- This topic has 17 replies, 17 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by
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And here’s a photo of me not passing, right before I went to my hrt appointment 🙂 I know it doesn’t look like much in this picture but it was my first time dressing out at all, and it sure felt great.
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Rebecca, while I do understand polls, I have always felt they left out some options. Don’t misunderstand, but I’m just more of the narrative, expressive type. My doctors and the hospitals want me to take surveys, but instead I just wrote them letters. Anyway, back to your poll….. The term ‘passing’ is such a subjective word to many. For example, I am 65 and you can guess my hairline is receding just a bit. Okay, a fair amount. But I see some older women in stores that have thinning hair like mine, so for now I’m okay with things. So ‘passing’ can mean a world of things. To me, the big thing is ‘do I feel good about me’? and the answer to that is yes. But I also understand your context. Do I ‘pass’ enough to at least look like I fit in the world; or some similar thought. And asking, and thinking, about that question shows a degree of caring about the others around you feel, so as not to make them uncomfortable. I applaud you being courteous enough to care. Hugs, Michelle
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Rebecca:
This is a very significant thing that many trans people agonize over. The important thing is to figure out what works for you. Some are of the opinion that you MUST pass, but that thought process creates a lot of terrible feelings for those who don’t. To me that is unfair. For sure folks need to do what they feel is best, but trying to extend that to what we all must do isn’t appropriate.
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Hi Rebecca and it is an ambiguous question. Once again I find my self onside with Michelle Larsen. Passing in what way, visual, clothes, manner, voice? To feel you are what you want to be, all those boxes need ticking. Voice possibly more than any ( there is an amazing article on TGH for voice feminisation…I’m on the EvaF course now). If you sound and talk like a woman the visuals are far less important. So to pass at what distance? Across the street, in a queue for a bus or up close with a friend or loved one? Makeup and clothes get all the attention but I believe that is only part of picture. So yes I care about passing…but not just visually. X
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I guess my thoughts are on this are more from a trans friend. She is older and is six foot three with really broad shoulders and thinning hair. She doesn’t wear a wig. She grew out her hair and has a really nice feminine hairstyle. You look at her and you just know she is not a “cis woman”. She even acknowledges it herself and she simply doesn’t care what other people think. She is happy with how she looks and acts and presents herself to the world. It is what has and does work for her. Sure she gets all the usual comments that we all hear. She just shrugs and goes on her way. How she feels internally she has never shared with me, nor have I asked.
As I begin my transformation journey, I was at first very concerned with the term “passing”. I have started going out fully dressed. The more I go out in public I am finding that I am becoming more comfortable. Not in close-up spaces yet. I am still concerned with the “passing the eye test”. Will I ever get there? I don’t know. Out walking through my apartment complex and walking through the neighborhood in which I live, I am beginning to be comfortable being the woman I am. I have been up close to people as I pass them and they have looked at me and kept on walking by. If they have noticed anything, they have not made any comment to me. I know one day that will change. How I will react, I don’t know. I will figure it out when I get there.
So I say you have to do what makes you feel validated and feel comfortable with. That is all that really matters in the end. I too agree the term passing is a pretty broad general term. what you consider passing another may not.
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I make an effort to be passable when out in public. I do appreciate it when I get compliments, but if people are critical of me, I don’t let it bother me.
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I use to go out shopping fully dressed on a weekly basis. I was on hormones and passable, I always took care to blend as best I could. I had my share of cat calls and was exposed on a few occasions. I can tell you one thing, passing while out shopping with my wife was the best experience….. I am struggling to get back to that now. Oh well … Off to do my Sweating to the oldies dvd ! Never give up ladies
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Hi Rebecca, I don’t know if your avitar picture is since the HRT, but either way you are very, very passable! I also saw that you are married. I am too, probabluy a little older than you, and have been on Spiro for almost 2 months. I start estrogen in a month or so, hopefully.
I hope you can keep your marriage together. My wife is hanging in there for now, but she thinks she won’t be attracted to me after I feminize further, so it’s day-to-day.
Hugs,
Brielle
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I feel like I’m the odd duck on this one. Passing is vital to me, I’m not an activist, and I’m not here to change the world. I’m here for me. It sounds selfish, but here me out. The main reason it has taken me so long to start transitioning is because I am very harmony focused (INFP). I’ve seen people weaponize their Trans Identity in ways that have really soured those around me.
I come from a fairly conservative blue color family, and they make for a pretty good barometer of what is palatable. I’ve seen over the years how Gay and Lesbian relations have become accepted through none aggressive normalization. My dad used be pretty homophic when I was young, do to much of the “We’re Here, We’re Queer, Get Use To It” mentality of the time. All people are tribal, and this is an aggressive act against then Societal Norms. People In the Gay community doing outlandish thigs to “Own the Squares” Only made things worse for everyone that wasn’t and extremist. Then Will and Grace happened, it was my dad’s favorite show. It was humanizing to see same sex attracted people in everyday life. Now my dad’s best friends are the gay neighbors.
I now not everyone can pass, but feel we could bridge the divide better with more Mathilda Hogbergs and less GameStop Ma’ams. When I come out, hopefully the only people that will know are those I’ve told, and hopefully the knowledge that that otherwise normal woman was one a man will soften their views on trans people. Integration begets Acceptance at least as fair as I’ve experienced.
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I have “come out” to the world now, started living full time as the woman I am, all the escape routes have been cut off and I am committed to the new path that has been placed in front of me. Do I pass? Probably sometimes and probably not sometimes. Do I care anymore? No. I am who I am and I have to be true to the person I am and have always been since birth. That person is Lauren and she is beautiful!!
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Lauren, I was going to post my own response here, but you pretty much said what I was going to say. I voted that “passing” is “somewhat important” to me, figuring that most people here take “passing” to mean “assumed by others to be a natural woman.” I mean, I would LOVE to always be taken by others as a natural woman. I have some pretty good anecdotal evidence that I often am. But in all honesty, I have to say I am sure I get “read” sometimes, or at least leave people uncertain. THOSE are the really important times. How do people react then? Around my home area (southern Calif.), there has been (to date) scarcely any reaction at all, beyond perhaps a slight sign of recognition and then . . .continuing to treat me as a woman. If people around you will readily accept you as a woman, even though they think you may not be one, you’re “passing” in every sense that really matters! IMHO.
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Hi Rebecca. I always thought with the right makeup application that I would pass. Sadly that was not the case. Even after makeup classes and professional makeovers I still am not passable. I decided that to live my authentic self, passing did not matter. I now live and enjoy life as the woman I was meant to be. I may not be gorgeous but I am femme and accepted in my community.
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I care more now than ever as I age. However, it’s not about passing as much as it is about blending. I at some point realized when I blend in with my surroundings, I pass. I require a lot less glamour for an evening, and a lot more ordinary for everyday. I think this logic came to be when I came out to the world. Glam is great, just not practical.
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It’s never been an issue to me as my body shape guarantees that I will never 100% pass. While I wear size 8 bottoms, I have a barrel chest and shoulder width 2 inches larger than the average male my age and 4 inches larger than then the average female my age. I don’t really care. I know who and what I am and I’m very happy with it. Do I get misgendered? Not as much as I expected after moving deep into the right wing heart of Pence country, and I get referred to as maam or she/her often enough that it both surprises me as well as pleases me very much. I do the best I can given what I have and what I’ve learned so far and I am satisfied. I know it will take the HRT at least 3 more years before it’s done all the magic it can do, and if there is anything I’ve learned in my 70 years it’s patience and the benefits of delayed gratification.
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