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Hello, my name is David, well that isn’t my real name but I feel connected with it and am liking it more than my birth assigned one right now.
I’ve been hit with problems lately, I’ve always thought I was comfortable in my birth gender. But I’ve been questioning it now. I’m 20 years old an I feel like I’m way to old to be questioning it.
I also know that I’ve been through a few things when I was younger, leaving me emotionally stunted and dealing with anxiety and other mental problems all through puberty and late teens.
I was born female and I always thought I was female, until now. I’ve never thought about it, but I would often relate to male characters to the point I wished I was them, daydreaming, dreaming and making up adventures were I was in the characters shoes. I still do it. But I always told myself, “doesn’t everyone do that?” Make up dreams where your somehow changed into a male.
But it’s changed, I’ve had a dream recently where, there was no male character I was in the shoes of. I was myself, and I was transitioning to male. I was happy in the dream. But I don’t know if in the waking world, is it truly what I want? Am I imagining things? Ive had a feeling where I felt abit to connected to being male. I’m a makeup fx artist, and I was doing beards, and I did one on myself and to my surprise I liked having the beard. I wanted to keep it on only the glue was itchy. Still I kept it on all day. I think it would be cool to have a beard.
But I have gone days in the past where I was envious of breathing sizes, now I don’t seem to care for it. I like dresses, I feel like I’ll still wear them, but like I think makes can wear dresses also? It’s not indicator of gender.
I dont feel completely rejected with my body, except for like my lower parts in a way. I’ve been looking into changing my hairstyle to be shorter, it’s already a pretty short but Its to long still and it’s bothering me at moments yet not in some ways.
I’m honestly scared, I thought I knew what and who I am. I’m not so sure now. I’m afraid of rejection. I’ve already told my brother that I’m questioning, but no one else. I don’t want to see my mother’s reaction when may find out her little girl isn’t actually a girl.
I don’t want to be feeling this way, but at the same time what If this is who I am? And I’ll be happy as a male? Because this insecurity and wrong ness isn’t pleasant. I’m also hoping this will all go away by tomorrow, that I’ll wake up and feel female completely and it’ll all be a dream.
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