girl for the first 4 to 5 years, at which time I was informed otherwise.  I would get caught dressing in my sisters clothes, or kissing a boy playing house, and would be punished.  In school I played with the girls, at summer camp / recreational park I would play with the girls: I embroidered arm covers for all the chairs in my house.  I couldn’t play boy type games because one needs to see a baseball or basketball to catch them.  I could ride a bike, but couldn’t see holes or obstacles, and would crash. When I was in 6th grade my eyes were tested; a few weeks later I got my first pair of glasses and my first question was “Can all of you see this?”.  In the military during the Viet Nam war I was picked on as gay, I was regularly threatened with rape, and was raped a couple of times.  In 1974 I left the service and entered college.   I did well, I had the Viet Nam GI bill and got through 5 years of college debt free.  I continued to spend 5 years on a PhD in Microbiology and Cell Science, then another 4 years in Veterinary College; at this time I am no longer debt free, but served in ROTC to defer much of the costs.  My senior year as an undergraduate I spent cross dressed; what freedom!  I attempted to arrange for a gender affirming surgery at John Hopkins, but the 2 to 3 year phyco-analysis & costs prevented that.  Once I went home and when my father saw that I had shaved all my body hair off he took me outside an very sincerely threatened to kill me if I was gay.

        I am now a retired Field-Grade Military Officer with two commands in combat zones, and a retired Federal Law Enforcement Agent.  I have been married for 32 years; a women I married that promised me children, but never gave me one.  Most of me loves her, but a part of me hates her.  During 32 years of marriage my wife would often come to me and say “I want to be…something”, I always supported her.  Law school twice, many hobbies, and tons of special vacations as in “I want to be in Italy”  Now I have finally asked her one time a want: “I want to be a girl”, and she indicated that upon a surgery she is gone.  I always say “girl” because as a 4 or 5 year old I didn’t dream of becoming a women, I wanted to be a girl.

        I am on hormone therapy for 2 1/2 months now, and I like me better, I think I am nicer, and I am growing small breasts.  As a man I didn’t like most men; I hated them talking about women as if they were just genitals.  My wife told me: “If you do this you will lose all your friends”, to which I said “What friends”.  I have friends, but very few, and all of them are busy professionals like I was until retirement.  My relationships with my few friends is intellectual in nature, uneducated men want nothing to do with me already, much less after I complete transition.

        Since I started on this course of action I have given up alcohol.  As a man I drank way too much, now I don’t miss it.

        That’s it.  That is my story in a nutshell.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #91916

      Dear Lukcia,

       

      Congratulations! You win! Not only are you a woman but you                     beat me by five years. I got my SRS this past June in Montreal,                     Canada. I’m 73 years young. My only regret was that I wasn’t                           able to transition sooner. I am finally at peace.

      We, in the “T” community, have faced so many  challenges.                           No matter, we are strong. We couldn’t  have come this far if we                      hadn’t been “bad A*s Strong.”. But think about how so totally                        blessed we all are to have been born in ‘this age’ of medical                             miracles. Pity those poor tormented souls of ages past who                           had no choice but to bear a heavy burden to the grave.  Amen.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #91891
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Lukcia:

      As always, better late than never. The thing is, I believe that things happen when the right elements come together. It may be that you, and the events and circumstances surrounding you, were not ready years ago. Anyway, the important thing now is to move forward purposefully and with conscious thought. No points for speed here…

      I encourage you to fill in your Profile page as well as you can. It helps people understand how things are going for you and where you are in your journey…

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #91880
      Jamie Harris
      SILVER

      Welcome Lukcia. I am a 64 year old trans girl living in Dallas and on HRT for 18 months. It is certainly a different time than it was when we are young. Welcome to this group.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #91930

        I can’t believe how committed  I have become because of the support I received from this web page.

         

        I will continue to grow

        1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #91881

        Jamie,

        Thank you for your greeting.  I so look forward to learning and growing into a women.  I hope I am a better women then when I was a man.

        Please keep being supportive

        Lukcia

        2 users thanked author for this post.
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