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I was talking to my wife and came out to her. I told her I think I am transgender. At the time it was a question but I think it is no longer deniable. I knew since I was 5 years old I was meant to be a woman but thought I would be better off in denial. My wife told me if I do HRT she could no longer support me but she still loved me. What changed? I’m not a different person. All of the things you wish Bruce could do, I am more than willing to do. She said she didn’t sign up for being married to a woman. Did I sign up for being born a man? Nobody asked me what gender I wanted to be. It was the luck of the draw and I drew a shit hand. The only chance at life and how can I fold when three lives depend on me? How could she stop loving me even though I would sacrifice myself for all we have? So many men make this facade seem so easy to maintain. Yet even when I know I have so much to appreciate, I feel discontent. This is the guide to be a selfish a-hole.
Pfifer, as someone who made the decision to sacrifice self happiness for family, I will tell you this. There is no good solution pain is with either decision you make. At least it is for me. The question is, how much emotion stress you can take before you snap. If you scrap your marriage and family it will hurt for the rest of your life, and not only for you but your kids and wife. If you decide to scrap your self it will hurt you for the rest of your days. I have said it before how selfish are you? How much does your self love out weigh your love for your wife and kids. For me personally I only see a blank in my life when the kids are finally on their own and grown up. Half the time I am under the impression I will cease to exist at that time. Lots of people live with pain and depression and incurable disease. They learn that a life of pain is all they have. It sucks I know, but I am sorry it is going to hurt you.
Sorry for not sugar coating the truth.
Miriya
😔😔😔
47 years later…
My wife walked in on me 5 years into our marriage. At the time, I was convinced that I was “just a
transvestite,make that, cross-dresser,” since the other has negative connotations. All I knew was that I had been at it since I was nine and the sure cure, marriage, hadn’t worked. So didn’t make any promises that I’d never do it again. I knew I couldn’t stop.After a discussion, she settled on, “Do it if you must, but don’t let me see it.” Her words. It boiled down to that if I went in the bedroom and closed the door, she wouldn’t come in without knocking and I could do what ever I needed to in the bedroom only.
The first of many compromises. Each one a little less restrictive. Slowly, but surely, I gain more freedom to express my feminine side. I took nearly 30 years of incremental gains to reach a point of freedom to dress as I wanted anytime I wanted at home and to be able to come and go en femme. During that time, I determined that I was indeed transgendered, but that I’d never really pursue transition. Though I’d been fantasizing about how to manage a self-medicated HRT to grow breasts. There weren’t many options for transgendered treatment in those days.
Finally, after my kids have grown, and my grandkids have reached adulthood, I’m on HRT. My wife has come to a point of realizing that I’m still the person she married, just not the person she thought she married.
How did I make it all work? I went out of my way to see her needs were met. I slowly introduced my feminine nature into seeing to those needs. When she balked at a change I wanted to make, I held off and poured on the good husband process.
It wasn’t until my brother turned up with prostate cancer (my father had prostate cancer listed as his cause of death) that I found the excuse I needed to go on testosterone blockers. prostate cancer feeds on testosterone, blockers limit the available testosterone.
OK, so I cheated a little. Blockers don’t really prevent prostate cancer. The best you can get out of it is to slow the progression if you get it. Then I pointed out that with the blockers I was halfway to HRT. She allowed that since it would take up to five years for there to be a real change, she’d be OK with it.
So, I’m two and a half years into HRT 47 years after the first confrontation. Don’t let me see it, to open dressing and HRT. Baby steps the whole way.
I think baby steps is the only way to go at this point. It would be nice to wake up one day this year and she honestly tell me she is ready to spend her life with the the fully authentic me. But I feel like I have taken so long to come to terms with who I am so I need to help her pace herself through this.
Greetings Miriya,
Your reply is excellent, the needed balance to, “You have a right to be happy” or any other equivalent that is “self” centered.
True love is always, “seeking what is best for the other.” I wrestle with what my transition would do to those I love. At this point as much as I would love to live full time as Charrie, I don’t see how this is best for them. i.e. would my transition – the taking away of this male figure in their voices and replacing him with a trans woman – really be what is best for them? I can’t see that it would.
I guess I haven’t learned how to use the quote feature yet, but in response to Miriya’d reply:
Greetings Miriya,
Your reply is excellent, the needed balance to, “You have a right to be happy” or any other equivalent that is “self” centered.
True love is always, “seeking what is best for the other.” I wrestle with what my transition would do to those I love. At this point as much as I would love to live full time as Charrie, I don’t see how this is best for them. i.e. would my transition – the taking away of this male figure in their voices and replacing him with a trans woman – really be what is best for them? I can’t see that it would.
I think what needs to happen in order to get a better understanding of how spouse feel, flip this around. Assuming that you are a cis-person, what would your reaction be if your spouse came home one day and said that they were transgender and are considering transition? Think about that for a while and see what comes up for you. It is a more than valid question as hopefully it should shed some light on the full context of this issue and how it may play out for everyone involved…
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