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This is tough for me. But I feel like i have reached a point that I need to talk with people that have or are going though the same things as me.
I guess a little back ground might be a good place to start. I am a very large guy mid forty’s 6 foot plus. But honestly I have never been happy with my body. I have always been over weight. (By a lot). I married a woman, divorced. The divorce hit me super hard. I could not go to work, sleep, eat. And dropped 200lbs. I was at the correct body weight for my frame. But that didn’t make me happy. In fact I felt worse. Finally after all that time thinking that the weight was why I was unhappy. Why why why am I still not happy. So I went back to eating my happiness. And guess what I am back to my old weight, and still not happy. I tried dating when I was thin, and not. But they just felt like I was going though the motions. This is what I am supposed to do, date get married then kids. This is all fine and good. Normal hetero behavior.
When I was young I tried on makeup, bras. Things like that but they were just a passing fancy. I never thought anything of it. Since the divorce I have been spiraling down. I work and put on a happy face. But as soon as I get home I wallow in my thoughts and memory’s. Things that have been getting me aroused have changed from wow I would like to xxxx her to her breasts are amazing what would it be like to have those. And I subconsciously started growing my hair out. I like the way my hair feels, long like this. And the reason I am here now. I bought a bra online and wearing it makes me feel happy. Because of my overweight I can actually fill the b cup fairly well. I like looking through amazon at scrunches for my hair. I like putting on earrings. Because of my large size and long hair people I interact with at work sometimes mistake me for female. (We wear masks at work still) and it gives me a little flutter and I smile behind the mask.
But now I feel terrible, a part of me is screaming just do it. But my upbringing tells me it is wrong. I just don’t know what all this means. I hate myself for everything, I want these feelings to stop. I just want to be in a normal relationship. But I am writing this while wearing a bra with my hair in a ponytail and makeup on. Did I take any of that off no because I don’t want to. I like it. Ugh this is so frustrating. Does this make me a cross dresser, trans. I don’t want to have those labels. Should I just have two persona’s one for the public, one for private. Will that make me happy.
Crying helps me sometimes. But it doesn’t fix anything.
I needed to put this down on paper, take all these things out of my head and lay it out there. I can’t talk to my friends or family about this. It is too embarrassing. “Hi can we talk about how my bra makes me feel sexy and empowered.” I can’t. I tried talking to a therapist but I just could not bring these things up. I can’t say them out loud to a person. I tried and that upsets me too.
Sorry for all the rambling. I feel somewhat better barfing up all these things. I don’t know if I can take it to the next step. I have thought about it. Going out in public, showing up to friends and family, hrt. But I don’t think I am ready for any of that. I do keep some things in my car but I always take them off before leaving the car. I just feel better with them on.
I know I need to speak with a therapist, they are the only ones that can really help.
Thanks for listening.
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