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<p style=”text-align: left;”>As the title states, yes, I hate being trans and I also dislike my own ethnicity sometimes. Being trans translates to me that I am a freak of nature, that I am confused, and in need of some sort of religious breakthrough. I wish like people who do not understand about depression I could simply snap out of this. But every waking moment of my life has been a living nightmare for as long as I can remember because I am in this cage of a body that does not belong to me. So I deal with the pain through food. I have been eating a lot or as much as I can throughout the day. Usually junk food. I want to get into drugs and alcohol, just as an escape from the pain. Especially after the passing of my mom a few days ago. I have been very dissociated and nothing feels real. I’m afraid of what might become of me but I am starting not to give a $&@!.</p>
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The way it sits is this. Gay men, lesbians, bisexuals and transpeople have only 2 possibilities.
- We can recognize who we are and live accordingly, dealing with all of the ups and downs
OR
- We can live a lie
The problem with living a lie is that it takes a lot of time and effort to keep the lie in place. Remember that it is internal (lying to yourself) and external (presenting that lie to the outside world).
I have some experience with this as for many years I avoided attention so that people didn’t ask embarrassing questions. What I eventually figured out was that there was a toll paid in terms of my relationship with my first wife, my kids and my career. As all that has passed, there is nothing I can do to fix it. I can only live with my mistakes and try to learn from them.
One thing about coming out is that I no longer have to support the lie, put effort into keeping it afloat and worrying about being found out. Our time here is finite, as is our energy. It is much better to put that energy towards something positive and not into doubt and worry…
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