I don’t want anyone to know…


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    • #134887
      Jd Denial

      This is tough for me. But I feel like i have reached a point that I need to talk with people that have or are going though the same things as me.

      I guess a little back ground might be a good place to start. I am a very large guy mid forty’s 6 foot plus. But honestly I have never been happy with my body. I have always been over weight. (By a lot). I married a woman, divorced. The divorce hit me super hard. I could not go to work, sleep, eat. And dropped 200lbs. I was at the correct body weight for my frame. But that didn’t make me happy. In fact I felt worse. Finally after all that time thinking that the weight was why I was unhappy. Why why why am I still not happy. So I went back to eating my happiness. And guess what I am back to my old weight, and still not happy. I tried dating when I was thin, and not. But they just felt like I was going though the motions. This is what I am supposed to do, date get married then kids. This is all fine and good. Normal hetero behavior.

      When I was young I tried on makeup, bras. Things like that but they were just a passing fancy. I never thought anything of it. Since the divorce I have been spiraling down. I work and put on a happy face. But as soon as I get home I wallow in my thoughts and memory’s. Things that have been getting me aroused have changed from wow I would like to xxxx her to her breasts are amazing what would it be like to have those. And I subconsciously started growing my hair out. I like the way my hair feels, long like this. And the reason I am here now. I bought a bra online and wearing it makes me feel happy. Because of my overweight I can actually fill the b cup fairly well. I like looking through amazon at scrunches for my hair. I like putting on earrings. Because of my large size and long hair people I interact with at work sometimes mistake me for female. (We wear masks at work still) and it gives me a little flutter and I smile behind the mask.

      But now I feel terrible, a part of me is screaming just do it. But my upbringing tells me it is wrong. I just don’t know what all this means. I hate myself for everything, I want these feelings to stop. I just want to be in a normal relationship. But I am writing this while wearing a bra with my hair in a ponytail and makeup on. Did I take any of that off no because I don’t want to. I like it. Ugh this is so frustrating. Does this make me a cross dresser, trans. I don’t want to have those labels. Should I just have two persona’s one for the public, one for private. Will that make me happy.

      Crying helps me sometimes. But it doesn’t fix anything.

      I needed to put this down on paper, take all these things out of my head and lay it out there. I can’t talk to my friends or family about this. It is too embarrassing. “Hi can we talk about how my bra makes me feel sexy and empowered.” I can’t. I tried talking to a therapist but I just could not bring these things up. I can’t say them out loud to a person. I tried and that upsets me too.

      Sorry for all the rambling. I feel somewhat better barfing up all these things.  I don’t know if I can take it to the next step. I have thought about it. Going out in public, showing up to friends and family, hrt. But I don’t think I am ready for any of that. I do keep some things in my car but I always take them off before leaving the car. I just feel better with them on.

      I know I need to speak with a therapist, they are the only ones that can really help.

      Thanks for listening.


    • #135736

      Hi jd, sounds like you have a lot going on at any one time. Try talking to your doctor, openly, and he will help you find a good therapist. They can help you sort out your thoughts so you can move forward with a clear mind.

    • #136438

      Thanks for sharing.  I share some of your experiences and recall years of feeling rejection and doubt. Looking back over a decade after a heartbreaking and bitter divorce it took years to re-corall my life spirit that seemed to have gotten lost along the way.  What moved the needle for me was meeting a group of incredible people who allowed me to understand that I was worthy of love by others for being who I am, and they are now among my dearest friends. As another poster said, a true friend is one that supports you no matter what.

    • #136441
      DeeAnn Hopings


      Happy that you have joined us!

      You hit upon the important point when you mentioned working with a therapist. These issues are very difficult for us to work on by ourselves. A therapist can ask the hard questions that we would avoid and help keep us focused. Our minds want to avoid the difficult and stressful things to think about, but the problem is that nothing gets resolved with that kind of thought process.

      Anyway, rest assured that you are not the first and you won’t be the last, but it is survivable and moving forward is very likely.

      Be Well!

      • #137636

        I really relate to your feelings. I definitely recommend a good therapist that is reputable in our community. Google is how I found mine. In the past for other issues I found that writing down how I felt, like you just did, helped tremendously. Bring the paper with you. If you can’t read it aloud, tell them and hand them the paper. They will help you to feel more comfortable talking. I’m no therapist by any means but this was my personal experience.
        I’m in a similar place in my journey as you and understand the feelings. Sometimes I have bad days or weeks or a month or more. Hang in there and make some friends here. I wish you peace and calmness.


    • #141854

      You have been very honest in your words! Rest assured that it will, someday, all come together! I simply adore it when my fears one day dissolve and become a new feeling, part of my life! When young, I always feared being found out in woman clothes, but now, after so many years, it is becoming almost a normal feeling. Now I truly desire being a Lady, and being recognized as such! I know that one day, there will be someone in my life, not a sex-starved crazy guy, but a real lover, whom I can life with, care for and love for the rest of my life. I am dreaming of that day now!

      Miss Roxanne Lanyon

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