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I don’t know where else to post this or if it’d get taken down or sometihng,i just don’t know where else to post this.
I hate my body,i hate my life,i wish i was dead,in all honesty if i had a gun i would just shoot myself rn beause i can’t take it anymore.Everyone hates me,my so called “Friends” on Discord hate me now and don’t want to talk to em,i’m all f*cking alone and i can’t take it anymore.The dyspohria has also become overbearing and i don’t think i can take it anymore,especially in my current situation.Sometimes i just wish i had cancer or some deadly disease that would kill me because i simply cann’t take it anymore.I wish i was dead.i don’t want to live anymore,I want the pain to and as soon as possible and stuff…
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I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, and when I’m really depressed one of the best things I can do is be around people, preferably someplace with a band you can dance to. Forcing myself to go out is one of the hardest things I ever do, but it’s never failed to lift my spirits, especially if I can dance. Trust me when I say I’m not a good dancer, but I am a very enthusiastic one, and just listening to the music and letting your body move can be very therapeutic. As I said, it’s the hardest thing I ever do for myself, and it never fails to let me forget about the rest of the world and just take care of myself, even if I don’t talk to a soul. I don’t know what your situation is, but it’s something worth thinking about if it’s something you could do.
Elli
My dear Winterfrost, please do something for me before you reply. Go outside and scream at the world. Scream at the sun or moon and stars and anything else you want. Vent some of that anger at the universe so you can discuss things in a semi-calm state.
Once that’s done, there is something my father told me almost 60 years ago, and it’s something most people don’t understand. He told me that if I get through life with 3 true friends I’ll be doing better than average. Most of the people you will interact with in your life are acquaintances, not friends. Friends have your back, always. A friend is someone you can call at 3am, tell them you’ve broken down a couple hundred miles from home, and they’ll tell you they will be there in a couple hours and do they need to bring you anything. It took me decades to learn this, but today I have people in half a dozen states that would drop everything if I told them I needed them.
Then I’d like to know specifically what it is you hate that you have absolutely no control over, and those things you hate that, with help and support, you can influence. There are dozens, if not hundreds of people that have dealt with similar feelings at some point in their life, and most of us will do what ever we can to help you. Besides all the good folks here, I can recommend several other very good, supportive, helpful groups that have given me a shoulder to cry on when I felt overwhelmed along with suggestions and useful advice about dealing with all the stuff I (and you) have the ability to influence in our own lives. Transitioning isn’t easy, in large part because we generally have to do it alone. We’re going through a puberty without the support group that most cis girls have a to help them learn and deal with the all the changes. The fact that there have been at least half a dozen supportive replies to you in the last 24 hours should tell you that there are people that really do care.
Can you identify what it is that stops you from believing in yourself? Other people’s opinions? Don’t let any person’s opinion of you become your reality. You are the one in control of your transition, and the fact that you chose to rant here (rants are good) tells me you really don’t want to end it all, but you have no idea which direction to take your next step.
You mention you don’t like your body. What is it you don’t like or don’t want to accept? I know I will never truly pass, and it’s not an issue to me. I won’t ever fully pass because I’m half an inch shorter than the average male, but my shoulders are 2 inches wider than that average, and 4 inches wider than the average female my age. It was an issue to me until I decided I know with no doubt about who and what I am, and when I reached that point my oversize upper body that makes it so hard to find good outfits that look good on me ceased being an issue. I’ve accepted those things I cannot change because they don’t have anything to do with who I am.
I didn’t get to this point overnight. I spend almost 40 years in a deep depression with a lot of suicidal ideation. It took me a month in a psyche hospital, several years of therapy, two more years leading two different self help groups for people with similar issues, and several more years auditing psychology classes in the local colleges to learn what caused it and how to deal with it. I learned I have two genetic issues that contribute to the depression, and learning to understand and deal with them also taught me that the rest of the issue was I was living a life I wasn’t wired to live. I am trans. I have always been trans, something I first recognized when I was 5 and realized I didn’t like being a boy, didn’t like the things they were interested in or talked about or the clothes they had to wear. This was in 1958 when the concept of alternate identies didn’t exist, or if they did, weren’t mentioned in polite society.
You don’t know me, and have no reason to believe me or trust me, but I do care, and I care a lot. If you want to talk more, PM me and I’ll send you my email and phone numbers, and you can call at 3am if you feel the need. I’ll warn you ahead of time I will be grumpy at 3am until I can get a cup of coffee and a fatty rolled up, but I will answer and I will listen. I’m not a shrink, but I’ve learned a lot of coping mechanisms over the years, and maybe something I’ve learned could help you. I am willing to help. All you need to do is ask.
Believe that you are loved and are important to the world.
Elli
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Elli …OMG, what a wonderful, heartfelt reply.
I don’t know you either, but having read that I really wish I did 🙂
WOW.
Please keep on being you. Whatever you’ve got, someone needs to bottle it.
Huge hugs
Ellie x
(PS … love the name).
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Well, Ellie, you’re welcome to send me a friend request or message me any time you’d like. I love meeting new people.
As for what I’ve got, you’ll have to blame my parents and grandparents. I have a family history of civil rights and union activists that goes back to the 1920s. I don’t know how to NOT try and help if I can.
Also, thanks, I love the name myself, and decided on the spelling after reading about the Norse Goddess Elli. In Norse mythology, Elli is a personification of old age and the embodiment of the crone,the wisdom and strength of the elderly, and is a bad ass because she’s the only person to ever defeat Thor in a wrestling contest. As a vet, bodyguard and firefighter, and coming out at the age of 68 I thought it was very appropriate. 🙂
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I really lament the absence of an ‘edit’ function on TGH.
‘Having’, not ‘haven’t’, obviously 🙂
Ellie x
Fixed…
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Thanks DeeAnn!
I usually type quite fast, and when I read back over what I’ve written the whole thing can be littered with mistakes. Usually it doesn’t matter too much, but sometimes a single word (or absence of a word) can change the whole meaning!
Hugs
Ellie x
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You really need to follow up with the links to help provided here. Stay strong and fight your way to a better place knowing there are many of us who have been exactly where you are, got help, and now know we deserve to be happy and accepted and treated as an equal. Things will get better when you start getting help. Of course you always have friends here too. Hugs, Jillleanne
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I’m sure I could saw lot’s of wonderful and flowery things, but none of them are going to fix things right this minute. Miriya and DeeAnn posted some very good things that can start helping you get back on a better path, to where you can deal with things with clearer thinking and emotions. I did some checking, and while I don’t know where on Barbados you are, please get hold of the links that DeeAnn provided, and add SHE Barbados (https://shebarbados.org/), Butterfly Barbados (https://www.butterflybarbados.com/), and Pride Barbados (https://www.instagram.com/pridebarbados/). Just to be able to talk and connect with others in your area will bring you some joy and peace. We have all walked your path, to some degree worse, to some degree better. But never give up; for if you do, then you will most assuredly will have lost, and they will have won. And you are a far better person to allow that. The biggest of hugs….. Michelle
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Thank you so much for posting these things 🙂 I know i am a little bit late due to some offline issues i had to sort out but i am happy that you have replied to it and included some really valuable info ^^ Thank you very much
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Winterfrost, I too am concerned for you, and I hope we can provide some help and support for you as others have suggested. I’ll add my own bit here too, if you want to contact me then do so. I’m a very good listener, even online. I do have some login issues with this site and I don’t visit it as often as I’d like. But if you contact me, I will respond!
Amy
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Hey Winterfrost
I joined after your original post (I’ve only been a member for just under two weeks) but now you’ve replied it’s popped up again in the feed.
I’ve just read it through, and like everyone else I’m worried about you 🙁
You wrote it on October 4th … has anything improved since then? Are you feeling any better?
Just want to know that you’re okay 🙂
Sending you warm hugs
Ellie x
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Sound like you need this…
I am no shrink but I know what you are feeling, I have been there, all the self loathing just about killed me, it is no fun place to be in. Took me a few years to put myself back together and taking my route was not fun. I decided to trudge if you are curious, meaning I went to drown myself working, did six months of 16+hr days 7 days a week, half heavy construction, half at my regular job, it was delightfully exhausting. But it only delayed things and put a realization in my brain that things could be worse, at least I wasn’t digging open raw sewer ditches by hand or something. I still did 60-80hr work weeks for a couple years to help drown out the brain but things got a bit better the more I lived with it. For me my healing came in phases, about a year or so into my trudging me and Hecate (yes old Primordial Goddess) found one another, she actually helped my dysphoria a ton, she made me start to accept that I was not a monster or crazy. About three more years I found a reinvent your life by Jillz on YouTube.
https://youtu.be/AOnL9W_IeO8?si=kifvn_fEfu377vFS
Made another huge difference, so I have made/started a complete life change journal and am following it as best I can. I am not perfect by any means but I would say compared to how I was back in 2018 compared to how I am now, I have improved 1000% or more, now I was at that suicide point so really not as cool as it sounds.
Either way, hang in there things will get better, might take a half a decade like it did for me but you might get lucky and it only take you a year or less.
Miriya
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Sadly, there isn’t much that we can do at this distance. Precious few of us have backgrounds in psychology or psychiatry anyway. But, you are not the first and painfully you won’t be the last to have these feelings in our community. Anyway, I did a search and it turned up some possibilities for help.
The search string was:
barbados transgender suicide prevention hot line
What looked potentially useful are, but please do further searching:
https://www.therapyroute.com/article/suicide-hotlines-and-crisis-lines-in-barbados
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I’ve learned that even from a thousand miles away, our presence helps a lot. I first learned this a few years ago with the trans related groups on Facebook, and then more so after finding independent sites like this one.
Just learning I wasn’t alone in the world, that even though I’ll never likely have a group of close friends to make the trip with like your average cis teen going through puberty, I’m not alone. Most of my feelings and thoughts have been echoed across the world by people I’ll never meet, but they’ve been through similar events, had similar thoughts and desires, and I can’t begin to express how wonderful it is to know that I’m not alone or unique in my thoughts and fears. Just knowing others have faced the same demons and survived gave me so much hope when I first came out. Learning that my feelings have been felt by others around the world, and all the different ways people have managed to cope not only gave me strength to go on, but that if I open my eyes there are many more potential solutions to dealing with issues than my myopic view allowed me to see.
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I appreciate this info you’ve given and i appreciate your kind words too.Thank you so so much
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